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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Resident Evil: Extinction

Starring: Milla Jovovich, Oded Fehr, Ali Larter, Iain Glen, Ashanti, Spencer Locke, Mike Epps

Directed by: Russell Mulcahy

Sony Pictures

The Official Site of Resident Evil Extinction

So. This is where I’m supposed to tell you that it sucks. That Resident Evil: Extinction, the third film in the popular but disrespected zombie franchise, meets all your expectations of poor scripting, sloppy storytelling, and unwatchable action. It’s what you want. It’s what we all want. We want it to be so bad that it buries the franchise. So bad that we forget these movies ever existed at all. So bad that we forget these games ever existed at all. Well here’s the good news. It is. It’s all those things. An insulting cinematic disaster. The clumsy camera work and horrific timing simultaneously bring action and horror to an all time low. It’s an embracement in two genres! We were right to hate it, and this is where I’m supposed to say that.

Hey, well there you go. Don’t mind me, I’ll just get on with the truth now.

I feel bad, I really do but Resident Evil Extinction is an incredible follow up. It might be because its lead in was a dead fish, but this quick and cleverly scripted story is non-stop, original, and action packed with the most excitingly refreshing take on the “world infested by zombies” scenario that I’ve ever come across. It’s everything we didn’t want it to be. It’s Good.

The story picks up a few years down the line from where Resident Evil: Apocalypse left off, where our deadly heroine from the first two films, Alice ( Milla Jovovich ) roams the desert stricken lands of North America. Other survivors follow suit trying to keep moving so the zombies can’t catch up. A good bit of time is spent setting up this way of life. There’s some interesting stuff in the way the larger caravans live and protect themselves from the constant threat, but the stop and start pacing of the movie was losing me fast.

After 20 minutes establishing the characters in a world overrun by zombies, and one too many “searching the abandon FILL IN THE BLANK” scenes where the audience is just waiting for the monsters to pop out, I was desperate for the movie to find its stride. And it does. Surprisingly with, of all things, a Hitchcock homage. Who knew that the great savior of an action horror franchise would be a classic scare? But it is, because once those zombie birds swoop down on the terrified onlookers, the story finds its pacing and motivation. And from there on out - it never stops.

The birds attack a small caravan of survivors as they make their way through the deserts of Nevada. It’s not the first action piece of Extinction (Another zombie dog attack – meh.) but it may be the most visually impressive of the bunch. You feel sorry for the characters as they fire their pistols at an overwhelming sea of crows thirsty for human flesh. There are a lot of direct references to The Birds but the filmmakers of course take things a step further. Though to be fair – if flamethrowers were so easily accessible in 1963 I’m sure Hitch would’ve used one too.

The attack is the first of four action sequences that really put this movie on track and make it worth seeing at all. One of them being a casualty filled ambush on the much hyped, sand covered, Vegas Strip. It was an impressive sight that deserved a little more exploration, but by this point in the movie things are moving so quickly that you’re eager for the next step. You’re eager for Alice to reach Dr. Isaacs (The intensely creepy Iain Glen).

But Isaacs is hiding out underground with the rest of what’s left of the Umbrella Corporation, the scientific jacktards responsible for the outbreak in the first place. Isaacs is of course the mastermind behind Alice’s evolution and humanities great savior now that he’s responsible for finding a cure for that whole zombie mess. Though he’s surrounded by a lot of henchmen and holograms, the characters journey is a very solitary one. I found him to be isolated and consumed by his work. Work that focuses on cloning Alice to try and find out why she took to the T-virus so well.

To be honest I don’t really understand the ins and outs of the bio testing done on Alice. I’m sure she doesn’t either, but it doesn’t really matter. She’s still fast, still strong, and still terrified by her latest power – telekinesis, which she first used in the second film to make a guys nose bleed! I wondered to what success they would be able to develop the power in this third film. Thankfully it’s handled just right. As a nomad loner Alice hasn’t had the opportunity or instruction to nurture the power properly. It’s played more as instinct, and I think that’s a perfect fit for the character.

With Dr. Isaac being so alone and with so many naked clones of Alice I couldn’t help but think that a guy with morals loose enough to kill people and clone others probably has his very own Alice. You know… I mean, if you’ve got 98 copies of one of the sexiest women on the planet and two or three die everyday in various testing sequences, there’s got to be a way to fudge the numbers and have your very own private super model. “Dr. Isaacs. What happened to number 43?” “I don’t know... She was here a minute ago.” Maybe I’m thinking the worst of him but he is killing two or three copies of this woman per day.

