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Discuss this week's Joe Loves Crappy Movies here!

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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

The Island

Released: 7/22/05

Viewed: 9:00:pm 7/22/05

Starring: Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, Sean Bean, Michael Clark Duncan, Steve Buscemi, Djimon Hounsou.

Directed by: Michael Bay

I'm still a little shaky. Four hours after the movie and I'm still right there, looking over my shoulder, dodging bullets and praying to god that I don't drive into on coming traffic?again. This movie was a ruthless sci-fi masterpiece that refused to let you breathe. Unbelievably intense to the point that you'll forget you have to go to the bathroom. Constantly besting themselves The Island pounded away offering up more and more, except always, bigger, better, and cooler. We have a new Sci-fi action classic to add to the list as this is one of the best films of it's kind since the Matrix. The Island is not as revolutionary or definitive as it's predecessors, but it is brutally entertaining from start to finish.

Never lagging and never boring, the movie switches genres, scenery and themes in the blink for an eye. Before you know it, the interesting sci-fi thinker has become the action blockbuster of the summer. And that's just the thing. When it's not beating you into your seat with fast, clever action, it's feeding candy to your brain with a great story about "spare part" cloning. Rarely does the story match the action so well, but it's the perfect blend of both.

To say it doesn't lag is not something I expected to type tonight. I knew that it clocked in at just over 2 hours. And I knew it was Bay. Master of the never ending movie. Did anyone see Bad Boys 2? Beautiful action, hysterical comedy, and a little over three movies jammed into one. I expected the same with the Island, but, as much story that takes place here, it feels like a complete piece. It feels right.

In the not so distant future, the rich and powerful clone themselves for spare parts. Birthed from what looks like a huge silicone breast implant, these clones are forced to live together in secrecy. But young Ewan McGregor starts asking the obvious questions, and he gets what he thought he wanted. Sort of.

I've got to give the filmmakers credit here. Ewan learns the truth about the Island (I won't say specifics for spoilers sake, but it's pretty obvious and cool at the same time), and he could have easily gone back to the utopian prison the clones are kept in, and tried to resolve the matter from within. But in the snap of a finger all hell breaks loose and the audience is unleashed upon by some of the most intense chase sequences seen this year.

Back to Bay's work in Bad Boy's 2, as long as the movie is, it's got some amazing sequences. The intense 20 minute freeway scene. We see cars being thrown at cars, boats being thrown at cars, and just about 2 dozen other mind blowing stunts and special effects for you to fall in love with. I see now that that was just a warm up for the 3 ton bar bell chase scene in The Island. Placing the movie in the near future resulted in these cars getting TORN UP! It's great. They can keep my 10 bucks just for that chase.

Still, it's Bay so we're treated to the crooked bad ass angles, and the swooping camera that makes taking a piss dramatic. Seriously, that camera is pulling in and out more often then a Russian import porno. In the world of Michael Bay, revealing your hidden gun, and turning your head to the right have the same amount of significance. But I'm not complaining. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time.

The performances all around are great. Unfortunately there wasn't much for Scarlett to do but look good. Thankfully she does in spades. This is really Ewan's movie and he does a great job, even when forced to do the old (mild spoile) "I'm not the clone, he's the clone!" bit.

And we get solid supporting work from the great Sean Bean, as well as Michael Clark Duncan, Steve Buscemi, and the conflicted anti hero Djimon Hounsou. Hounsou has really been stepping it up lately in the cool performances department.

This movie won't change the world. It's not the Matrix or Blade Runner. But it takes Paycheck, and kicks it square in the ass. And I liked Paycheck. While it won't change the world it should certainly be respected. It was jsut too much fun to watch.

8 out of 10 Looses points because it couldn't take it to the extra level where it becomes a true masterpiece for the ages. There's a lot of great effects and story, but it's the sort of thing where ? it's all been done. To get a 10, you gotta make my brain explode.

DVD worthy?: Yeah. It is long but I think I would get at least one viewing a year out of it.

If you liked this movie check out : Paycheck

In fact, watch Paycheck first. It'll help you appetite exactly what's going on in the Island. Like I said, Paycheck is not as good. I would actually call it the red headed step child of the Island, but it's still a fun movie. Trailer Hitch: Red Eye

The new film by Wes Craven where a woman gets trapped on a plane by a man holding her father hostage. Reminded me of Phone booth. Being trapped in an unlikely situation. It's a good concept but we'll see if Craven and his A list talent (Rachel McAdams ? Mean Girls, the Notebook, and Cillian Murphy ? Batman Begins, 28 Days Later) can pull it together.

Wes Really dropped the ball earlier this year with Cursed, but this looks like an infinitely better concept and cast. Sorry Craigers.

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V