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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

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The Messengers

Released: 2/03/07

Viewed: 5:20 pm 2/07/07

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Dylan McDermott, Penelope Ann Miller, John Corbett, Dustin Milligan

Directed by: Oxide Pang Chun, Danny Pang

2929 Productions - Official Site of the Movie

I was kind of on the fence about seeing The Messengers at all because of how badly it was being bashed universally by critics. This poor thing was getting no love. Not only that, the film is centred on a little kid that can see the dead. I find the concept of little kids in general unsettling but little kids that see ghosts - that's the first good argument I've ever head for having a vasectomy. What eventually convinced me to check it out was its performance at the box office. I know that sounds a little shallow but I try to keep an eye on what people actually might want me to be reviewing. The messengers didn’t do great, but it did well enough to make 15 million and earn the number one spot on Super Bowl weekend. A weekend where people don't even show up at the movies on one of the days. I decided that its success was based on either the kids ruling the multiplex or that there was maybe something there worth checking out.

Sure enough The Messenger manages to be a nice combination of real scares and cruel head games. Genuinely frightening but in a very teenage kind of way. I was constantly tense and begging for a break form the scares. Normally in a horror movie I’ll welcome a nice scene of exposition. It gives me a moment to breathe and collect myself. But The Messengers is very subtle with its characterization and background to the point where you’d learn something about the past and then suddenly everyone’s being attacked by birds. The only thing scarier than a kid that can see ghosts – ghost birds.

After some trouble in Chicago Jess (Kristen Stewart) and her family relocate to the country to farm sunflowers. They’re looking for stability and a new beginning but instead they find ghosts. I don’t know why they’re so surprised. Driving up, one look at the house should have told them that something was amiss. It’s not like it was on top of a hill with lightning crackling behind it, but the house is way beyond being a fixer-uper and so much closer to being flat out haunted. I’m half surprised we didn’t see Scooby and the gang drive up half way through.

This is the American debut of the Pang brothers, an Asian directing team best known in the States for a film they did called The Eye. I've never seen it but based on the way they were able to shake me up last night, I'm sure it's a psychological thriller worth checking out.

The Messengers is a PG-13 horror movie so I honestly didn't expect much from it. The teen horror genre has got a few yelps out of me in the past year with films like Pulse and The Grudge 2, but for the most part it's all loud noises and cheap thrills. Scare tactics that attack an audience’s natural ability to react to a surprise rather than their real instincts on fear. A PG-13 movie that will mess with your head and really make you shake is a very rare thing.

Towards the end of The Messenger I became paranoid and obsessed with the littlest things around me. My eyes were darting at strange noises in the corner. I was desperately trying to convince myself that a rustle in the empty seats two rows ahead of me was just a mouse. (Probably was, I’ve spotted them there before.) The film was using the cheap tricks bad filmmakers use to get cheap scares but it was balancing it out with these achingly quiet, torturous moments of expectation. The kind of horror that makes you wait for the scare. The kind that doesn’t just make you scream but makes you anticipate the scream and that’s really scary.

There are many methods for moviegoers to deal with a scary movie. Some people are just ok with it and are not affected at all. Fellow pimp Phil has actually said that there’s nothing visually on screen that could frighten him. He’s like a statue, it’s not even right. I’m not so brave. I’m a squinter. If a scary moment is coming up I’ll squint my eyes and watch the film in blurred fuzz. (This can also be achieved by removing your glasses depending on how strong or weak your prescription is.) Sometimes, if I’m particularly freaked out I will squint and tilt my head down so that I can only see the very bottom of the blurred and fuzzy screen. This technique isn’t perfect, obviously. There are some things you just miss, but you’d be amazed how much you can tell what’s going on just by the sound.

There’s one moment in the film involving Jess and Ben hunting for the ghosts in the middle of the night that was an amazing example of “anticipation horror”. So much so that my squint system failed me. Back and forth from open to squint, waiting for them to show the ghost that was so obviously there but they would just not reveal! I couldn’t handle it. I was so freaked that my eyelids were rattling, though to be fair that could have had something to do with the constant squinting and opening. Like I said – the technique isn’t perfect.

