Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars ā€“ Everyone hates it.
The hate started early. Anticipation was already low when Harry Knowles of Aintitcoolnews.com posted a scathing review of The Clone Wars a week before its release. Lucas Films then got Knowles to unpublished the review, for reasons not completely clear. It has been speculated to be anything from threats to ban Aint It Cool News from all future advanced screenings or to debar Knowles mid-Jedi training. (This article has a good retelling of the events with actual quotes and all!) I'm sure there's a legitimate reason. Whatever it is, Lucas Films wanted that review down until the movie actually came out.
But the damage had all ready been done. The Internet was buzzing with the Lucas Films' strong-arming of Aint It Cool News and bootleg copies of the review started popping up everywhere. That was just the beginning of the negative buzz for the Clone Wars.
Even after reading Knowles review I wasn't completely sold that The Clone Wars would actually suck. It was clear that Knowles was a huge Star Wars fan and part of me hoped his strongly negative take was just the disappointed reaction of a hardcore fanboy. Not that Knowles can't be an objective critic, butā€¦ well let's face it. Star Wars is kind of a passionate topic for some people and I wouldn't fault him for speaking from his heart. So, even though he was cutthroat, I thought that with low expectations I might be able to actually get some enjoyment out of the film if I kept my expectations in check.
Sure enough I did. You read my review. I'm not over the moon in love with The Clone Wars, but it certainly wasn't a disaster. Then everyone in the universe disagreed with me. I got home that night and flipped open the new Entertainment Weekly who printed a big fat "F" after their review of the film. Weird, but I couldn't be completely alone. Joblo.com went with a "0" out of 10. Rotten Tomatoes has it currently marked at a pathetic18% fresh and Roger Ebert asked, "Has the magical impact of George Lucas' original vision of "Star Wars" been reduced to the level of Saturday morning animation?"
The rest of the Internet was more of the same. Disappointment all around. Surly the normies would back me up. Nope. One after another in every message board I frequent, responses from the average moviegoer came back just as harsh and just as passionately negative. I was alone.
I would eventually find friends here and there, supporting me after my positive review of the film. More surprisingly, I found an unlikely ally in Gordon who seemed to like it even more than me, but it's clear from last night's Triple Feature that his expectations were set at a record low.
Is that what's ruining this film for people? Expectations? Most professionals can be objective but is there a chance that they're being a little extra harsh because the film doesn't live up to their standard of what a Star Wars movie should be? If that's the case then it's their fault The Clone Wars sucks. A movie is never going to be as good as we want it to be and that's on of the huge failings of the prequels.
I don't mean to defend the film too much, it's not without its flaws. In the long run though I kind of do feel like I say in the comic. Isn't something, even something that doesn't quite meet our own personal standards, better than nothing at all? Isn't it better that we got the few bright spots of The Clone Wars to remember, even among the bad stuff, as opposed to never having the chance to see them at all? I know I wouldn't trade a great character like Ahsoka just because she gives people retarded nicknames.
Perhaps this is the wrong attitude to have though. If we shut up and act grateful with whatever is placed before us then they'll keep giving us garbage. We won't even have a chance to love or hate a movie because they'll all suck. I had fun with The Clone Wars but it might not be wise to voice that opinion if I actually want the series to be better. And I do. Why did Star Wars have to be so good in the first place? If it sucked to begin with we wouldn't have to argue about how good or bad some shitty cartoon reboot of it was and we could get back to talking about Batman
For some reason I felt compelled to make today's incentive image Nic Cage - Sith Lord . What would his Sith name be? I mean it wouldn't be something like Darth Cage. It would totally be something like Darth Hairpiece or something, except spelled in a weird way.
That's it for now, gang. Don't forget to vote for BiteWorld (click the giant banner bellow) and I'll be back with something new and non Clone Wars related soon.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V