Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Lucky Number Slevin
Viewed: 5:10pm 04/07/06
Starring: josh Hartnett, Bruce Willis, Lucy Liu, Morgan Freeman, Sir Ben Kingsley, Stanley Tucci
Directed by: Paul McGuigan
Fox Searchlight Official Site of the movie
Report from George Jones agent 337 23:09 04/18/06
About Today’s comic:
Those of you paying attention will know exactly what’s going on. Those of you not paying attention will wonder when Irv got a job at a movie theater. Just for the record that is not Irv and a random Asian-American friend, they happen to be two characters from fellow movie themed comic Multiplex.
The official reason that members of the Multiplex crew are in today’s strip is that we here at GLCM are huge fans of Multiplex and have fallen in love with these guys so much that we couldn’t picture anyone else in the role of theater worker.
The un-official reason is that I couldn’t see wasting time inventing new characters when there were perfectly good ones waiting to stand in. Either way Multiplex is a grand comic about movies from the perspective of the theater worker. That perspective makes the work creator Gordon McAlpin is doing on the strip not only a lot of fun but important. On to the review.
Lucky Number Slevin is the perfect American crime caper. Fast plot, fast-talk, and hot Asian women working in the morgue. Once I got past the obvious spelling errors, the outward disrespect for the law, and my deep seeded hatred for Sir(HA!)Ben Kingsley I absolutely fell in love with the movie from top to bottom.
Slevin tells the story of Slevin Kalevra (Josh Harnett) a young man that is the victim of mistaken identity. It seems the man everyone thinks he is owes all the wrong people enough money to kill over. Not having a dime to his name he becomes another piece in a masterminds grand scheme of revenge and betrayal. It’s a cautionary tale to not gamble and not associate with people that gamble. If you do you’ll just end up shanking some deadbeat in a coat checkroom while you’re “looking for your lost gloves.” Who wears gloves in April anyway? Criminals, that’s who.
The story is graphic, filled with sex, harsh language, and a tremendous amount of violence. Nearly everyone you meet will wind up dead so you shouldn’t get too attached to any one character. This subject matter will not be acceptable to all audiences, in fact there was an elderly woman seated in front of me that was consistently surprised with every gunshot and curse word. As if the opening killings weren’t accurate indicator of what was to come. I admit I let out a hardy laugh when she leaned over to her group of friends and exclaimed “Who picked this movie!?”
Those with weak hearts should avoid Slevin. Not because it’s too graphic but more because when you punks point out how unnecessarily bloody something is, it distracts the rest of us from enjoying the unnecessary amount of blood. Stay home you old fuddy duddy.
Even stronger than the multifaceted plot and surprise twist ending is the cast of actors assembled. Harnett does a fine job as the lead and uses his strong presence to carry the movie with seemingly little struggle. Bruce Willis as the mysterious specialty hitman brings that famous steely glare to the role which has him effortlessly killing and destroying with no regret and no emotion. He’s a natural born killer.
Reminds me of myself a little. Through most of the movie he’s able to separate himself from the kill and just take care of business. Do what needs to be done. Most viewers will mistake this for “bad ass” but this level of killer is so far beyond “bad ass” that you candy ass cinima-freaks couldn’t begin to grasp the gravity of the situation.
The strongest performances in the movie are those of the rival crime bosses played by Morgan Freeman and Kingsley. Freeman is always good. That’s a given, even the Multiplex guys agree in today’s comic, but Kingsley is another story completely. It’s no secret that Kingsley and I have a past filled with more hatred and more bloodshed then the one I share with David Cross. And after the disaster that was Bloodrayne I was certain that our feud would never come to an end. It wasn’t until halfway through his first scene as the vicious and brutal Rabi that I remembered how good an actor he can actually be.
His background and monologues are the most effective in all of Slevin. With his Jewish New York City accent he drives home every sentence and every word. In this performance every syllable is important, and of all the characters in the film when he talks… you listen. He was fabulous. If I saw him on the street today I’d punch him square in the kidneys, but it would be with a love and respect that was never there before.
If Slevin has one fault it is in it’s final reveal. The idea is a good one but it’s dragged along far too long as the movie has more endings than Return of the King. You’ll be entertained by how things resolve but you’ll be waiting for it to finally end so you can go out and talk about it.
Rating: 8.5 out of 10
Lucky Number Slevin was a great surprise and has become one of my favorite films since taking over this strip last month. Some small pacing problems being it’s only flaw are completely forgivable in this clever tale that will have you questioning the character’s influence and reasoning to the very end. It makes being bad look like a lot of fun.
Absolutely. The ladies will love seeing Josh Hartnett spend a third of the movie in nothing but a towel. The guys will love seeing his nose broken in several different ways.
If you liked this movie check out: Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Even though Slevin isn’t a British crime caper, it’s as close as an American crime caper is going to get to having the big brass balls and great twist endings that are so synonymous with those films. One of the better representatives of that world is Guy Richie’s Lock Stock and Two smoking Barrells.
Lock Stock boasts an inspired and original story and fantastic cast of characters. Even though they’re criminals and low life scum that the Republican in me hates, the bad ass inside can’t help but appreciate how cold blooded they are. If Great Britain was filled with a million men like Vinnie Jones then the US would be in some serious trouble.
Trailer hitch: Wes Anderson American Express commercial
For so long people have been complaining about commercials before movies. Granted they can be bothersome but theaters need to make their money back somehow what with all the theater hopping and nipple twisting scaring off would be paying customers. Finally a movie commercial comes along that is not only not annoying, but even entertaining. The American Express commercial featuring Wes Anderson.
I’ve never been a huge fan of Anderson myself. He seems like nothing more than an overrated hipster telling the same story over and over again. I bet he’s a hippie. I bet he’s a vegetarian – except for fish!
But in the recent weeks I’ve found a new appreciation for his work and was delighted by his three minute commercial before Slevin. The upbeat pacing, steady cam shot, and non-stop talking really worked well. He looks like a no nonsense guy that can get the job done, get it done quick, and get it done well. And the bayonet on a 357 is a stroke of GENIUS! The US Army will be instituting this idea on all weaponry from now on.
After a hiatus GLCM has been added back to the top 100 lists both at Buzzcomix and Top Web Comics. Voting at Buzz right now will get you a picture of my favorite character from Multiplex. We’ll try both for a period of time and then focus our energy on whichever works out better. Gaining acceptance in these new communities could prove to be difficult so do the right thing. Support GLCM!
If you must, here is a link to Joe's review.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V