The movie is decidedly not focused on sex. I was surprised actually to see not one single boob in the whole thing. That may not seem so odd, but Jovovich hasn’t exactly been bashful in the past. It’s not like I was on the look out for them in any of the movies, but the first film features a hard to miss nip slip, and everything is front and center for the world to see in the final scene of Apocalypse. What makes the lack of boobs in Extinction even weirder is that the nip slip scene from the first film is rerun in this movie’s intro. But the shot is noticeably cropped out. It seemed odd and I wondered if the movie dropped down to a PG-13 rating to lure in bigger crowds. A few juicy beheadings later I realized that those instincts were way off.

Ok, I realize just spent a full paragraph discussing boobs. I know it just sounds creepy, but I promise you that some pervert found that intensely useful.

Boob or no boob, Extinction redeems the franchise from its embarrassing second outing. The action is huge, the deaths are imaginatively original and Paul Anderson’s screenplay is dead on target. Had the second movie been this well done we might have actually been excited for Extinction instead of dreading its arrival. But here we are, with the movie we’re supposed to hate. And I hate it so much I might have to see it again.

Rating: 8.5 out of 10 - I’m not crazy I swear. I could go on more about the great visual effects and make-up work done on the film, or even how Ashanti acts as well as Ja Rule and how her (MILD SPOILER) death scene brought on cheers from the crowd. (END MILD SPOILERS) The movie is actually good. And after months of being told how bad it was going to be, I couldn’t be happier that the franchise that scared the hell out of me in 2002 is back on track and kicking ass harder than ever.

But will there be more? A Resident Evil 4? The film’s ending offers some optimistic closure, but it leaves a giant door open for the fun to continue. Those of you holding out for the franchise box set might be waiting a bit longer. At least, for the sake of our movie enjoyment I hope you are. No offence.

As a big fan of the original film I was very eager to pick it up, but was able to hold out for the special edition released right around the time that Apocalypse came out. I think I got a free ticket with it. That movie was much easier to avoid. No part of me was really itching to see the ruined results of that oh so classic ending to the first Resident Evil, buuuuuttt... I do own it.

It certainly wasn’t a case where I was holding out for the better version. It was more like one of those purchases from Blockbuster where they drop the price to 3.99. Just low enough to convince me there was some good in the movie I was forgetting. There really isn’t. But I have watched the film a few times and it doesn’t make me cringe as much as it used to.

This third movie makes it look all the worse though. It really characterizes the franchise as a shit sandwich with really REALLY nice bread. Like the hot out of the oven kind that’s slightly crunchy on the outside with a soft and airy middle. That’s Resident Evil –in bread form.

So yeah, Extinction is DVD worthy, and I can’t wait. If it gets the same treatment as the first two films, (multiple commentaries, double digit deleted scenes, making of featuretts, etc.) then we should be in for a real treat. One thing I hope it covers more is Alice’s back-story. The first two films take place in two days of her life with each movie proceeded by amnesia, and an extended hospital stay. Extinction picks up years later where she’s been roaming free. Alone. If the DVD tells us a little more about this gap time I’d be in zombie heaven.

Today's comic is more of a dig at Canada than either Resident Evil or Land of the Dead though my fine neighbours to the north don't deserve the attack nearly as much as these Zombpocalypse films do. I've never been to Canada, but I've always wanted to visit. Everyone raves about how progressive and clean it is. Does it make me sound creepy that those are the two things I look for in a Metropolis?

I think what eventually made me decide to move forward with this joke against my first instincts was something from two of the best sitcoms ever to exist, News Radio and How I Met Your Mother. Both shows feature Canadian born characters living in America and spare no expense at exploiting their social differences. And it's not just the obvious ones like healthcare and the way they pronounce “about”. These shows target the smallest differences like TV shows, magazines, school systems, pre-teen pop singers and so on.

So - Sorry Canada. I'm sure you're a lovely place filled with lovely people and lots of fun, wholesome things to do. If you did take offence to today's comic, don't blame me. Blame America's superior television programming.

This comic isn’t supposed to be here. This morning’s update was supposed to be Good Luck Chuck. You see, earlier this week when I found out my local theatre would be doing midnight screenings of Chuck and Extinction, I thought it would be fun to ask the board members which comic and review they’d like to see first. I did, and Alba in her panties beat Mila in the desert by two votes.

But when I got to the theatre the screening of Chuck was sold out. From what I can tell from the crowd in the lobby it was douche-heavy group so I’m glad I avoided it and went for the less disruptive, up late to actually see a movie, crowd.

So I’m sorry I couldn’t get you guys the comic you wanted sooner, but the Chuck comic is done (there’s the panel to prove it!) and ready to go. I’ll be catching it tomorrow and doing my best to make sure you’ve got that update by Saturday morning. Until then - have a great weekend!

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V

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