The ending of the film might raise a few eyebrows. I liked it though. I thought that it grounded the ghost side of things and reconnected it with the real world. Though it does seem a little convenient and I think they could have explored it a little differently. But I was less bothered by the ending then I was by the fact that this girl kept going back to the house. She was beaten and scratched and terrified by ghosts, and argues with her parents in the car that they have to leave, but as soon as they pull into the drive way she escapes them by running… to the house. Gimmie a break. Just run away, problem child.

There’s not much new going on. This is a ghost story with a haunted house so you’re going to be seeing a lot of things that you’ve seen before, but if you compare the quality, of other PG-13 movies of the same theme, The Messengers is going to stand out. It’s beautifully shot and really well paced, and for a movie that never actually shows anything scary, it’s one of the most difficult movies I’ve had to sit through in a while. “Difficult good” not “difficult bad”.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10 - The Messengers was a nice surprise considering how badly it’s been beaten by the critics. While it’s not perfect, it’s a beautiful looking film with some solid but safe scares. I think its quality is being overshadowed by the fact that the target audience is 10 years younger than your average critic. But if kids can really see ghosts then we should really be yielding to them on what’s considered scary.

Even with a solid opening weekend I don’t think Messengers stands a chance against the next crop of big releases. Norbit will rules the weekend and Music and Lyrics and Ghostrider are going to have a good old fashioned slugfest for the Valentine’s weekend crowds. Messengers will drop off the charts quickly but have a better life on Netflix. It can wait to be rented I think, plus it might be easier to watch in your comfort zone. There were more than a few times where I would’ve loved to have my finger on the volume button. The Messengers is not DVD worthy though. It’s good for a fright but once the credits role you’ll be looking for a fresh horror fix.

The Grudge - Messengers and The Grudge share the same concept of a murdered family haunting a home. The Messengers just gives us a reason to avoid Sunflowers. I say be done with them. Good riddance. I find their ostentatious size to be pretentious.

Something I enjoy about both films is how important the houses are in each. Certain rooms and areas are significant to the ghosts and the haunting. I’m a strong believer that if you can connect the audience to the environment then the film itself will have a stronger impact. It’s a lot more fun to call your hero a “crazy biotch” when she’s going into the basement if we already know the horrible things that happen down there.

At the official site of the movie for The Messengers I was surprised to find a few cool things that I thought were worth sharing. They have token features like links to Myspace pages done in the characters profile, and phone messages that tie into the movie. They even set up an 800 number that has Jess exploring the basement. Pretty cool if it didn’t end with a voiceover plugging the film. Do they really think that people are just stumbling upon the number? I mean, I know that when I get bored I randomly dial 800 numbers, but I thought it was just me.

A few weeks ago where I debuted this “web” section in The Hitcher I pointed towards a map that listed real life hitching incidences. The Messengers has a similar map with stories of unexplained phenomena. You can tell it’s all submitted text from teenagers though because they like totally sound that way, for sure. They have a couple of other things over there worth checking out including a way to test how susceptible you are to contacting ghosts. A great idea that was kind of poorly done, but I appreciate the thought that went into this site’s extras.

The Hills Have Eyes 2 (teaser trailer) - This is a brilliant teaser. One of the best I’ve seen in a long while. What’s especially remarkable is that I don’t even like this franchise. I find nuclear tested freaks very unsettling. So much so that I outsourced to my readers for a review to the original horror remake. This teaser isn’t terribly scary or in your face but it’s very unique and stands out in a sea of trailers that follow the same patterns. It’s actually got me excited about a movie that I don’t ever plan on seeing.

On February first I took part in The Hourly Comic, a challenge where the participants are to draw a comic for every hour of the day that they’re awake. Sort of like a journal comic but very intense. It was a fantastic challenge but a little draining and a huge eye opener to how boring my life is. Maybe not. You be the judge. Head over to this thread in the boards and check out my results. Thanks for reading guys. I owe you a Spiderman review for the 10 on the 10th. It’s coming soon.

Live Journal/Myspace/Rotten Tomatoes/Buzz Comix/Top Web Comics/Comics on the Ipod/The Webcomics List/Online Comics/Wikipedia/Comixpedia/JLCM Map!

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V