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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

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The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause

Released: 11/03/06

Viewed: 7:30 pm 11/05/06

Starring: Tim Allen, Martin Short,

Directed by: Michael Lembeck, Elizabeth Mitchell, Ann-Margret, Alan Arkin, Spencer Breslin

Disney Official Site of the Movie

About the comic:

There are several things wrong with that last panel. For Santa to ever ask that in a contractual dispute would mean that at some point, the Easter Bunny would have signed a contract saying that he wouldn’t touch children in certain places. I guess that’s not too out of the ordinary. I wouldn’t be surprised if something like that was included in the contracts that mall Easter Bunnies have to sign. Either way, it’s weird, but I really wanted him to say it. And it’s not that much weirder than the second panel.

The Review:

Martin Short ruins movies. Somehow he’s cast a magical spell on the world that makes us think he’s the funniest thing to come along since pie met face, but I’m not falling for it. His larger-than-life, theatrical, loud for the sake of being loud performance, in everything he does, was hysterical when he was Ed Grimly and I was 4-years-old, but as I’ve grown up I’ve wondered what the appeal is. There’s a point where bowlegged dancing and hamming it up to the camera stops being funny. Like anyone that’s been able to achieve his rank of celebrity through comedy, he has had his funny moments, but I’ve found that for the most part, his total awareness of his comedy is forcefully unfunny.

A third installment of The Santa Clause seemed like a perfect fit for Short. At least he wouldn’t be ruining a franchise I had anything invested in. Could you imagine if he showed up in The Matrix or Lord of the Rings? “I’m a wizard and I SING!” At least his damage would be minimal and contained to The Santa Clause, which was already borderline-cutesy-lame to begin with.

Somehow, Martin Short was not a problem at all. I’d actually say he’s pretty good in The Santa Clause 3 as Jack Frost, a bitter seasonal representative that craves the spotlight that Santa has every year. He’s the perfect combination of mischief and spite without getting so evil that you flat out hate him. No, Martin Short isn’t the reason Santa 3 sucks, it sucks for completely different reasons, but the fact that none of them are Martin Short was a complete surprise.

Wow, that’s three paragraphs of straight mean. I feel bad, but I just don’t get Martin Short. Whenever he appears on a talk show I just shake my head in amazement and wonder if the audiences are either really polite or really easy to impress. What do I know though? The guys a national treasure.

Jack Frost steals the spotlight, but the movie should belong to Santa, played again by Tim Allen, who sadly struggles behind the fat suit and beard, barely registering an ounce of the familiarity that made him fun to watch in the first place. With Santa 3, Allen delivers his third kid’s movie of 2006 (The Shaggy Dog, Zoom). Strangely enough, former go-to cute kid Spencer Breslin who is entering his not a boy, not yet a man phase, costarred in all three movies with Allen. I’d say they were each other’s good luck charm but all three movies were kind of a let down.

I admit that going in I was kind of excited about The Santa Clause 3. I’m not a huge fan of the series but this third installment introduced the concept of some characters traveling through time to the first movie, in order to steal the mantel of Santa Claus from Allen’s character. Time paradoxes like that are like presents on Christmas to me, unfortunately the Santa Clause 3 plumps down like a sack of coal and deals with this time jump quickly and predictably.

The majority of the movie is Jack Frost sabotaging the framework of Santa’s village the day before Christmas. As playful and fun as it may be, it only leaves about 15 minutes of time in the alternate reality created by the time jump, 3 of which are dedicated to a musical number. Lame. Had they spent as much time developing the consequences of altering time as they did with applying icicles to Martin Shorts’ eyebrows, we might have had something interesting to talk about today. Probably not, but my expectations for such a conversation were dashed somewhere between the elves pretending to be Canadian and seeing Kevin Pollack dressed as Cupid.

The movie is cute and harmless, but plays much more like a TV special than a feature film. Even seasoned veterans like Ann-Margret and Alan Arkin couldn’t elevate the quality of this film beyond a couple of giggles. There’s a nice foundation story about the importance of family (what sort of holiday classic would it be if we didn’t learn to love our kids, or our in-laws, or both?), that even includes a pregnant Mrs. Clause (Elizabeth Mitchell who appears on TV now as a bad guy in LOST and most recently on screen as a child molester in Running Scared). The pregnancy is either a nice idea for the progression of the characters, or a set up for a direct to DVD sequel. I can’t decide.

