Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Man of the House
Viewed: 7:30pm 2/25/05
Starring: Tommy Lee Jones, Christina Milian, Brian Van Holt, Cedric the entertainer, A bunch of hot girls
Directed by: Stephen Herek
I feel bad for Tommy Lee Jones. Ok, is that the worst way to start a review of anything? Never the less, Tommy Lee Jones, one of the better real actors of the last 20 years has a career that is? well, what's the opposite of versatile. Through no fault of his own is he stuck playing the same character in the same movie. If it is his fault it's because he's too good as the gruff, tough as nails, aging authority figure. I doubt seriously that he gets the diversity of scripts that the younger crowd does. And the scripts he gets are ones that Harrison Ford must have passed on at least 3 months ago. An old man in Hollywood must have it tough. Unless you were in Star Wars
I don't mean to imply that Man of the House is a bad movie. Only that it looks like a bad movie. The script was actually pretty good, but it's clear from the outside that few people would be willing to really give this movie a chance. When Lee was doing The Fugitive in 1993 do you think it ever crossed his mind that he would be making a teen comedy about protecting cheer leaders? It sounds like fluff. A throw away movie. But it's not.
Man of the House was surprisingly pretty good. I expected nothing beyond Jones being a fish out of water, and a bunch of hot girls running around. I got both those things but surprisingly they were surrounded by a well paced, well written entertaining story. This movie was genuinely a good time to watch. Don't get me wrong, it's a family comedy that's not really doing anything remarkable. There are no amazing film tricks or achievements in storytelling that will change the way we see movies, just a good old fashioned Saturday afternoon movie that you can watch, enjoy, and move on from.
Jones is himself. A work-a-holic Texas ranger that at a glance is an emotionless lump. But through the course of the movie, the young cheerleading squad lets him rediscover his heart, and reconnect with his estranged daughter. There are a couple of touching scenes where father and daughter (played by Shannon Marie Woodward) connect, and struggle to connect. Those are the scenes where Tommy the actor really steps it up.
The squad - Led by Christina Milian the most successful of the troop. (Be cool, My love don't cost a thing). Monica Keena who gets huge props for being a horror movie survivor (Jason vs. Freddy, Undeclared,) and the rest - Vanessa Ferlito, Paget Brewster, and my pick for the cutest Kelli Garner. They all very good. Each has at least one scene with Jones where they have the opportunity to be more then just hot girls. And none do a horrible job. Some stories are more interesting then others, but non slow down the story enough for you to loose interest.
Cedric the Entertainer does his thing. Less annoying then I had expected. I spoke in depth in the Be Cool review, about his past performances. How he was beginning to become a caricature of himself. Be Cool showed us a lot more of his skill. This one barely gives us a chance. He's funny in his scenes, but they are few. Strangely enough, I wouldn't have it any other way. Any more would have felt like too much. And when he pops up again, you're glad to see him.
This movie came and went and did very little at the box office. It struggled through the early spring and barely made it's money back. I don't think it was a bomb but it didn't shake things up either. It's a shame really because there are tons of movies like this that just slip through the cracks. Not everyone will like this movie, I'm warning you now. It's a family film. But it bugs me that most people assume they won't like it. It looks a certain way? you just know it will fail. That's messed up. I wish this comic/review had been running in February. I might have convinced one other person to see it.
6.5 out of 10 A nice surprise from this little movie. It's been out of theaters for a while, but it's a good movie to check out when it comes out on DVD later this summer. It gets good points for that, but nothing amazing happens for me to bump it up to a 7 or 8.
DVD worthy?:A regrettable no. I just don't think I would watch it often enough. But you never know. I'm sure that a month after it's release it will be on sale at circuit city for 7 bucks. I might be persuaded to pick it up.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V