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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

10 on the 10th: Joe’s Top 10 Favorite Movie Snakes (Worms or Generally Creepy Crawly Things) of All Time.

October 2006

What is the freaking hold up!? I know… I know. 10 days late. This is the “10 on the 10th” not the “10 on the 20th”. Well I’m going to tell you something that I hope will clear this all up. First: I flunked out of math. It’s true. I love numbers but find the subtraction and addition symbols offensive. Their “negative” and “positive” associations promote hierarchy and I like to think we’re all “=”. Second: I can’t read. There, I said it. Are you happy? You got the big bad man to admit he can’t read. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get back to writing this review.

The actual reason for the delay is a three-way tie. On the 10th of the month there were three movies all tied for the number one spot. Last month we had a regular old-fashioned Idaho tie with only two movies and I happily chose a winner between them. It was easy. I picked The Crow over Sin City because I had actually reviewed Sin City once upon a time. But to break a three-way tie felt un-American. And as an illiterate anti-numericon I couldn’t stand for that.

It just didn’t seem fair. If I’m going to pick from three then why shouldn’t I just pick from 10? I’ll tell ya why. Because of you. The 10 on the 10th was started to get the readers involved and put them in control. Even if it is only one comic a month, this comic is yours. And the choice should be yours.

In that spirit I tacked another few days on to the vote and encouraged people to speak up. From that a clear winner emerged. The battle of the Snakes would go to the Jedis.

For those of you just coming in, this topic was inspired by Snakes on a Plane, a movie I clearly thought would have done much better. Sadly the movie fizzled and interest in this list fizzled soon after. The next time I center a top 10 list around a movie event I should make sure it’s as much event as it is movie. Or I should just go to see it 8 million times.

Enough chitchat. Here is my list of the Top 10 Movie Snakes of All Time

10. The Sand Worn in Beetle Juice: (Warner Brothers 1988) I admit that I like the movie better than the Sandworms that earned them a spot on the list, but those giant stripped slithering bastards are still a beautiful representation of just how intensely insane Tim Burton can be. Beetle Juice was one of the movies in the tie for first place and I was pulling for it. I started to remember how great Baldwin and Davis were as two lost souls trying to scare some yuppie scum out of their house. Plus it’s got Michael Keaton in the title role giving one of his best performances ever. He’s delightfully filthy and insane. Everything you’d want in the actor that would become Batman the following year. 8.5 out of 10

9. The Basilisk in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Warner Brothers 2002) I remember being really shocked at how shark the Basilisk looked in Chamber of Secrets. The effects had been either hit or miss up to that point (Dolby is a weird looking bugger) but they were clearly saving their budget up for the big beast at the end. I did a full review of the DVD back when Goblet of Fire came out last year. Check it out. 8.5 out of 10

8. The Garbage Snake in Episode IV: A New Hope (20th Century Fox 1977) This movie was in the lead of the voting for the majority of the time and I admit that for the entire span I was routing for something else to win. Mainly because Star Wars has been done to death, and it’s been a good long while since I’ve seen Beetle Juice. New Hope doesn’t even feature a quality representation of this month’s theme. The Garbage Monster isn’t a snake. He’s got one arm that is snake=like and only visible for 3 seconds. He’s as much snake as the guy that drops his pants at the end of Teen Wolf (Right after the bug win in the scene with everyone in the bleachers. Upper left hand corner of the screen.)

But after sitting through A New Hope a couple of times today part of me is really glad that it won. Done to death or not, Star wars is one fine movie. Scroll down for the full review. 9 out of 10

7. Tia Carrer’s Video Accessory in Wayne’s World (Paramount Pictures 1992) This snake is very memorable but not so much for how large or constricting it is but more because of what it’s constricting. What ever happen to Tia Carrer? I miss her.

Wayne’s World is a great movie. I know a lot of people write it off as a nasty assembly of bad wigs and worse catch phrases, I think partially because that movie came out right around the time where we were the target audience. We watched those movies and said those catch phrases, and said them again, and again, and over and over again, to the point where we got sick of the sound of our own voice impersonating Ed O’Neil.

