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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Firewall

Released: 02/10/06

Viewed: 12:30pm 02/12/06

Starring: Harrison Ford, Paul Bettany, Virginia Madsen, Robert Forester, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Carly Shoroeder, Jimmy Bennett

Directed by: Richard Loncraine

Warner Brothers Official Site of the movie

I still love Harrison Ford I think I always will, as will a good part of the world. He kind of seems like he'd be a grumpy old bastard in real life, but who cares. The guy has been part of some amazing films. If not Indiana Jones then Star wars. And if franchises don't float your boat then just look the The Fugitive which may be his best overall performance and movie. And count your blessings because Firewall is a return to that movies tradition. It's a return to Ford making edge of your seat, sweat through your socks thrillers. It's got all the suspense, energy and enthusiasm as any good thriller, but it's also saddled with a half-hours too much of over done plot development.

Firewall is the kind of thriller that lines up all the right pieces but takes so long to knock them over that you don't care anymore about the game. A lot of time is spent establishing how much control Paul Bettany had over Ford and also how far he's willing to go to get that money.

He ends up being this likeable charming fellow with a truly twisted core. It's played beautifully, but too much time is spent setting him up. They could have flown through him killing a random person, nearly killing one of the kids, and pushing Ford to complete his task. He was a threat. For some reason we were told that over and over again.

Once they get past that it's a non-stop, bright, exciting, classic Ford thriller. He's at his best fighting off the bad guys with his wits and badass one-liners, outsmarting them on every turn until they're playing by his rules. It's the kind of Ford movie we dream about. The kind of Ford movie he hasn't made since Air Force One, so part of me was desperate to love Firewall. I wish I did.

I mentioned those perfectly lined up pieces? the story and set up, all very smart and appealing. The villains have fun with a little identity theft and use it to get to Ford, who in turn will use his position in the banks internal security system, to help them rob the place blind. I like that set up a lot. He designed the system, so he knows it inside and out. Problems arise naturally but isn't that part of the fun? Virginia Madsen, Ford's wife in the film is an architect, and actually designed the house they're being held captive in. So that also comes into play during a pretty cool attempted escape sequence. Stuff like that rocks. It's just one of those little details that makes the movie more exciting and more believable. It also gave the family something to do.

The identity theft was a little unsettling though. It's scary how much control someone can have on your life. How much information can be found out so easily. I've seen it done better in movies like Enemy of the State, but it's still effectively creepy here. I mean these guys screw with his family. That's messed up. Makes me find a great deal of relief in being a nobody web cartoonist. I'm not important. There's no reason to kidnap my family, unless you're really hard up for a guest strip or something. But just e-mail me. I'm cool.

The supporting cast is ridiculously strong. There's a meeting in the beginning of the movie about the banks current security issues and looking around the table you see some really talented all time character actors Alan Arkin Robert Forester Robert Patrick (who will never not be T-1000, but I'm still glad anytime he pops up on screen.) None of these three are given much to do, but each makes the most of their throw away supporting gigs.

Another non-role was that of Ford's son who is played by Jimmy Bennett. It's not that he's bad, but he's not really given anything to do besides look scared and become a liability. I wanted to mention him specifically because Bennett is becoming the go to little brother in movies like Hostage and The Amittyville Horror. More impressive (to me) though is that he was the freakin' Flash in Daddy Day Care! ?I just thought that was worth mentioning.

The movie was ok but never really advanced the way it could've. Plus it meanders on the same subject matter for impossibly long amounts of time. The movie takes place over the course of 3 or 4 days when it easily could have been over by suppertime on day 2. A tight timeline adds to the tension! 5.5 out of 10 for the poor man's Harrison Ford thriller staring Harrison Ford.

DVD worthy?: Part of me really wanted it to be but it's not. I feel like I'm desperate for a great Ford thriller because I know he has it in him but there just hasn't been anything in the past few years that comes close to his glory days. This one comes close but not close enough for me to shell out the bucks.

If you liked this movie check out: The Fugitive

The Fugitive Is hands down Ford's best thriller. It's smart and exciting from beginning to end, and it never gives you a chance to get bored because it never slows down.

Where it succeeds over Firewall, in my eyes is in its focus. The Fugitive wastes no time and gets right into the stuff people really want to see. By the time the end credits are over Fords character has already been arrested and tried for his wife's murder. All that's needed is the explosive escape sequence, and the cat and mouse game begins.

Firewall spends way too much time on the set up and not enough on the stuff people are really there to see. The Fugitive throws us right into the fire, and has become the blueprint for the way a modern action thriller should unravel.

Trailer Hitch: Freedomland

Ok, they didn't show any new trailers before Firewall so I thought I'd talk about a shift in direction of the previews for Freedomland. Back in November is the first time I heard about Freedomland and saw the trailer. This was back when it had a December release date and it was a Julianne Moore heavy trailer. Sam Jackson was featured (as were costars Edie Falco and Ron Elard) but it was still clearly a Julianne Moore vehicle.

Cut to the TV spots in January and Moore is NOWHERE to be found. I mean, her name is mentioned at the end, and she's still visible in posters, but this went from promos about a woman losing her son to promos about a man finding a woman's son. It's all Jackson now. He's the star of the trailer. So? what the hell happened?

My guess would be that the trailers were testing poorly. People would be more likely to see a movie about Sam Jackson hunting down a kidnapped child then they would be to watch Moore cry about her missing son. It's weird. Moore had a big score last year with The Forgotten which had a very similar look and theme (sort of. Anyone see that. Gets a little "Event Horizon" at the end.) But I guess at the end of the day Sam sells tickets. And he brings in more than the adult crowd.

Today's vote incentive is how I would have handled Firewall the movie if I were in charge. Vote and see how bad ass it would have been.

Non movie related stuff:

Wanted to give one last shout out to Drastic Comics who were more than awesome for spending their advertising dollars with us. You guys rock and I hope it worked out well for you. Everyone head on over and show them some more love. I got the inside tip that the Thursday comic is related to the movie The New World so all you movie nuts check it out.

We have a new advertiser lined up for Monday, but we have additional (and cheaper) space available. If anyone is interested just drop me an e-mail and I'll send you the details.

I've got jury duty today so enjoy the end of the week. Later.

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V