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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Gridiron Gang

Released: 09/15/06

Viewed: 7:10 pm 09/15/06

Starring: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Xzibit, L. Scott Caldwell, Jade Yorker, Jurnee Smollett, Setu Taase

Directed by: Phil Joanou

Sony picture Official Site of the Movie

Uh… this is a little out of nowhere but does it bother anybody else that “The Gridiron Gang” sounds like the name Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids would give to themselves if they decided to form a football team one day? It’s kind of a silly name right? But somehow it works as the title for this movie. The sad truth is that the Cosby Kids would never be able to form that football team. They’d never be allowed to compete when testing reveals that after years of playing in a junkyard and putting their mouths on their ”instruments” made of garbage, they’re all riddled with Hepatitis. Poor guys... Anyway – the review:

From the first minute of The Gridiron Gang it’s pretty clear what’s going on. Whether you paid for your ticket, snuck in without reading the title, or knew nothing about the movie but saw it on a dare, you’ll catch on to things quick. The give away is the super sad music, that felt strangely inappropriate at times but acted as a strong indicator to what kind of emotional rollercoaster of a life lesson we were all in stall for. Even with a former wrestler and the next ambitious rapper-turned-actor calling the shots, The Gridiron Gang promises to pluck at your heartstrings until you weep. Or puke. Or both. Thank God there’s a little football right?

I’m grateful the football is there, but I was really pleased at the level of attention paid to the emotional end of things. This story is about a man named Sean Porter who’s a caseworker at a juvenile detention center and was willing to help a group of boys that the world had all but given up on. It’s a story we’ve heard a hundred different times in a hundred different ways and I wish I could say that this one was different but it’s not. It hits all the emotional points necessary for a seasonal tear jerking monster of inspiration. Porter (played by The Rock) has an idea to help these kids that’s a little outside the box, a little unorthodox. Along the way they’ll learn a lesson about life and maybe… just maybe, Porter will learn a little something too.

Of course he will, they wouldn’t have bothered to make it into a movie if he didn’t, and they wouldn’t have started off things with that super sad music. From Coach Carter to the Mighty Ducks we’ve been down this road before, so what does Gridiron offer that no other movie has? Football!? No, the football in this movie is a lot of fun, but it’s been done. Talking animals!? Uh, no. That’s not in Gridiron but even if it was… it’s been done. The truth is it’s all been done, and Gridiron Gang boasts no groundbreaking original concepts. But the fact that a tale we’ve heard a hundred times before is still exciting and still worth seeing, is groundbreaking enough on its own.

Whether or not you’re sucked into the underlying message of helping kids down the right path, The Gridiron Gang is a fantastic football movie. There’s tons of action on the field, and the right notes of emotion to get you involved personally. The big finally especially, is a long and brutal battle that will have your stomach twisted in knots and make you wish you’d spent 30 seconds googleing the outcome of this true story before you came in. Don’t seek the truth. It’ll make this beautifully shot sports classic a better experience.

As great as the football was and how invested I felt in the games as they played through them, it all somehow felt overshadowed by the threat of violence. People get shot and killed in the first act of this movie and, as things progress, the kids are all nicely tucked-in in this safe football program, and you get lulled into this sense of security. But when violence rears its ugly head again and the guns come back it’s a real eye opener to what’s going on. As cliché as it sounds, it made me forget about the football games and really put things in perspective.

The only action that’s missing is wrestling moves from The Rock! Come on, I’m not even a wrestling fan and even I’m a little disappointed this former WWE superstar didn’t discipline at least one of these kids with The People’s Elbow. Even the lack of any wrestling is forgivable but the complete abandonment of his fancy eyebrow trick was a complete shock! That trick so awesome that they worked it into the script of Be Cool. That trick helped him land the part of Johnny Bravo in that cartoons theatrical release. And it’s nowhere to be found…

In all seriousness the moves and the eyebrow would have been totally out of place in Gridiron. As much as the wrestling fans of the world would have loved it, when you pander to your audience at the expense of the quality of the film, you lessen its credibility. In that respect I’m glad they didn’t use it. Besides, you think The Rock won’t bust out the eyebrow at least once in Spy Hunter next year? How could he not?

The Rock has become a colossal movie star over the past few years and has been a huge part of some great, original, and unconventional action movies. Gridiron is a slight departure from how the world is used to seeing him, but that is, of course, a fantastic decision. If he avoids opportunities like the role of Sean Porter in Gridiron Gang or his brilliant turn in Be Cool as a gay enforcer, then people are likely to let some of those action blockbusters crash and burn. A movie like this shows his range, his capabilities, and that he’s not just muscles and an eyebrow.

The rapper I mentioned earlier is Xzibit, best know outside of rapping for his MTV show Pimp This Ride. X to the Z has gotten involved in some interesting film projects that show a lot about what he can do and where he wants to go in acting. Unfortunately, few of those films had the quality or box office to back up his attempt to break into the industry. But I admire the fact that he’s tried everything from action (XXX: State of the Union), to drama (Derailed) to animation (Hoodwinked). It shows that he’s not just an opportunist and that he’s willing to take a back seat to bigger stars, just for the chance to be involved. Gridiron is a great vehicle for him.

Both really hold their own here, though Xzibit is given only a few dramatic moments and spends most of the time checking things off his clipboard and nodding with The Rock approvingly. Still, neither is lost in the dramatic setting and each has the charisma and presence to be engaging for the entire time. I think The Rock specifically, who has the most work to do in order to make this movie believable, steps his game up and delivers.