It was on a couple of days ago and I decided to stay on the channel a few minutes. It is just one classic scene after another! I found myself laughing out loud and Farley’s explanation of where Mr. Big was headed, at, Alice Cooper discussing the origins of Milwaukee, at Wayne and Garth refusing to sell out... Still, I ask myself if these moments are classic because they’re funny or because I can remember sitting around with my friends reciting them. I don’t care either way. I still sing along to “Foxy Lady” like Garth does. 9 out of 10

6. The Alien Body Snatchers in Slither (Gold Circle Films 2006) Slither is a great example of the fresh modern horror comedy. It’s as scary as it is funny and for a movie that aspires so hard to have the low budget feel it has a slick look and an undeniable story. You can check out my full review here. 8.5 out of 10

5. Cobra Commander in G.I. Joe: The Movie (Marvel Productions LTD. 1987) This is G.I.JOE’s second trip to the 10 on the 10th. It made it to number three in my Top 10 Animated Films list. I love the movie, there’s nothing more to say. It was a real shock when Cobra Commander turned into a cobra, but as a little kid it’s the sort of thing where you just have to go with it. I never questioned Roadblock’s endless rhyming, why should I question this? 10 out of 10

4. The Ear Worm in Wrath of Khan (Paramount Pictures 1982) My God, I can tell you exactly where I was sitting the first time I saw that little worm crawl into that guys ear. I won’t, because it wasn’t anywhere especially amazing like on the moon or in a beanbag chair, but the moment was so terrifying to me that I’ll never forget it. It creeped me out to no end.

What’s better is that it’s actually part of one of the better Star Trek movies in the franchise. Ricardo Montalban and his fake plastic chest are as burned into my memory as the ear worm and the first set of boobs I saw. Actually I think his fake plastic chest was the first set of boobs I saw. 9 out of 10

3. Snake Plissken in Escape from New York (AVCO Embassy Pictures 1981) One of the front-runners for the crown and there’s no reason why not. In the future New York becomes a giant prison and a cyclopsed Kurt Russell is sent in to retrieve a missing person. It’s John Carpenter at the top of his game working with his favorite star, who instantly became infallible to me after Big Trouble in Little China. Part of me wishes this had won because Snake is such a great character and I think it would have yielded some good joke potential for the comic. Maybe I’ll rewatch it just for fun! That’s a novel idea! 9 out of 10

2. The Leech on Wil Wheaton’s Balls in Stand By Me (Columbia Pictures 1986) I cannot believe that this movie only received one vote. I thought the ball reference alone would get it in the top 4 contenders easily. Maybe my readers are to young to remember Stand By Me, one of the purest coming of age stories of all time. A movie so heartwarming, candid, and relatable that it will remain with me forever. 10 out of 10

1. The Cobra in Raiders of the Lost Arc (Paramount Pictures 1981) How can one man be so badass and still be afraid of snakes? It’s one of the points that really rounds out the character and shows you why Indiana Jones, be it a list about snakes, adventure or even scars, belongs right at the top of the list.

I’ll admit that Raiders is not my favorite. I’m a Last Crusade boy, but Raiders is probably the most well rounded of the three. The perfect introduction to an iconic character in a thrilling adventure that has everything you could hope for. Including a giant cobra. 10 out of 10

On The Fence: There were a few films that almost made the list but got bumped for one reason or another. I give you… the runners up.

James Earl Jones in Conan - This is probably the single most referenced movie that I received the greatest number of “What the hell is wrong with you?” e-mails about after I posted my list. Sorry to say but I’ve never seen Conan all the way through. But based on the reader response I’d say I should correct that error sooner than later.

Snakes on a Plane - Even though this movie inspired the list and my list was created before its release, the movie was good enough to make it. Not as many people checked it out in theaters as the Internet buzz threatened would, but it’s certainly an awesome snake adventure. Go here for my full review of Snakes on a Plane. 9 out of 10

Just as a warning – the DVD reviews will contain spoilers.

