Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Released April: 1st 2005.
Seen: 7:00pm April 2nd 2005
Directed by: Frank Miller Robert Rodriguez Quentin Tarantino (special guest director)
Starring: Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Jessica Alba, Clive Owen, and a crap load of other awesome people.
Not exactly the best movie to start with considering I'm calling this thing "Joe Loves Crappy movies." Sin City is not a crappy movie. In fact it's quite the opposite. What's the opposite of crappy? Whatever that is, Sin City is that. It's better then that. It's that with bigger boobs.
Sin City is based on the comic by Frank Miller. A comic known as much for it's artistic style as it is for it's gruesome subject matter. Miller created in Sin City a world where anything that could happen did happen. No punches were pulled, no hesitations were indulged. Frank laid it out, and we ate it up.
The most notable aspect of the movie is how true it is to the book. As true in gruesome subject matter as in artistic style. From glowing jewelry to stark white blood stains this movie mimics the world of Sin City as Miller unleashed it on the page. It reeks of style and originality to the point where you know the copycats are on the way. Like with Pulp Fiction or the Matrix I'd be surprised if the influence of this film didn't leave a big green streak right across Hollywood.
Not to say that the CG world is the only notable feature of the film, or even the greatest artistic achievement. It's the modern noir tone combined with the unthinkable grit of Miller's stories that suck you in and make you stop looking for little errors in the background.
The comic I did above refers to the three directors, which I'll admit did concern me. Rodriguez, and Tarantino are no strangers to good movie making, and despite Millers involvement in the Robocop sequels he is a true artist and visionary. I still had my reservations because too many cooks in the kitchen can make for a pretty crappy meal. And I have no idea how they handled it, if it was Robert behind the camera, and Frank consulting the actors, but whoever did what for whatever amount, the result was stunning. Both visually and emotionally stunning.
You can search as far as you want, but the cast is perfect. Del Toro as Jackie boy playing it just big enough as he bugs out his eyes saying to Owen's character Dwight "You're making a big mistake, man".
They could have put any ape in that Marv Make-up and got the look, but when Mickey Rourke shakes the pills into his mouth fighting a war with himself between insanity and reality, you know they made the right choice. Marv is one of the most complicated simpletons you'll ever come across and he was played exactly right.
The other leads, Bruce Willis and Clive Owen carry their stories as well. Both are engaging and easy to watch. Easy to relate to. Throughout the movie these three narrate their inner monologues giving us insight to the character but the roles are played so well that it would be believable without that monologue. I watched Willis as Hartigan pacing in his cell and falling to his knees worried about the fate of a little girl he hadn't seen in 8 years and his thoughts mimicked what he was emoting. I watched and tuned out his voice and focused on his expression. His pain was clear. When the DVD comes out, turn the sound down and watch these three really act.
But the monologues are there for a reason. It's all part of the atmosphere. Part of the tone. It's as necessary as anything. Stay true to the story and you can never go wrong.
To not mention the rest of the cast feels dirty, because there were so many people that were so good, and so important in this movie. Rosario Dawson ? evil and sexy as ever. Alexis Bledel ? You'll love her, then hate her, then love her again on Tuesday when Gilmore Girls comes on. Carla Gugino wailing "He made me watch" was so haunting that it made my girlfriend grab my arm so tight that there are still marks. Michael Clark Duncan ? you know the guy gets hired because he's freaking huge. Thank god he's got the acting skills to back it up. The list goes on.
Sin City calls to you. It sucks you in the same way it sucked in both the worst scum of the earth and the hottest women willing to work for a living. It's worth the time it's worth the money. See this movie.
9.5 out of 10
DVD worthy: Are you DRUNK! Yes. God Yes! This movie is begging for proper DVD treatment. If it was out now I'd buy it now and not stop watching it for a month.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V