Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Live Free or Die Hard
Starring: Bruce Willis, Timothy Olyphant, Justin Long, Maggie Q, Cliff Curtis, Kevin Smith, Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Directed by: Len Wiseman
20th Century Fox
The Official Site of Live Free or Die Hard
Discuss Live Free or Die Hard on the boards!
This movie is the fucking balls.
Rating: 9.5 out of 10 - Live Free or Die Hard is hands down the roughest and most relentlessly awesome action movie of the year. Granted, the competition for the first half of 2007 has been a little ho-hum (Smokin’ Aces withstanding), and Transformers (Say what you want about the man but Michael Bay knows how to blow stuff up) will have a lot to say about that in seven days time. But let’s let a genuine action icon enjoy his week in the sun.
Without a doubt. Die Hard has never been bigger, badder or ballseier, and I need to relive that in the comfort of my own home. Plus, 20th Century Fox recognizes what they have in Die Hard as a property, (as is evident in the Ultimate Die Hard Collection that’s packed with commentaries, deleted scenes, and various other extra awesomeness) so you know they’re going to put their best foot forward when releasing Live Free or Die Hard on home video. In addition, as the first of the franchise to be produced in the era of the DVD, there’s bound to be a ton of features geared specifically towards the release. But it’s not always about the extras. If it were just the movie I would still happily whip out my credit card and skip home perfectly content. But this is one movie where you just know they’re going to treat us DVD snobs right.
Enemy of The State - Going in I sort of expected this movie to be Die Hard vs. Technology, but not to the extent that it actually is. I mean, how entertaining is it to see John McClain punching a computer? “Die Hard 5: There is No Paper Jam!”
What Die Hard 4 really showed me is how cripplingly dependent we are as a society on technology. Without it the world devolves into complete anarchy. Chaos in the streets. Overturned cop cars. Trashcan fires. Cats loving dogs. Etc. That’s where John McClain easily fits in with a story about technological warfare.
But to get to that point you need a script that’s smart with its technology. You can’t just say, “Y2K! Run for your lives!” And Die Hard 4 is actually pretty clever in the way it takes a closer look at how easy it is for the bad guys to access records, monitor people and ruin their lives. In that aspect this movie reminded very much of the Will Smith big brother adventure Enemy of the State.
In 1998 when Enemy of the State was released, surveillance by the government was an untapped well in cinema and a concept limited to rumors of real world corruption and sci-fi fiction’s projection of a bleak future. As much as the concept scared the bejesus out of me I couldn’t help but be sucked in by the unique approach and non-stop excitement the film offered up. With a great cast including Gene Hackman and Jon Voight, and some of the sharpest work that Tony Scott has ever done, Enemy of the State stands out as one of the better action films of the last 10 years that just so happens to be intelligent and fun as well. If you liked this latest tech savvy Die Hard adventure, this is a movie definitely worth checking out.
There’s been a lot of hubbub about a Die Hard movie dropping down to a PG-13 rating and I can understand why some fans might be upset by it, but this is a business. There’s no way that they would be able to compete against Ratatouille, Evan Almighty and Fantastic Four 2 if they’re cutting out half their audience. On principal I’m against the censorship of it all. I’ve never liked it when a horror movie or a comedy skimps on the scares and jokes just for a better first weekend opening, and I show the same lack of support for an action movie that does the same. Especially for a franchise where the main character’s every third word is “fuck”.
While it bothers me, I refuse to make a big deal out of it. Mostly because I know they can get away with a lot. You’d be amazed at the amount of hard-nosed action the MPAA will let through as long as you don’t show too much blood. And I’m cool with that. I don’t need to see a guys head being shattered in two as long as I can see the truck he’s in getting run through by a jet. That’s cool. The fight sequences in Live Free or Die Hard match up with the rest of the franchise just fine, and isn’t that what matters the most?
If you’re missing the curse words then you’re going to remain pissed, and today’s comic relates directly to the limitations that a PG-13 rating will put on language. One f-word is all you get, and just for the record, they did use that one freebee on John McClain’s catch phrase. Though it’s somewhat covered up by a gun going off which kind of felt cheap.
The other Die Hard films are littered with curse words and while I didn’t miss them here, it was clear that some of the actors did. There’s a few bad dubs in the film where what we’re hearing isn’t what’s being said. One of those quick slips was clearly Olyphant dropping the F-bomb. For those of you that genuinely miss the foul language, pray for an unrated DVD or just go back in time and record yourself when you first heard Die Hard 4 was going to be rated PG-13 and play that while you’re watching the movie. Which ever of those is less complicated…
Live Free or Die Hard’s official site is pretty standard. Trailers, photos, synopsis all done in a very professional if not flashy manor, but it wasn’t until I got to the games section that I found something really worth telling you guys about. There are two games listed: Drive Hard and John McClain’s Bare Knuckle Brawl. Skip the cheap Spy Hunter rip-off and go directly to the fight simulator that’s actually Wii compatible! That’s right, using the Wii’s Internet browser you can play this 3rd person fighter with your Wii controller. And I’ve gotta say that playing it on your computer doesn’t quite cut it. Nothing has made me want to go out and buy a Wii more than this little movie tie-in game. It’s such a brilliant promotion and if it catches on with other movies I may not be able to resist the lure of the Wii much longer.
Hitman - Yep… It’s another videogame adaptation. But because it features a silent but deadly hitman with a sleek look and a mysterious past, it could actually be a good one. Of course it’s just as likely that it’ll be the male version of Tomb Raider. And the only thing that movie had going for it was tits.
When Timothy Olyphant stepped into the role after Vin Diesel’s departure, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Vin is an action star and a forceful presence on screen. And it’s not that I don’t like Olyphant, but can he carry his own movie? Especially with a character like Agent 47? I had since been convinced that he could but even if there were the slightest doubt still lingering, this sharp and faithful teaser trailer would have cleared it out completely.
With a beautiful opera setting the tone we’re treated to a cleanly shaven Olyphant skulking, sulking and taking aim as the perfect real world counter part to the now classic video game character. They even go as far as to stage some of the covers from the best selling series. It’s pretty sweet.
Looking at it now, it’s a blessing that Diesel dropped out. He would have been good, but he’s too recognizable. More specifically – he’s too recognizable as this type of character. He’s played the brooding, perfect action hero nearly half a dozen times now and as much as I like him in those roles, it’s beginning to become the same old thing. With Olyphant, this movie has a chance to be more than an aimless action movie or an uninspired videogame adaptation. And I can’t wait.
I wanted to offer a quick shout out to Angel Ninja vs. Devil Ninja, a comic I first heard about a couple of weeks ago at Wizard World Philly when I met the creators. I was instantly hooked because… well because ninjas are awesome, but the comic proved to go far beyond that cleverly introducing jokes about booze, women and the simple life for two supreme creatures on Earth. Do yourself a favor and check it out.
Also, I wanted to thank everyone for the warm response to the return of the Muggle Shirts. We were kind of nervous about how it might go, but I’ve gotten a ton of e-mails and orders from people that are grateful to see the shirt back up for sale again. Even if it is only for a limited amount of time. Now go tell your Harry Potter obsessed friend and spread the word! And don’t doodle. The pre-order period ends on July 13th!
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Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V