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

Starring: Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, Harrison Ford, Peter Cushing, Alec Guinness, Anthony Daniels, Kenny Baker, Peter Mayhew, David Prowse, James Earl Jones

Directed by: George Lucas

1977 20th Century Fox

What can I say about Star Wars: A New Hope that hasn’t been said before? It’s told from the Droids perspective, have you heard that? Yeah? Um… Obi Wan kind of goes down like a punk? You knew that one too? Let’s see… Did you know that there’s a great disturbance in the force? …Vader is Luke’s father!

See? It’s all been said, because it’s always been there. The majority of the people reading this were either not alive or still crapping their pants when this film was being made, so to us it’s always been around. It’s always been a fact of life and a staple of childhood. So we’ve heard it all and there’s nothing much new to say. Thank God Lucas saw fit to make Han and Greedo shoot at the same time!

In the original theatrical release, and all the VHS tapes/TV broadcasts we grew up on, Han shot first. It defined him as the ultimate cocky bastard that took no prisoners and feared no consequences. He was the type of space jerk that we could all look up to because it took him exactly 4 minutes of screen time to fast talk and sucker shoot a greedy bounty hunter. He’s the ultimate space pirate.

While most people believe this move helped to define the character, Lucas still felt a change was in need. A second itchy trigger finger and a quick head twitch later and history was made. Two shots. One hit. Most die-hard fans were deeply offended and used this specific edit as their chief complaint with the new special editions. We loved them before, why go to so much trouble to change something that was perfect to begin with?

Of course most rational people were able to get over it, or at least satisfied enough to just label writer-director George Lucas as an old goof, ignore the changes, and wait for their precious theatrical release to come out on DVD. A defiant Lucas declared that these new prints were the finished versions of the film in his mind, and there were plenty of threats that the theatrical release would never see the light of day. Time (or morbid curiosity) heals all wounds and the versions have been released. I would say it was about money but Lucas doesn’t need money. If he ever starts to run low he’ll just release the super deluxe ultimate gold edition featuring an extra 30 seconds of Vader breathing.

Secretly you knew Lucas was hoping that people would fall in love with the edits and embrace them as the improvement he saw them as. I can’t imagine what his reaction was when the majority of loyal fans reacted with grief. Poor guy. I bet he just waved his hand and said, “These aren’t the droids you were looking for.” And went back to his solid gold house and his rocket car.

Me? The dual shots didn’t really bother me to be honest. I didn’t really get off on that scene to begin with so a change wasn’t upsetting at all. I was always more of a Chewbacca fan, but I appreciate why people are bothered. What really got to me was the scene they added in after the Cantina where Solo is confronted by Jabba the Hutt. They made Jabba into such a pussy. He’s as tame as a pussycat and treats Solo with kid gloves like he could snap at any second and rip his giant eye out. As Han steps on Jabba’s tail and charms his way into another extension I felt sorry for Jabba who went from being a ruthless kingpin of smuggling to a space pirates doormat.

It’s a low point for Jabba as a character. That’s pretty low considering that he eventually gets choked death by a 94-pound woman wearing a gold bikini. He was much more convincing as an unseen threat. It made him more menacing and mysterious. It makes his eventual appearance that much more effective. He comes off like such a punk in this version. Solo calls him a “wonderful human being”. That’s got to be an insult right?

The one redeeming quality of that scene is the appearance of fan favorite Boba Fett who walks across the screen and practically turns toward camera like he was being introduced to throw out the first pitch at a dodger game. Classic camera whore.

All the other visual changes Lucas and crew made to the film, I can deal with. Cleaner explosions and extra aliens in the background aren’t a bad thing. They admit on the commentary track that all of this was in part practice for what could later be accomplished in Episodes I, II, and III. It all looks good but they should have worked that hard on the scripts, AMIRITE!? I actually kind of Liked Revenge of the Sith New Hope’s original effects that are still intact in the film hold up pretty well. For the time they were done it was a clearly combination of inventiveness and desperation. That’s the only way anyone can justify dressing up an elephant in a Bantha costume. But it works. It looks great.