The story though is really about the kids and the actors covering these parts based on real people, all held their own. Especially Setu Taase and Jade Yorker who were left bearing the heaviest emotional baggage. I think part of the reason all the kids were so convincing is that they’re all virtually unknown actors. If this were just the same hip, young cast recycled from the last teen disaster to plague theaters, it would have been too distracting. It’s easy to get wrapped up in this cast’s problems because they might as well be the real people for all we know. Thankfully they were all professional enough actors to be convincing on screen.

As easy as it was to get wrapped up in things emotionally, it was equally easy to sit back and say, “Ok, that’s a little much.” There’s too much drama. This movie works every emotional angel from dying relative to “I just want mamma to love me.” It’s just one thing after another. I half expected the team’s mascot to be a three-legged dog with a skin condition. As Porter goes from kid to kid you try and figure out what their big deal is before they have a chance to pipe up that super sad music and let the tears flow.

Now, this is based on a true story about troubled kids so I’m sure every case was the absolute truth. The real crime is that not every story could be told in the film. I’m sure there were a lot of stories kids could learn from that went unsaid. But in the moment, I was besieged by the abundance of tragedy and it had an affect on how much I enjoyed the film.

I thought that a little humor could have helped out a whole lot. That’s not to say that Gridiron doesn’t have some nice laughs. I particularly liked the cheerleaders form the girl’s detention center as well as the scene when Porter suits up in the football gear to teach a nervous kid how to take a hit. Those jokes worked great and remained in context with the film, but the rest of Gridiron’s lighthearted side was left up to a wisecracking water boy. It was just too few, and I think a couple of more laughs would have broken up the drama enough to make the picture stronger.

Still, Gridiron met and exceeded all my expectations of an inspirational sports epic. It’s fun and touching and exciting without being too preachy or fake. I think that Gridiron could easily become a great Football classic for this era. In fact, at the pace Hollywood is recycling and remaking old ideas I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw a Gridiron Gang remake in 30 years. It’s got the power and resonance to be remembered and people are always looking for inspiration. I’ll be an old man taking my grand babies to the theater trying to explain that President Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was once a great actor and that he starred in the original version of this movie. And that it was better than this piece of crap.

Rating: 8 out of 10

It’s a bit long and a bit in-your-face dramatically, but there’s more good than bad. A lot of the right notes emotionally are hit but with the amount of drama they were slinging at the screen they were bound to make a few connections. The odds are just with them. Either way, the action is worth at least a rental and any Rock fans will certainly not be disappointed. Eyebrow or no eyebrow the guy has a good streak going. But who do I have to bribe to get a sequel to The Rundown made?

DVD Worthy?:

Well, it’s not DVD worthy in my mind but for intense sports fans or sentimental dynamos that are suckers for true underdog stories, The Gridiron Gang is certainly a worthy addition to your DVD collection.

Recommendation - If You Like this Movie Check Out: Remember the Titans

My first instinct as a recommendation was The Longest Yard (Reynolds or Sandler - take your pick. Reynolds has a stronger story, Sandler has stronger laughs.) because its similarities are more than obvious. Both movies feature a team of criminals banding together and learning a lesson about teamwork. The Longest Yard is actually a great example of what the introduction of humor can do to The Gridiron Gang setting, but I would never wish that many comedic additions to Gridiron. It would change the message completely. But it’s easy to see how far a little humor can go.

A better recommendation would be another film based on a true story, Disney’s Remember the Titans. Titan’s stars Denzel Washington as a football coach that comes under scrutiny for being one of the first to mix black and white players. The themes of race and separation are mirrored in Gridiron Gang by the rival gangs that individual players represent outside the game. You have two characters that are both African American, but they might as well be purple and orange because their territory separates them just as much as skin color separates the cast of Titans.

Both films have a high emotion level but it’s fair to say Titan’s has a bigger pay off because the severity of the subject matter is so much more significant in the grand scheme of things. Teen violence is a problem but racism is an epidemic.

Even with a forceful message, the finished piece is very safe and watered down having gone through the Disney censors and Bruckheimer polishing machine. But Titans is still a complete and compelling story. Against Gridiron, Titan’s offers a stronger message with a slightly more cautious delivery. In terms of football, Gridiron’s high-level NFL cinematography wins out.

Trailer Hitch: Casino Royale

The most noteworthy preview attached to Gridiron Gang was the first full trailer of the new James Bond film, Casino Royale. I had a strong reaction to the teaser trailer that came out this past spring but this new look offers some real insight on what the film will be like and how controversial newcomer Daniel Craig will fare in the roll.

I’m a big fan of Craig, and while I see why the die-hard Bond fans are upset, I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. In part because he’s one of the coolest young actors on the planet, and also because its been a while since I’ve really been impressed by a Bond film. I liked the most recent Pierce Brosnan dynasty and I liked him in the role, but as entertaining as moments of his turn were, I didn’t think there was a truly great complete film in the bunch. By taking the character back to his early days and his first adventure as a double 0 agent, Casino Royale introduces a new opportunity and a new life for our favorite secret agent. I’m excited about that.

It’s refreshing because this new trailer shows a film with all the explosions, action, and sexy woman you’d expect from even the worst Bond adventure, but it doesn’t really look like a Bond movie. For some reason I’m getting a completely different vibe from it. It’s less campy and less flashy. From the look of things they’ve stripped things down to the bare essentials and have put together not just the beginning of a new era but the beginning of a new direction.

Non Movie Related Stuff.

God, did anyone see that Eagles/Giants game? I can’t even talk about it I’m so heartbroken. Nothing else today but more soon. See you then.

Live Journal/Myspace/Rotten Tomatoes/Buzz Comix/Top Web Comics/Comics on the Ipod/The Webcomics List/Online Comics/Wikipedia/Comixpedia/JLCM Map!

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V