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Discuss this week's Joe Loves Crappy Movies here!

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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

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Starring: Jess Weixler

Directed by: Mitchell Lichtenstein

Teeth Productions

The Official Site of Teeth

Discuss Teeth on the boards!

There were already hundreds of reasons in the world to be afraid of vaginas before the movie Teeth came along. And now that Teeth has added… “teeth” into the mix, there’s a whole new reason to fear and respect the promise land.

Teeth is based on the Latin phrase “Vagnia Dentata” (the “toothed vagina”). The unconscious belief that a woman will castrate her partner during sex. It is a classic mythological symbol, in countless cultures, for men’s fear of intercourse. (Paraphrased from the definition given on Teeth’s official site. Check out some of the cultural examples they give!)

In Teeth, the Sarlacc Pit belongs to Dawn (Jess Weixler), a young, wholesome teenage girl that preaches abstinence and spends her time trying not to think about what she naturally wants to do with her lady business. Never fully knowing what her lady business actually has planned if given the opportunity to strike. I’m talking about it like it’s a separate entity with a mind of its own, which may be misleading but the dangers of what she’s capable of certainly never crosses Dawn’s mind until it’s too late.

The movie takes its time getting started. Like any good horror movie the wait for that first big strike from your monster (or… whatever) can feel like an eternity. We’re treated to at least twenty minutes of character development and a few close encounters before Teeth’s real star finally makes itself known. From there on out it’s a non-stop ride of humor and horror that will have you holding your sides and clutching your balls.

What’s most interesting about this portion of the film is the development of Dawn from the mousy abstinence girl to the confused young woman who doesn’t know how to respond to the abnormal change in her body. It’s easy to see why newcomer Weixler won ”Special Dramatic Jury Prize For Acting” at Sundance when you see the range of emotions her character goes through in the second half of this film. Not surprisingly, they break that prude exterior, but they do so in a very convincing way.

The movie is definitely funny, but in my experience, it was almost as if the audience was afraid to laugh. It wasn’t until one brave soul (who could hold it no longer) let out a bellowing laugh, that the rest of us were able to loosen up and enjoy the seemingly unnatural element of this movie. From there on out the jokes were funnier, the gore was gruesomer (not a word) and the movie was better off for it. So for those of you planning on checking out Teeth, I challenge you to be that brave soul. Don’t hold back. If it’s funny – laugh! And set your audience at ease.

The visuals of the film can get gruesome at times. Teeth is definitely not for the feint of heart, but it’s certainly not your typical monster or slasher movie either. The scares are based more on uncomfortable thoughts than big loud surprises, which is nice, but not necessarily frightening. I’ll take a disturbing thought over a cheap thrill any day of the week though.

Writer/Director Mitchell Lichtenstein has struck on something very unique with Teeth. Believe me, I stood in the line of hipster doofuses that proves how cult crazy this movie is truly capable of becoming. But what will really makes Teeth click is not its gimmicky concept of fanged genitalia but the sharp tale of female empowerment that springs from within it. Smart enough to impress the audiences showing up just for the buzz concept and those smart enough to spot a good publicity stunt when they see one, Teeth is one of those movies that should stand the test of time. I see it being played at midnight marathons for decades sandwiched somewhere between Rocky Horror and Spice World. Whether or not that’s good or bad, Teeth definitely has something more going on than mutated lady parts.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10 - I’m judging this one conservatively because as much as I like it, it’s not without it’s problems. And after a discussion on the boards about expectations effecting the overall impression of the movie I want to make sure you guys I’m trying not to let expectations affect my overall score. I don’t want to come back 6 months from now for a second viewing, and have an 8 staring me in the face. Some movies age better with time, most don’t. 6.6 is still a pretty decent score.

As glowingly positive as that last paragraph was, I do recommend trying to catch Teeth while it’s still in theaters. It’s an experience to be surrounded by 70 people all flinching, cowering and laughing at the same time and we shouldn’t take those things for granted.

Nah. I wouldn’t mind seeing Teeth again or watching it with a group of friends just to gauge their reactions, but I can’t see suffering through this on any kind of regular basis. Plus, it reminded me so much of Slither (a movie also built out of scares and laughs but with a budget to back it up) a movie I love but never ended up buying. I’d feel guilty buying Teeth before Slither not just because I enjoyed Slither more, but also because I recognise this is just a genre I wouldn’t revisit enough to appreciate enough on DVD.

But if you do and you already own Slither, by all means - get your freak on.

Slither - All that talk in the DVD Worthy section has given me the Slither fever. Pardon me while I update my Netflix cue.

The idea isn’t nearly as innovative but Slither delivers as well or better than Teeth on every other front. From Nathan Fillion’s deadpan sheriff to the grotesque make-up effects on Michael Rooker to that instant classic bathtub sequence, Slither creeped, wiggled and… well… it slithered right into our hearts. If you have a favorite movie that walks the line between horror and comedy, please do feel free to share on the boards. And I’m beating you to the punch with ‘Evil Dead”. Sorry.

I’m keeping it short a sweet tonight folks. There are a lot of movies on tap and with the Triple Feature beginning in 1 hour and 14 minutes, I’ve got to make sure I’m up to speed on the latest news of the weekend. Let me get this straight… It’s not ok to think Cloverfield wasn’t perfect? Ah, I’m just messin’ with ya. :D Tune in tonight to hear me and the fellas go all spoiler on the birth fo a classic monster.

And thanks for reading! I’ll see you in a couple days with more.

Joe Dunn's Facebook profile

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Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V

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