Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Episode III: Rewrite
After watching and reviewing Episode III way back when, I promised more detailed observations on certain aspects of the film. I finished them up a couple of weeks ago but decided against rushing them out. Honestly I wanted to leave the Batman Begins strip up for the week it came out. That's just good business. Now on to the bad business, putting up and discussing things people don't care about anymore ? Star Wars! It's SOOOOO three weeks ago.
The first topic I wanted to focus in on was the dialogue and performance. That seemed to have the biggest effect on people. May fans were unified in they're hatred of it in this final episode. Seems worse then the hatred for the Ewoks. I'm to young to remember but you hear stories. Isn't there even a organized united front against the Ewoks? I'm surprised such a group has not formed against the dialogue in Episode III. PITS WUDTLT. People In The Star Wars Universe Don't Talk Like That. Ok, it doesn't exactly roll of the tongue but you get the idea.
Truthfully I wasn't bothered so much by the dialogue. There's a lot of nit picking over the little things like ? "Yipee!" or " It's not fair!" but you need to relax. Getting upset over that isn't going to change anything. Focus in on the real crap.
While people overreact to that, they are very justified in hating "Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo." That line sent shivers down my spine. The wrong kind of shivers. It's enough to put on one of the most menacing costumes and scream "NOOOOOOO" like a whiny little bitch. (Ok, the scream was justified in the story but completely ridiculous.)
During my second viewing a was determined to find the best dialogue the movie had to offer. The dialogue we were used to form the original trilogy. (I know, Lucas didn't script the dialogue for all three, but he wrote New hope, and that was the bomb.) Unfortunately the classic lines were few and far between. Here are, I feel, the best Episode III offers up:
As Dooku moves towards them:
Supreme Chancellor: Get help! You're no match for him. He's a Sith Lord.
Obi-Wan: Chancellor Palpatine, Sith Lords are our specialty.
The delivery is a little cocky for a jedi, but whatever, it still sounds cool when he says it.
Count Dooku: Your swords, please. We don't want to make a mess of things in front of the Chancellor.
That's a pretty bad ass thing to say when you walk in a room.
Speaking of an unconscious Obi Wan:
Supreme Chancellor: Leave him or we'll never make it!
Anakin Skywalker: His fate will be the same as ours.
That's a great line summing up the respect and honor a jedi should have. Although they clash heads Anakin does look up to Obi Wan. Going against the chancellor to save him is great but to do it with that line is fantastic. It's a plus that this is in the opening 15 minutes
Anakin Skywalker: If you're not with me... then you're my enemy!
Obi-Wan: Only a Sith deals in absolutes. I will do what I must.
Anakin Skywalker: You will try.
"You will try." Come on! That's way too bad ass!
After Captain Cody says he and his men may not be able to back him up as quickly as he would like.
Obi Wan: Very well. The burden is on me not to destroy all the droids before you get there.
Again it's a little cocky for a jedi, but it's a great line. Obi wan was sucha cocky bad ass. Then he gave it all up to talk to dead people and watch a little boy in the desert. Cree-py!
Obi Wan: You were the chosen one!
I think that line would have been pretty bad ass if it wasn't all over the commercials.
As you see they aren't exactly jumping out at you, and none are at the level as some of the classic lines in the original trilogy, but this is far from horrible. People have said this is the worst script in the last 10 years. Does anyone honestly believe that? Ignoring the fact that the script has epic characters maneuvering the events fan boy's have dreamt about for nearly 20 years ? you've got some great ideas and some great action sequences. All laid out in the script. Should we allow the fact that Obi Wan Kenobi has been part of all of our lives, for all of our lives, cloud us form the fact that this is a sub par script. Well, no. I think everyone's got a right to complain about certain aspects, but over all this so so script birthed a pretty damn fine movie experience.
So what went wrong? Lucas wrote this movie, and he didn't write Empire, which has arguably the best dialogue of all six. But New Hope had some great stuff. What happen? Did he blow his load on the first movie. A lifetime collecting excellent lines, resulted in nothing to use in the other's. Like a band that comes out of nowhere and takes over the world with an album they've been building and perfecting for 10 years. 6 months later they have to record the sophomore effort. And there's no material. Is that what went down?
Or do we blame the actors? All great actors. Every one of them. Did they drop the ball? Is it that hard to act against a green screen? Is the Star Wars universe to silly to take seriously? Does Sam Jackson loose all his cool when has to play it straight? (I say yes on the last on by the way. Jackson is great when he lets loose. Playing an emotionless Jedi zombie he never looks or feels comfortable. Love ya Sam ? Sorry.) There are some horrible line readings in the movie though. As strong as Ian McDiarmid was in this movie when he becomes the Emperor he turns into a Ham. Anakin says he'll do whatever the emperor wishes. McDiarmid comes back with the word "Good." There's a few places he could have gone with that, He choose Frankenstein monster enjoying a bowl of soup. Yikes.
So, I forgive you Lucas for coming up short on the words. I forgive you cast for phoning it in from the lake at Naboo. Episode III was a blast. There will always be people to turn a cold shoulder to it, or nit pick it to death. But at the end of the day ? DARTH FREAKIN' VADER!!!!!
I need to mention that I did not write this particuler strip. It came from an Episode III spoiler discussion thread on the Digital pimp boards here. The man that supplied it was afr0puff whose mindless babbling can be found here. I thought it was a fantastic observation that would work well with comic book style visuals. Much thanks to Afr0.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V