Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Ice Age: the Meltdown
Viewed: 12:30pm 03/31/06
Starring: Ray Romano, John Leguizamo, Denis Leary, Sean William Scott, Josh Peck, Queen Latifah
Directed by: Carlos Saldanha
Twentieth Century Fox Official Site of the movie
Report from George Jones agent 337 18:45 03/31/06
I just can’t see the point in a children’s tale about damned creatures. Perhaps it has to be a children’s story because children are the only ones naïve enough to believe everything is going to work out ok. The rest of us know better. Woolly Mammoths – extinct. Saber tooth tigers – extinct. Sloths – I don’t know for sure but I’m sure I could make them – extinct. History has already written the ending to Ice Age: The Meltdown, so don’t get too attached. They’re all goners.
They don’t die, of course. It is after all a kid’s movie so after an unnecessarily complicated action sequence well beyond the girth and stamina of a mammoth that size our band of friends wait quietly on a rock for trouble to literally float away. I don’t know why I expected more. It’s much easier to explain that everything worked out Ok than to feed kids the bitter pill of truth.
I went in the middle of the day with a pack of kids ranging from 5 to 15 and they all seemed as disinterested as I was in the film. I watched them fade away into their own little conversations during the slow parts of the movie. Apparently Yu-gi-oh cards are on sale down on 8th street, and it looks like it’s splitsville for Luke and Lorelei. Whatever the hell that means.
I tried desperately to dumb myself down to their level to see if there was anything from this historical disaster that could be salvaged. The action moments, while completely impossible in believability and simple physics, are the strongest moments of the film. I felt the most tension and excitement when these characters were in danger. I don’t know if it’s because I loved them so much and wanted them to reach their goals, or because I just wished they were dead. Either way, any time a monster popped out of the water or the Ice split below their feet, I could feel my nipples perk up.
Sadly, the action and one emotional moment about a lost Elephant or something (I don’t really know, I wasn’t really paying attention after a while) were the only parts that were effective. The rest was uninteresting, boring, desperate-to-be-funny, filler. I get enough of that from my reruns of JAG, I don’t need to pay 10.75 to waste some time.
Rating: 4 out of 10
It’s a movie about death masqueraded as a fun and exciting road trip that the whole family can enjoy. But in the back of your head you’ll never shake the knowledge that they’ll soon all be dead. I gave it some points for the chemistry of the characters. The new additions of Sean William Scott, Josh Peck, and Queen Latifah brought a lot to the family Romano, Leguizamo, andLeary established in the last film. They have a natural banter with a couple of fun one-liners, but nothing funny enough where It occurred to me to maybe think about laughing.
I’m sure your simple hippie kids will love the furry animals, and you and your stoner friends will have much to discuss about global warming and the end of the earth. For you this DVD will make a nice item to bring out and feel smug about, but not for me. It’s been widely proven that global warning was never REALLY a problem to begin with. So why obsess?
Trailer Hitch: The Simpsons
28 seasons of 3 fingered yellow monsters wasn’t enough, now we need a 2 hour episode and a teaser trailer that pokes fun at Superman V with nothing resembling fun or poking? A horrible teaser, There’s nothing whatsoever for fans to get excited about yet.
If you liked this movie check out: Duck Hunt
Seriously, stop watching movies. Start playing Duck Hunt.
Non movie related stuff:
I’ve set up 3 additional never before seen strips over at Clickwheel. Comics for my reviews of Inside Man, Larry the Cable Guy: Health inspector, and Failure to Launch. Please help yourself to a sneak peek at the way a real comic should look!
Somehow Dunn has gotten free from his holdings, even going as far as to post a bogus tale of his “grand” escape. There have been other posts in some misguided attempt to make sure his readers get his opinion on the movies, but it’s just a matter of time. He’s going down. Down to Chinatown.
A comic collection called The Chameleon Collective launches today April 1st (could possibly be a joke) featuring a specific goal to “bring the creators closer to their readers through exclusive collective content, contests and the such.” A noble goal and I wish Alex, Kendon, and Alex the best of luck. Check out the collective and it’s big Launch today!
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V