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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

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Are We Done Yet?

Starring: Ice Cube, Nia Long, John C. McGinley

, Aleisha Allen, Philip Bolden Directed by: Antoine Fuqua

Sony Pictures - Official Site of the Movie

Ice Cube is back in theaters with Are We done Yet?, the sequel to his surprise hit Are We There Yet?, in his latest and most successful attempt to ruin any credibility he had left. From the man that was in NWA, and avoided sitcom hell (unlike his other rapper-turned-actor brothers Will Smith and LL Cool J) in his jump to the big screen where he got attached to dramatic (Boyz N the Hood) and comedic (Friday) classics, comes a safe and predictable family comedy that should put the final nail in the coffin that XXX: State of the Union and Torque built.

Of course people love Cube and they’ll more likely than not turn out in droves to support him even if the movie doesn’t deserve it. (Early weekend estimates put Are We Done in 3rd place with just over 15 million behind last weeks champs Blades of Glory and Meet the Robinsons). As a fan who actually pays to see his movies in the theater (including XXX:2 and Torque) I can say that for the first time, I regret spending the money.

This family friendly romp catches us up with Nick Persons (Ice Cube) who with new wife Nia Long and her two children, is desperate to move to the country where a gigantic fixer-upper will have plenty of room for their expanding family and for Nick to follow his dreams. What follows is a bad collection of fish out of water, man vs. nature, man vs. home repair, difficult neighbors, annoying step kids, unsympathetic wife, and a dozen other “been there, done that” jokes. But did we really expect new ideas from a sequel?

That’s just it…Are We Done Yet? isn’t just a sequel… it’s a remake too! Based on the 1948 comedy Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House starring Cary Grant, Are We Done gives the two deceased writers of that film one last credit for their IMDB page. A credit that earns them another paycheck, and a justifiable reason to start spinning in their graves.

There’s something funny about it being both a remake and a sequel, and something satisfying in the way it fulfills all the negative stereotypes that come along with those labels. Hollywood churns out so many of them, often with a little less heart and a little less originality in each pass. Are We Done definitely reeks of a movie that has been passed over twice by the movie-making machine leaving it an aimless and empty disaster.

Whatever “show” there is to steal in Are We Done Yet?, is stolen completely and uncontested by John C. McGinley who plays the local Renaissance man that acts as their realtor, contractor, counselor, midwife and a slew of other roles that require him to wear different hats. Different hats literally and figuratively. There’s a seen where as the inspector, McGinley won’t discuss contractor business with Nick because he’s not wearing the right hat.

A little lame, I know, but McGinley, who has more than proven himself to me in movies like Nothing To Lose, Office Space, Point Break and on TV in Scrubs, ably makes this potentially slimy con-artist a lot of fun to watch. Especially when you learn the truth behind his intentions of selling the Persons family a complete wreck of a house.

And that’s what this movie needed a little more of. Truth. The most entertaining moment of the film is not when Cube is wrestling with animals or falling through part of his house, it’s when he hits rock bottom and has to face the truth. When he confronts McGinley’s character after learning his deep dark secret I felt like for the first time I was watching a real movie. There’s 15 minutes of honesty that made for some really entertaining storytelling, and it just disappoints me to see it surrounded by Hollywood’s idea of what they think audiences want in a family comedy.

Are We Done Yet? is a sloppy afterthought that shouldn’t, but probably will, do well enough to warrant Are They Gone Yet?, Are We Happy Yet?, Is it Funny Yet? and Are We Dead Yet? Try as we might to avoid it making these movies is cheaper and quicker than producing original material, and if we keep paying to see it, what’s to stop them?

Rating: 2 out of 10 - As an Ice Cube fan it’s hard of for me to sit through Are We Done Yet?. Maybe it’s just out of my age range. Maybe I’m too old to appreciate a good “man falls through ceiling joke.” The Owl attack was pretty funny though. Cube has delivered some good films and performances in the past but this is one that should be buried and forgotten.

So what’s up next to put things back on track? One comedy about two guys that try to rob a church, and an action thriller about a group of men that will break anyone out of prison for the right price. That sitcom career isn’t looking so bad now.

I’m never going to see this movie again in my life so owning it is pretty much out of the question. Though I would consider buying it for someone as some sort of cruel joke.

Don’t feel bad if you’re a little lost. This comic is a little nod to the regular readers and you new guys and gals that have dug through the archives already. To the rest of you noobs, may I introduce you to Senator Palpatine. Yes, THAT Senator Palpatine, a character that I used in the strip a couple of years ago when Episode III came out, and who became so popular with the readers that his return was imminent. He tends to pop up 2 or 3 times a year inflicting an earth shattering “Uh-DuuH!” on those who don’t grasp the obvious. (Take a trip down Palpatine lane with Episode III, Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, and this New Years Strip) I’d have him show up more but with the way he’s used in JLCM, it’s kind of difficult to just drop him in randomly. It would be lame to just tell the same joke over and over again where someone says something obvious and Palpatine thunders in with his catch phrase. The trick now is to try and fine different ways of introducing it. I really stretched to find new approaches specifically with Night Watch and Saw 3, and I hope I achieved the same results with this latest strip. The gag is not that he’s going to “Uh-Duh” them, it’s that he’s hanging out, waiting at a place where he knows this special service will be needed. Like it’s his job to make people feel stupid because they didn’t know Are We Done Yet was going to suck.

I hate explaining a joke, but I feel guilty about just dropping the character out of the blue. But if you think he’s hard to rework into the strip think about how difficult it is to bring back a giant robot Jesus. Anyway, that’s Palpatine, and that’s his story.

Spiderman 3 - I had been hoping to avoid the trailers for Spiderman 3 until we were a little closer to the release date of the film, but as soon as this latest trailer started up, there was nothing that could have distracted me from the first glimpse of Venom on the big screen.

I’m not even a big Venom fan but to see him in action for the first time and to see him take over Topher Grace, was a real treat. But as cool as it is, how can we not be at least a little concerned for how this movie is going to work? 3 villains with their own stories, 2 love interests, 1 wedding, 2 dead father figures, 2 costumes and enough subplots for 8 more Spidey films… the stage is crowded to say the least. I have some serious fears that the pieces might not fall into place for this final part of the story.

The action is rumored to be even grander than the last time around including a subway tunnel chase that supposedly puts the incredible train sequence from Spiderman 2 to shame. Also we have to have some faith in the people involved who have proven to us that they understand and love these characters. It might be busy but there’s a really good chance it’ll still be amazing.

Not much to say today other than I’m shocked Grindhouse couldn’t nab the top spot from Blades of Glory. I would first point the finger at the R rating or the niche market that a movie like this falls into, but 300 faced the same obstacles and managed to take the top and hover around it for an entire month. The lower than expected opening probably had more to do with the length of the film, which has scared audiences away from better movies. 3 hours is a tough pill to swallow and as good as the movie is, you definitely feel it.

I’ve got a comic and review scheduled for this but If you’d like to hear my thoughts on it sooner, be sure to tune into The Triple Feature podcast where Tom, Gordon and I will be talking about it tonight. The show starts at 10pm EST for those of you that want to listen in live, but it can also be downloaded and listen to at any time afterwards, free of charge courtesy of Talkshoe.

That’s it for now, but I’ll see you soon,

Live Journal/Myspace/Rotten Tomatoes/Buzz Comix/Top Web Comics/Comics on the Ipod/The Webcomics List/Online Comics/Wikipedia/Comixpedia/JLCM Map!

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Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V

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Kevin Gleason
@retail_rage
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24 Mar 2017