Rating: 3.5 out of 10

Admittedly disappointing, but I’m not loosing any sleep over it. It’s not going to be a holiday classic but it also won’t bore you to tears. A week after viewing it you’ll have forgotten it completely. It has the lasting impact of voting in today’s democracy. That would have been funnier last week.

DVD Worthy?:

No. The Santa Clause 3 is way too dumbed-down to be enjoyed regularly, even by children. It’s sort of a nice piece to fit with the series but I personally get frustrated with how they took a fantastic idea and did nothing with it. It’s one dimensional and forgettable.

Recommendation: Back to the Future 2

What looked so great about the Santa Clause 3 was the way the characters played with time and showed the real consequences of those actions. But the long build up to that moment wasn’t worth the 15 minute sequence. It made me want to see how it’s properly done, and watch Back to the Future Part 2. Besides the last five minutes of the original Back to the Future, Part 2 is the first film in the series to really tackle the cause and effects of time travel. The drastically different version of 1985 where Marty’s father is dead and his mother is married to Biff was a shocking wake up call to something Doc Brown had been warning us about all along. Not to mention the hover boards! That didn’t really have anything to do with time travel or cause and effect, but it was still really cool.

Trailer Hitch: Deck the Halls

This movie makes me cringe for Mathew Broderick’s career. Deck the Halls, which features Broderick getting into a Christmas decorating contest with neighbor Danny DeVito, looks like the sort of cutesy family fun that even Tim Allen would turn down because it’s too lame. I’m a Broderick fan and I hate to see him floundering around in a witless comedy when he could be making another Election or Ferris Bueller quality film that will last forever. Then again, I’m not exactly the target audience, and those little kids probably won’t care what epic piece of film that the guy wrapped in Christmas tree lights made 20 years ago. Not since Schwarzenegger starred in Jingle All the Way have I ever felt such miscasting in a holiday film. Then again, Jingle All the Way is as cool as God’s balls, so Deck the Halls might end up surprising me.

Outside the Theater: JLCM was the topic of a podcast over at Rock Star Robot this week. Thanks, guys! Go ahead and give it a listen and let them know that JLCM fans are the coolest fans in the universe! One day I’d love to be involved with one of these podcasts about JLCM because there are always one or two things I’d like to reply on. Of course I’d probably talk too much and ruin the whole thing.

Rock Star Robot is co-hosted by a good friend of mine, Scott, who was one of the cofounders of Exile Comics. For anyone that doesn’t know the finer details of my history with webcomics, it should be noted that Exile Comics has been influential enough to deserve it’s own chapter.

As a young comic strip just starting out you struggle to reach audiences and to find your place on the Internet. Exile welcomed Free Lunch and Matriculated into their comics group and taught me personally a lot of the importance of community and comradery among web comics. Something that I would later realize is as important as the comics themselves. Exile was my first real support system and taught me so much. For that I will be eternally grateful.

It just so happens that another Exile co-founder Carl got married a couple of weeks ago. I had the pleasure of meeting his new bride Sarah a couple of conventions ago and she’s far lovelier then any comic nerd deserves. Except Carl who is the dreamiest of all webcomic nerds. Congrats to both of you!

Carl actually sent me a nice wedding gift over the summer when Yeo and I tied the knot. It was a huge poster of me as a wizard. Totally awesome. I need to break out the camera and take some pictures of it to show you guys, because Joe the wizard is way cooler than Joe the webcomic guy. I’ll get to it later though. This entry has gone on far too long than The Santa Clause 3 deserves.

Live Journal/Myspace/Rotten Tomatoes/Buzz Comix/Top Web Comics/Comics on the Ipod/The Webcomics List/Online Comics/Wikipedia/Comixpedia/JLCM Map!

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Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V

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Joe Dunn
@joedunn721
I got Total bitch! Which Movie Girlfriend Stereotype Are You? http://t.co/BgaZGys2tp <<< My all time low...
24 Oct 2014
Irvsher Fabor
@irvfabor
I had made a tweet and my phone dies while it's being sent. The cosmos said that that tweet should not be tweeted.
24 Oct 2014