Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Viewed: 5:10pm 04/01/06
Starring: Nathan Fillion, Elizabeth Banks, Gregg Henry, Michael Rooker
Directed by: James Gunn
Fox Searchlight Official Site of the movie
By the ungodly sounds of Donald Rumsfeld ‘s ass, Slither was completely amazing! I’m convinced, in fact, that the only thing that could have made the movie more eerie, more terrifying, and more disgusting would be the sweet sounds of Donald Rumsfeld’s ass.
I don’t normally go in for this type of movie. Gross out horror movies are as appealing as gross out comedies. I’m as anxious to see somebody’s lower intestine spilled on a cement floor as I am to see Ben Stiller’s man pouch stuck in a zipper. But somehow the slimy slugs of Slither desperately trying to crawl inside the mouths of some yokel hillbillies was invigorating.
Slither is about a small town that comes under alien invasion. The aliens nest, reproduce, and inhabit all life until they suck the planet dry and move on. Cool, I know. Even cooler is that every life form taken over gains the memories and knowledge of every other being taken over. One mind, one being. Like the Borg or those freaks in The Faculty. No kidding, I almost crapped my pants at the sheer awesomeness and possibilities of an army of unified soldiers. Sure it turns them into helpless drones/road kill devouring zombie mutants, but it’s nice to be part of a group!
Everywhere you looked dozens of slugs were sliding along the wall, up the stairs, or into the tub, purposefully looking for a new life to inhabit. Is it wrong that I wanted the bad guys to win? If the inhabited humans had half the ambition and drive of these shoe sized alien babies then we’d have a damn moon base by now. I’m sick the laziness of man hurting technological advancement. We were supposed to have flying cars by now dammet!
Michael Rooker plays the human that makes first contact and acts as the primary host for the alien being. Hours of make up combined with an already grizzled mug make him one of the freakiest looking movie creatures in ages. He makes that kid in Masque look as like Jessica Alba’s right butt cheek. Not the left one. The right one. Look. There’s a difference.
As the beast Rooker is filled with unexpected delights. When you think he’s sluggish and slow he’ll spin around and cut you in half with his tale. I mean tentacle. Appendage? Whatever it was. When you think you’re on to his master plan, you find out that the dog he kidnapped was for a completely different, more shockingly disgusting purpose.
The rest of the cast is excellent as well. Nathan Fillion (who brought in the majority of the disappointing box office with his Serenity cult) battles the beast driven by his dry wit and misguided love. Not exactly a hero’s hero but it was still entertaining to see him flop through battle. The police exam in Podunk must be as difficult to pass as an 80 year old on the highway. Regardless of skill, real men are driven in battle by faith and beliefs. When you fight with your “feelings” then you’re just asking for a crotch full of pain.
Coming out of the theater I could here among the senseless chatter of Serenity comparisons and Mr. Pibb references, that most folks felt, as a zombie film, Slither was a true heroic tale. Because in the end there are survivors, and the world isn’t completely over run by the undead. The good guys “win”. But is that really for the best?
You liberal pukes might telling me that a mob of unified zombies speaks against individuality and free expression, but were they really better off before the alien invasion? Wasting their lives, wasting away doing nothing but talking about Serenity and Mr. Pibb. Face it people, Wash is dead, the show got canceled, and the drink has always been the poor man’s Dr, Pepper. Move on, get a job, and make a difference.
Rating: 8.5 out of 10
Completely outstanding. The best film of the year. I dropped it a couple of points because the ending didn’t go the way I was hoping, and the lack of government involvement. Do you think we wouldn’t know if an alien craft smashed into the earth? Anywhere. We’re watching. Go ahead. Try and find the cameras. I dare you.
It is DVD worthy. Even though the slug person is not ultimately victorious, his plan and way of life are admirable. We as a people should strive to be one mind, one opinion. Equality is the path to riotousness! For anyone below upper middle class that is.
If you liked this movie check out: Dawn of the dead
The remake of Dawn of the Dead from 2004 was written by the same person that did this remake of Slither. Both are slick Hollywood monster movies that please with simple ideas coupled with extreme violence and gore.
Some people will tell you that both movies speak out against the mob sensibilities our society has developed, or the dangers of a class system and ruling government. But you know what those people are called? Traitors. And if I had my way they’d be hunted like deer. Me and a crossbow out in the woods shish kabobing the unpatriotic waste of this great land. Did anyone else just get goose bumps?
Despite what anyone says, Dawn and Slither are nothing but good old fashion monster movies. Sit back and watch the good guys kick ass.
Trailer hitch: You, Me, and Dupree
The Trailer for You, Me, and Dupree is entertaining enough featuring Owen Wilson as a best man who stays as the newlywed’s houseguest a little past his welcome.
This movie is obviously capitalizing on one of last years biggest hits The Wedding Crashers using the same sort of humor, the same stars, even the same type face for the movies titles.
As empty headed as the movie looks it will undoubtedly be a monster success putting Kate Hudson back on the map after having her hippie children with her stoner rock and roll star husband. Why will it be a success? Because the American public doesn’t know any better. This last weekend Scary movie 4 made over 40 million dollars setting an Easter weekend record. Doing so well that Mirimax has already begun work on Scary Movie 5 for this time next year.
So line up sheep and throw your money away as the better movies like Slither and Slevin slide through the cracks.
Today’s vote incentive is an image of Joe getting attacked in the eye by one of the slugs from Slither. Hysterical. This images calls back to the daily voting event from February and March where Joe was constantly losing eyes. Perhaps this will continue. Perhaps a new event, although Joe losing an eye is something I would support. Please be sure to show your support at the Buzzcomix and Top Web Comics 100 lists.
Non movie related stuff:
Well somebody’s back. Here’s a direct link to his review on the boards. Don’t get your hopes up though. I’m fixing to kick me some cartoonist ass. To get a sneak preview at the non stop action in tomorrows comic go to Clickwheel and download part two of George vs. Joe: The show down in movie town!
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V