Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
George A. Romero's Land of the Dead
Viewed: 5:00:pm 6/27/05
Starring: Simon Baker, Dennis Hopper, John Leguizamo, Asia Argento
Directed by: George A. Romero
Romero deserves the zombie respect he gets. Once every decade (pretty much, he took the 90's off, but honestly - didn't most of us?) he delivers the world a fresh perspective on the genre he invented. Zombie flicks! Land of the dead holds true. It is a bold vision of a world infested with the living dead. The visuals are beautiful, the concept is brain candy, and the hidden truth behind the story is very well done. It's even loaded to the gills with blood and guts. But where's the horror?
Romero uses Land as a not so subtle commentary of a post 9/11 America. Different social classes, selfish leaders, terrorist threats, confused and angry mobs. It's all pretty clear but not SO clear that you're rolling your eye's every 40 seconds. Ok the black butler was a little over the top.
By comparison Romero's crew has gotten stronger. Sure a few decades make a difference, but the visual and make-up effects are awesome. The inspiration for some death scenes is unique to itself. Which honestly has got to be the hardest part to making a good zombie movie. There are so many ways to die but when they show you something you couldn't have imagined it deserves attention. There's plenty of deserved attention here. The real treat here is that most of the effects were not CGI. It's a true testament to good old fashion film making when you see pro's really work to make the movie look good, and not use the computer as a crutch. There are some computer effects, but nothing overly obvious. And I'm not ragging on modern CGI zombie-fests. Loved the Dawn of the dead remake. It was slick, flashy and scary as hell. There's nothing wrong with entertainment.
As much as I enjoyed the hard won visuals, and superior monster make-up this horror movie was missing one major thing ? HORROR. I wasn't scared at all. Normally I'm cowering behind my extra large soda peeking through my fingers or pretending to look at the screen but really looking at the ceiling. But nothing. It didn't even start of scary.
Your basic horror movie will start with 10-15 minutes of terror. Just to remind you that you're supposed to be scared. Then they get you comfortable. You relax, and forget about the monsters. Then BAM! They're back and you jump even higher. With Land it starts in the comfort zone. At first I thought this was brilliant. Make us wait for the big scare. But you'll wait all night. There are a couple of moments where you expect it, but there are no moments where you're freaked out.
Here's the big test. Every night I turn off everything and check to make sure the front door is locked. I do this in complete darkness before heading to the bedroom. If Land of the Dead were REALLY frightening, I wouldn't have been able to do this in the dark. Or I would have scurried to the bedroom a little faster. As it was, I wasn't even thinking about it. Hopped into bed and realized how much I wasn't thinking about it, and I was really disappointed. It's not just that Romero's movies are more about commentary, and less about horror. I really believe that good terror would have made the commentary stronger. I don't know. Maybe I'm part of the generation that has been desensitized to violence. But I freak out pretty easy. There's nothing here.
The real reason there's no horror is because the zombies pose no real threat. You'd have to be deaf and blind not to notice them coming. Like many good zombie movies we find out that the true enemy is not the zombies, but mankind themselves. They turn on each other for survival. Always looking out for number one. That's where the real threat lies, that's where the real interest in the story lies.
The acting is fine, but there are no standouts. Hopper and Leguizamo play their villain and anti hero's well enough, but neither is as bad ass as the Black dude from ?78's Dawn of Dead Simon Baker sinks into the background, and becomes completely forgettable. That can't happen to your star. Truthfully one of the better performances here is from our featured zombies. There's a lot of emotion expressed with no words and heavy make up. You feel their pain, and for the first time in any zombie movie, you kind of feel sorry for them. I mean beyond the whole ? eaten alive/reanimated/cursed to wonder the world forever thing.
6 out of 10 Over all it's a really entertaining movie, with a great look, and a fantastic premise. I'm eager to see if Romero or anyone will take the idea of a world of zombies, and really move to the next level. No, I'm not talking about zombies in space. Although...
DVD worthy?: Possibly. To be honest I'm more likely to buy and watch the other more recent zombie movies of the recent zombie movie invasion. The Dawn remake was a great retake on things with fantastic visuals and ideas. Shaun of the Dead was a great new look at the old genre which has a hugely high re-watch-ability factor. And 28 Days Later is a better commentary on the human behavior. Everyone in that movie, EVERYONE, breaks down to the basics of survival. It's fascinating. As entertained as I was by Land, there would have to be a load of extras for me to pick it up.
I really wanted to do Hustle and Flow but Skeleton Key I felt I needed to mention because the trailer for this movie freaked me out more then anything in Land of the Dead.
This is the next in a long line of Japanese horror remakes starring Hollywood's foxiest blonde's. Playing the role of Naomi Watts this time around is Kate Hudson. Honestly I can't give you a good review of this because I couldn't watch it. Too creepy. Too many jump cuts and little kids quickly running across the hallway. I can't deal with that. We all know kids shouldn't be running across things. It's chaos!
Seriously the movie has something to do with voodoo and believing in magic. It looks ok, a little more complicated then say ? Dark Water, or the Grudge. I'm not a huge fan of this kind of film but they are often more interesting then not.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V