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Discuss this week's Joe Loves Crappy Movies here!

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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

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Oscar Recap 2006

At quarter after 11 (EST) "predictable" was the best word to describe the 78th Annual Academy Awards. The predictions on who'd be walking home with the Oscars were apparently so obvious that even Entertainment Weekly was at 100%. Then Jack Nicholson hops up on stage to announce the highest honor, Best Picture, and Crash! Every one in America gave out a collective "Uh-wha!?"

Best Picture

I think most of the world had accepted the fact that Brokeback Mountain was going to take away the Oscar for best picture. We got comfortable with that idea. So comfortable that we didn't notice the underground campaign targeted at Academy voters to support Crash. It worked. A movie that came out last spring was strong enough to take down the recently released movie that is so big we're already sick of the jokes about it.

I was surprised on the win. Crash is a good movie. Complicated. When people ask me about it I tell them that it's the sort of movie that stays with you and that is difficult to forget. It'll change you, at least for a couple of days. With that kind of power it's not unreasonable to think it could win the award. But was it really the best of the 5 nominees? Of those 5 (Brokeback Mountain, Crash, Capotie, Good Night and Good Luck and Munich) I personally would have had a difficult time casting my vote but ultimately would have given it to Brokeback.

Capotie felt more like a character study than a narrative story. It was an amazing performance piece before it was a wonderful movie. Munich was a slick polished masterpiece in my opinion. One of my top 3 Spielberg movies of all time. But it just wasn't his year. The buzz wasn't there to support it. Good night and Good Luck is a strong example of art in filmmaking. Clooney is not only one of the coolest people on the planet but an honest to god fantastic filmmaker. Crash was strong but I really felt that Brokeback was the best overall movie.

Amazing characters, strong acting from every single person that stepped on screen (more rare than you'd think) and a story that is so much more than gay cowboys. Does it exploit gay culture? I don't think so. As a love story you could replace them with a man and a woman, but you'd have to further explain the forbidden aspect of things. It could be an interracial straight couple in that time period and the message would have been just as strong. To be honest though, it would have garnered a lot less attention.

I'm ok with Crash winning. I don't think my decided mind has processed it yet though. Best Supporting Actor

George Clooney is the man. After Out of Sight in 1998 I was hooked, and as soon as his directorial debut Confessions of a Dangerous Mind hit theaters in 2002, I realize ? not only is he the man, but he could be a real force in Hollywood. That said, I sort of feel like this award was given out of respect more than his performance. He's great in Syriana, no question, but was he better than Paul Giamatti in Cinderella Man or Gyllenhaal in Brokeback? Hell was he even better than Jeffery Wright in Syriana?

It pains me to say it but hew won this award because they couldn't give him the award for his Director or Screenplay work. Too high profile. Had to go to a bigger movie. But Best Supporting Actor, they could slide his way.

Not to say that he doesn't deserve acknowledgement. He had a hell of a year and gave us a couple of entertaining and important films. He's an influential person now in Hollywood, and that's a good thing. He should have won the Screenplay award, by the way.

CLonney also gave the best acceptance speech of the night. No political statement, no endless list of "thank you's". He chose to devote a good amount of his time to saluting his competition, which is always the coolest thing they can do. Everyone wants that award, to get up there and dismiss that completely always seemed silly to me. Clooney gave us an honest and funny moment, which hardly ever happens at these things. Best Supporting Actress

I love Rachel Weisz. She does legitimate films like The Constant Gardner and About A Boy but is still willing to slum it for us fan boys and come down to our level to make Constantine and The Fountain. Plus she's hot as hell.

This was a tough category for me, probably because I hadn't seen two of the performances, but the three I saw were all great. The one that stood out for me was Michelle Williams. I thought she had the plum role of Brokeback Mountain and she tore up the screen with her tortured struggle. It was a great introduction to the Acadamey Awards, but I'm more than satisfied with Weisz's win. Sadly though it could result in fewer trips down to fan boy level. I'm guessing Mummy 3 will either be Rachel-less or wildly expensive.

Best Actor

It's been a strong year for this category. All of the 5 nominees were truly outstanding. I find myself bouncing back and forth over who should have gotten it. The upset pick of my dreams would have been Terrance Howard as a pimp with ambition in Hustle and Flow. I'm convinced that he's the real deal. He did 4 movies this year, (Hustle and Flow, Crash, 4 Brothers and Get Rich or Die Tryin') and in each he's captivating, original, and easily the most noteworthy element.

