Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Herbie: Fully Loaded
Viewed: 2:40:pm 6/19/05
Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Justin Long, Matt Dillon, Breckin Meyer? and Batman.
Directed by: Angela Robinson
In these super skinny times, Herbie: Fully Loaded floats in as a friendly reminder. A reminder of better days, when red heads were exotic, and big boobs were awesome. Now a days when you can fit Nincole Richie in your glove compartment, and you can use Misha Barton's elbow to pick something out of your teeth, we tend to forget how hot Lindsay Lohan was when she burst on the scene.
In 2004 when Mean Girls came out of nowhere and delivered not only a sly teen satire that was far over due, but also, our new "it" girl. Sure you felt wrong thinking she was hot. You tried to justify it, but Lohan was still the young teen from Freaky Friday. Hell she was still the two little kid's from Parent Trap. Don't try to justify it. You're dirty. We all are. In Mean Girls she was officially hot, and god bless her heart for following it up with a nipple slip and those crazy bikini pictures.
Times were looking good in July when she turned 18. The most anticipated 18 since the Olson twins. It was officially "not dirty" anymore, (yes it was), but a lot of perverts were sleeping through the night. We had our star, she was hot and she was here to stay. News of a Herbie the love bug remake/update grew. It's all good. Make your family friendly pics. Gotta keep that career going. If only we knew it would be the last movie where she was the hot vivacious goddess we had fallen for. Ok, I may be overreacting, but she's way to skinny now. Lindsay, I beg of you ? eat a sandwich.
Truth is Lindsay's a pretty decent actor. You forget you're watching the girl that you see all over the news, and on every tabloid magazine cover. She melts into her roles, and you end up rooting for her. It just so happens that she's only done movies where the audience is compelled to root for her. Maybe she'll be a villain in a Batman movie one day. We'll probably still root for her.
Fully Loaded is no different. You cheer her on as she circles the track and wins our hearts. Or rather as the car circles her around the track. You watch the finale racing scenes and you wonder why she has to be there at all. Part of the plot is how she's this great racer. But it's clear that Herbie's in control and anyone could be in the drivers seat. Wouldn't the car go faster if no one were in the seat? Or a dummy? Maybe that's why she lost all the weight!
I wish I could say the real star of the movie was Herbie, but - he's just a car. He has his moments but when you have people like Michael Keaton and Justin Long as your costars why look further. The real stand out in my mind is Dillon. Thinking back on the movie, he's who I remember. It's not a role you would typically think of him in, but he clearly had a lot of fun with it. He's not your over the top villain. Just a smug superstar with an ego to protect. Some villains are so layered and complex that you find yourself loving them as much as you hate them. This is not one of those characters. But to be fair he's technically a Disney villain. Those are big shoes to fill. It's not like he was making coats out of puppies.
The stunts are ok. Two unexpected maneuvers that are both given away in the trailer. It could have used a dozen more of those just to make the racing more exciting. I don't care what you think ? racing is boring. "Oh man, she's getting boxed in!!" "Oh man, I'm going to refill my pop corn!"
It's a Disney (non animated) movie so you get what you pay for ? solid story premise, solid performances, predictable ending, and an inanimate object that's animated. No real strong laughs besides Herbie's love affair. I expected more on the laughs. I'm a sucker for family style corny jokes. But they just weren't there. Wait to rent this one. As much as I like the entire cast (Brekin ? you my boy!), this movie falls short and never finishes the race. (I'm trying to be more clever in my reviews).
4.5 out of 10 No harm done, but it's nothing special. Loses half a point for the $100,000 Disney spent to reduce Lohan's breast size in some scenes. It doesn't work. She's busting out ALL over the place. You dirty boy's will love it. She was way too hot. Plus half a point for free entrance to everyone named Herbie. I don't know anyone named Herbie, but that is one bad ass gimmick.
DVD worthy?: Nope. The only living car movie I'll ever buy is Night Rider. At least Kit could talk.
Sky High is the story about a boy who finds out he's the son of the two greatest superhero's in the world. He goes off to super hero school to discover his own powers. If he has them at all. The trailer unfortunately gives too much away, like the answer to that powers question. But this is a kids movie, I understand the principles behind marketing to children.
Great idea, good looking effects, and some awesome casting. Kurt Russle and Kelly Preston as the parents. Former kids in the hall Dave Foley and Kevin Mcdonald as well as the chin - Bruce Campbell as the faculty at Sky High. There's all kinds of potential there.
I first saw this trailer before Shark Boy and Lava Girl and was intrigued. Last week I saw it before Batman and it was heckled to death. I was more then embarrassed for thinking it looked interesting. I guess I am a sucker for crap movies. Either that, or a crowd of Batman nerds (self included my brothers) at a midnight showing on a Tuesday in New York city, are probably a jaded bunch. Whatever, Batman was awesome.
The kids at Herbie loved the trailer though which I have to see as a good sign. It's interesting to get both perspectives. The target audience, and the not so target audience. If only little kids could get into R rated movies I could take a more in depth look at this?
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V