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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

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Fool’s Gold

Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Kate Hudson, Donald Sutherland, Alexis Dziena, Ray Winstone, Kevin Hart

Directed by: Andy Tennant

Warner Brother’s Pictures

The Official Site of Fool’s Gold

Don’t get too excited. Fool’s Gold, the new movie where Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey play an unlikely couple about to finalize a divorce and begin the greatest treasure hunt of their lives, is as predictable and romcom-corny as you're afraid it is. Prepare NOT to be dazzled by an empty story and two hours of film that really hopes you're impressed by well shot underwater footage and Caribbean music. This treasure hunting story holds very little “treasure hunting” or “story”, but really hopes that maybe that's not what you’re looking for in a “treasure hunting story” and that you won’t really notice the absence amongst the nice scenery. Fool’s Gold is… I’m making this more complicated than it needs to be. Surf, sun, treasure, beautiful people wearing very little clothing. There you go.

Part of Fool’s Gold’s campaign is that these are terribly good looking people. Even the supporting cast including Alexis Dziena with her never-ending parade of swimwear and Donald Sutherland with his perfectly trimmed moustache and elaborate ascots, are all primed to perfection. But the focus is certainly on the stars and it’s true - they are good looking people. There’s no getting around that. In fact, there were times in the movie where I wasn’t sure who I had a bigger crush on. I’ve shared too much. But seriously, McConaughey has that sort of “every girl wants to be with him, every guy wants to be him” quality even when he’s playing this easy going, hippy-dippy man-child.

Typically the female lead playing opposite this sort of type would be stuck in the “straight guy role” but the memorable moments of Hudson’s performance are the ones where she’s just as lost and just as loopy as McConaughey consistently is. Maybe it’s contagious or perhaps this doomed pair truly does deserve each other.

They both beam, and in the past (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days) they proven that together they can reflect that beam off each other forming one super beam powerful enough to defeat Gozer. And I think people were counting on that magic striking twice. For me though, the movie stalls hard once they appear on screen together for the first time. The opening 20 minutes where we’re introduced to them individually is fast and fun, but as soon as their paths cross – everything stops.

Now, storywise there’s a lull too, so it can’t be blamed completely on them, but it certainly doesn’t speak well of their magic connection. Not to say that it doesn’t eventually rear its gorgeous head (of hair). There are many times in the film, usually when things are going their way, where the two will smile at each other, McConaughey will wink, Hudson will swoon, and all seems right with the world.

As the romantic connection between these two feuding partners in archaeology stumbles along its peaks and valleys the true heart of the treasure hunt crumbles away to nothing. Walking out I really felt that Fool’s Gold could have been saved by one or two interesting clues to really sell that whole treasure-hunting angle of the film to the audience. But director Andy Tennant seemed content treating them as second nature discoveries arrived at by people who have spent years engulfed in the mystery and history surrounding them. God forbid they should include the audience in on the fun. Instead we’re dragged along by our too blonde, too tan tour guides as they lead us to what they’re sure is the setting of the next big clue. And why shouldn’t we trust them. They’re GORGEOUS!

Movies like National Treasure, The Da Vinici Code and even the gold standard of treasure hunting, Indiana Jones, have realized that the best way to dazzle your audience is to really make those clues something extraordinary. Book learning and years of research may be the way actual treasure hunters come to their conclusions and uncover their booty, but with only 90 minutes to charm us you might as well throw in a hidden passage way or a trapdoor-triggering candelabra to keep us on the edge of our seats.

Fool’s Gold assumes that it’s stars natural chemistry and beaming good looks will be enough to carry the film. And honestly… that’s not completely untrue. I’m not going to pretend that Hudson and McConaughey aren’t fun to watch or that together there isn’t a real spark that draws you in, but that can’t carry an adventure like this. It works fine in the realm of big city romance where feelings are the focus and love is in everyone’s heart, but in a movie where there’s a whole OTHER story to tell, tinnie bikinis and rippling pecks will only get you so far.

Rating: 5 out of 10 - Fool’s Gold pulled in solid numbers this weekend, but the truth is that it’s nothing to get worked up about. Purely middle-of-the-road, romantic-comedy standard of entertainment. Nothing to get upset or excited about. But there is definitely a crowd for this. A 22 million dollar opening is pretty solid, in fact it’s something to consider sequel buzz over. Or at the very least another re-teaming of this adorable duo that will hopefully be slightly more convincing than they were this time around. At least enough to warrant a fourth. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a classic pair.

Well, there’s little to find for true adventure fans or true romance fans. What should be the perfect combination of “a little something for the guys and a little something for the gals” to celebrate the Valentine’s holiday really doesn’t come close to hitting either squarely. But there certainly is a market for Fool’s Gold. McConaughey’s shirt is off nearly 60% of the time and worse DVD’s have been bought for less significant reasons.

For me the prime reason to rent this DVD at all has got to be the supporting cast and largely how they play off McConaughey. Ray Winstone only has a couple of scenes but he really takes off with them. It’s amazing how big a laugh underwater cursing can get. But really the movie is worth a viewing just to hear Theo Huxtable say “shit” and shoot a gun.

There are a lot of movies being released this upcoming Valentine’s Day but my sites are set on the least romantic movie of the bunch, Jumper. Mostly because I’ve got a couple things going on right now that are all about Jumper. There’s the contest of course where one reader can be featured in the strip, but Jumper is also the new subject of the JLCM Book Club. Turn out has been great so far but the door is always open. Feel free to share.

Street Kings - This seriously looks like 90% of the “cop that plays by his own rules” action movies with the whacky black informant, gun-shot fish tank and stolen Michael Bay camera swoops all accounted for. But I am such a sucker for Keanu Reeves. I can’t explain it. When I saw the title “Street Kings” I kind of just rolled my eyes, and when I saw Common I sunk in my chair imagining how overexposed he’s becoming… and then Keanu shows up. Like a beacon of light to save the day.

Realistically I realize he’s not the savior that “The One” should be. Not every one of his movies is a homerun, but I can’t help it. I’m an absolute sucker for Keanu Reeve: Action Hero. Throwing in Chris Evans, Hugh Laurie, and a seemingly pissed off Forrest Whitaker in supporting roles is just gravy on what will most likely be a delicious Thanksgiving feast. …that will taste just like every other Thanksgiving feast you’ve ever had. I can’t wait!

Be sure to tune it at 10pm tonight to listen to The Triple Feature where the we’ll be chatting about Fool’s Gold as well as the fantastic In Bruges which came out in limited release this past weekend. That’ll be a tricky one to talk about and dance around the spoilers, but it should be fun.

We’ll also definitely be talking about the launch of Gordon’s new movie news site Moviemake-out.com where he’ll be tackling reviews and news from his own perspective. From his mission statement, Gordon paints a very clear picture of the kind of high quality, low-BS kind of reporting he wants to do on the site, and I’m for one pretty excited about what’s to come. Set those Bookmarks, people!

If there’s time we’ll also talk about the other major releases including the one’s that did well (Welcome Home Rosco Jenkins) and the ones that didn’t have quite the same luck (Vince Vaughn’s Wild West Comedy Show, Hottie and the Nottie). Of those the only one I haven’t seen is Paris Hilton’s The Hottie and the Nottie, but Tom’s had a lot to say about it in his past couple updates so it’ll probably make it’s way to the broadcast.

Thanks for reading!

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Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V

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Irvsher Fabor
@irvfabor
Finally home had a ton of stuff to do! Well they're done now! And to catch up on sleep after the trip back
29 Jul 2014