The movie as a whole all holds up well primarily due to the characters and the story. This entire trilogy is a classic narrative and the characters are practically stereotypes of what characters should be. Somehow this combination of cast and crew made it fresh and original like never before. They gave us something to really get excited about.

Watching it again after a couple of years there are points in the movie where I feel like it runs a little slow. I think that in the beginning they spend a little too much time with the droids. I know the story is told from their point of view, but did 3PO and R2 really have to split up in the desert? Couldn’t one of them found Luke a little earlier? What helps to move things along is the fantastic ideas. They’re ideas that are grounded in something we can all understand, but are all so different and unique that these littlest things become supremely interesting. I’m talking about holo-chess and little robot trashcans rolling around the Deathstar. R2’s oddly human-like quizzical beeping and handcuffs that don’t quite fit your Wookie. Those little touches stay with you and are part of the reason that this franchise has been so embraced by its fans.

I had forgotten how much I truly love certain parts of this movie. Not that the whole thing isn’t grand but there were times this weekend where I was watching the film and I was instantly brought back to my childhood. One moment specifically I found absolutely thrilling. Even though I knew exactly what was going to happen I was still on the edge of my seat the entire time.

I’m talking about the rescue of Princess Lea and the escape from the Deathstar. That whole 30-minute chunk is just fantastic. I think it’s my all time favorite Star Wars sequence in all of the trilogies, second possibly to the escape from Jabba’s lair in Return of the Jedi. Everything from the Storm trooper disguises to Old Ben skulking around the Deathstar is just pure, old school, good guys vs. bad guys, movie-making fun. I love it. If it were up to me I would end the movie right there. Not that I don’t like the dog fight and the destruction of the Deathstar at the end, that’s all really well done, it’s just that part of me knows that the rescue and the escape is a hard thing to top. Plus we all like the sad ending right? Come on… Empire?

Even though A New Hope is basically just a children’s story with an intense amount of appeal for all ages, it still holds up as one of the best Sci-Fi adventures of all time. Certainly one of the top introductory stories. On a first viewing, there’s so much going on in this universe and it can be overwhelming. They barely get into the fact that this is the fourth chapter of a saga that no one knows anything about. It would have been so easy to just over explain everything and just kill the movie completely. I have to give Lucas credit for having the instincts on how to play this chapter out and make it work. There’s a reason that so many people love it. There’s a reason why people will still love it even with its blatant dual shooting and tail walking. It’s just so good.

Star wipe and fade to credits.

Movie: 9 out of 10

Great franchise and New Hope is a great introduction to it. Empire may be the best story of the group, but New Hope is tough to beat in terms of an old-fashioned good time.

DVD Features:

The set I bought and reviewed is the brand new 2-disk Limited Edition that came out last week. The real draw of this set is that it comes with Lucas’ vision of the perfect New Hope in all it’s digitally enhanced glory, as well as the original 1977 theatrical version in (eww) Letterbox.

The second version of the film is what passes for “extras” on this set as the only other stuff is and audio commentary, a demo for the new Star Wars Lego II game, and a web link to exclusive Star Wars content online. I’m sorry but web links don’t pass as extras on a DVD. If I have to go online anyway then I can just find extras myself. This “web link” might as well be a link to Google where “Star Wars” is already entered in the search browser. Even that wouldn’t be worth me waiting for the DVD to load up. I can do that myse… see I just did it. I just entered the words “Star Wars” into Google. Oh! Pictures of Chewbacca!

Stand Outs:

In the first 30 seconds of the audio commentary you learn two things. George Lucas is not funny, and - making a sci-fi movie in the mid 70’s was no small feat. There are 4 commentaries on one track all recorded separately and blended together. Lucas is joined by Carrie Fisher, Ben Burtt, and Dennis Muren.