Stathairn was so believable as Edward R Murrow in Good Night and Good Luck. He deserved this nomination because he made a period piece featuring known figures work. Too low profile though.

Joaquin Pheonix faced a similar challenge and looked even less like his historical figure, but with a little hard work he sold it. The strongest moments of his portrayal of Johnny Cash in Walk the Line are the musical performances that he and Reese Witherspoon's delivered to perfection. It's amazing when a real acting talent can take it to that level and make it real. As good as these three were, the next two were working on a higher level.

Heath Ledger in Brokeback was shockingly good to me. I didn't expect it from him and he made me a believer. During the Oscar broadcast it was retold that he played the role like a clenched fist. You could really feel that analogy in every frame of that movie. A deserved nomination but? this was a tough year.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman deserved the nomination and the win. As the gentle and selfish Capote, he navigated us through a deeply disturbing tale with poise, subtlety and humor. The fact that he did so all the while using possibly the most annoying nasal voice ever recorded on film is a true testament to how good he was. The film wasn't as strong as the performance, but he got it because he earned it.

Best Actress

I actually only saw Reese Witherspoon's performance in Walk the Line so I have no authority here. I'm glad she won though. I've been a fan for a long time and it's nice when the people you like actually get acknowledged. Anyone see Election? That movie is hard-core.

Best Director

If they couldn't take Best Picture, Brokeback fans should be happy that the man behind it got his proper respect. Ang Lee is an odd duck. He's sort of all over the place. Sense and Sensibility, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, The Hulk and the Gay Cowboy movie. Either he gets bored or excited extremely easily.

I'm ok with the win. It's the right choice even though I would have much preferred to see Clooney rewarded in THIS category for the adept job he did making Good Night? as powerful as it was. But Lee is in his right.

My only major problem is his complete dismissal of the cast in his acceptance speech. At this point he knew that none of his 3 nominated actors had won but he didn't give them a single nod. He barely gave Gyllenhaal a half-assed high five on the way up. I don't know. To me, to the audience, these are the people that made the film work. They're the ones that brought the story to us. I guess there are a lot of people to thank but I felt cheated for the them. I thought they did an outstanding job as a cast and they walked away with nothing. And Williams looked so pretty in her orange dress. Call this the bitter crying of your average moviegoer.

Lee deserved the award, but for not thanking his cast I'm glad his "I can't quit you" joke bombmed. How awkward was that, seriously? When Cameron won for Titanic and got up there like a jackass and screamed "I'm the King of the world!" it worked, but not here? I wonder why. I find each pop culture phrase equally annoying.

Best Song

There's been a lot of talk about Three 6 Mafia's win for their song "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp" from he movie Hustle and Flow. I think people just like the idea that a song about a pimp won an Oscar, and Stewarts gentle mocking of this after the win was hysterical in it's perfection. "Martin Scorsese ? 0 Oscars. Three 6 Mafia ? 1."

You know what though? It's a great song. Horrible performance on Sunday night, but the song was so good that as soon as I left the theater, after seeing Hustle and Flow, I went directly to the store buy the soundtrack. Besides the obvious attraction of it being about a pimp it was just plain good, so I have zero surprise it actually won. It's a nice nod to the spirit behind a fantastic movie that otherwise went pretty unnoticed at the show.

Jon Stewart

So good. I was worried he'd dropped the ball as comedians I respect have in the past, but he was great. Smart, funny and relaxed. God knows if he actually was, but he really looked at ease up there. It felt natural and off the cuff. He brought a lot of casual charm to the night that it's been missing for a long time. Good show Jon.

Overall it was a pretty good show. A little crazy with the montages but it's better than the normal garbage they roll out. I wasn't impressed with any of the musical performances but with Three 6 Mafia's win we're headed in a new direction. Won't be long before good music rules this category.

The only real surprise came in the biggest category. I guess that's ok but it made for a somewhat ho-hum night. Next year I'm throwing a party and starting a pool, and betting for Superman V in every category.

Vote Bonus:

I'm sorry for the boob joke. The whole thing is so serious I wanted to take it down a few pegs. If anyone is offended then you probably have small boobs. Just kidding. If you vote today you'll see an award that's actually worth winning. No matter how big you make Oscar's boobs, the sword still looks like a phallus.

Thanks for reading guys. This has gone on mad long so I won't subject you to anything else. I'll save all the news for the next review.

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Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V

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