Ok I’m not just picking on Lucas, I’m sure he’s funny enough, but he opens his commentary by saying “I made this movie a long time ago… in a galaxy far far away.” Now I know there are a few of you out there that just had a laughing fit or an unexpected orgasm or something but I’m going to break this down for ya. It’s not funny.

Lucas comes off as expected. He’s a little pompous, he uses buzzwords… he speaks like a man that’s been worshipped for decades. At the same time he actually knows what he’s talking about. He’s got a lot to say about classic film, story development and traditional archetypes of film. Plus, like it or not, he’s kind of an authority on Star Wars. So in that respect he’s got a wealth of knowledge at his disposal. He manages to leak some of that out.

His only shameful action is not even addressing the Greedo situation. I’m sure he’s discussed it before in some form or another, but the fact that he doesn’t bring it up on the commentary didn’t escape me. It’s one of the biggest adjustments to the film and it deserves its on featurette.

Burtt and Muren offer a lot of information on the visual and audio effects, most of which emphasized how inspirational low technology and tight budgets can be on a group of young artists. It’s fascinating in one aspect to see what they could do with so little and also to see how far movie magic has come.

Some of the stories about what inspired the sounds of different droids or the sound the guy’s throat makes when Vader is crushing it are a little longwinded, but the explanation is always worth waiting for. It’s always something crazy like, “For the sound of the door closing I got a pack of bees and trapped them inside a hollowed out watermelon. It was cool.” Fun to listen to but extremely bizarre.

What’s Missing?:

Well I could have used a nice documentary or two, especially since Star Wars has such a wealth of information, but it’s not the end of the world. Buying New Hope was more about having the movie at my disposal and less about getting lost in the behind the scenes magic. I have cable and they run that stuff on A&E often enough where I feel like I’m not missing out on much.

DVD: 6 out of 10:

It’s not great but if you must have the theatrical version it’s worth the low price tag.

DVD Worthy:

Bottom line – it’s Star Wars. Of course it’s DVD worthy. Whatever version you’re holding out for, or boycotting, or dreaming about, it’s the movie that’s important. An extra few aliens jumping around in the background aren’t going to change that. It’s sill a movie that will make you feel like a kid and that you won’t be able to wait to show to your kids. So hold out if you have to, but be sure to rent it every now and then just to remind yourself what it’s like to believe in the force.

Well that wraps up Snake month. Sorry again for the hold up and be sure to check out all the fabulous snake discussion from the last month in this thread on the Digital Pimp boards.

What’s in store for October’s list you ask? Well funny you should ask because I have an answer. GHOSTS! That’s right, in honor of the month that hosts Halloween, the October edition of the 10 on the 10th will be my Top 10 Ghost Movies! Now I’ll warn you early that I’m not exactly an aficionado on classic ghost tales so this list mainly consists of movies that charmed me as a child or really freaked me out as an adult. Here they are:

10. Three Men and a Little Baby

9. The Others

8. Gothika

7. Beetle Juice

6. The Ring

5. A Christmas Carol

4. The Wraith

3. Pirates of the Caribbean

2. The 6th Sense

1. Ghost Busters

As always I’m eager to hear your thought on my list and to see what great ghost movies make your list. Feel free to post them up in the Top 10 Ghost Films thread on the boards. I know I missed a lot of the old school ghostly classics but truth be told, that’s never really been part of my movie world. Feel free to educate me.

One little item of non-snake/Star Wars news to share. After a huge response to the Invincible strip witch featured Winnie the Pooh devouring his woodland friends, I had to put together a little something special. Here are two desktop images that include an extended background to better fit the screen. One in 800x600 and another in 1024x768. Let me know what you think. If the desktops are well received I may make it a monthly thing. Thanks for reading guys!

Live Journal/Myspace/Rotten Tomatoes/Buzz Comix/Top Web Comics/Comics on the Ipod/The Webcomics List/Online Comics/Wikipedia/Comixpedia/JLCM Map!

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V

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