Starring: Vin Diesel, Michelle Yeoh, Mélanie Thierry, Gérard Depardieu, Charlotte Rampling, Lambert Wilson

Directed by: Mathieu Kassovitz

Lucas Films

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I’m of two minds when it comes to Babylon A.D.. More specifically, I’m of two minds when it comes to pretty much any Vin Diesel movie. I’m a fan. I think he’s got a great, classic, action anti-hero prescience and anytime there’s a chance to see him jumping away from an explosion or growling at a baddie – I’m soooo there. At the same time… part of me kind of knows that it has just as good of chance of sucking as ruling.

I absolutely love Fast and the Furious, XxX and Pitch Black, but recognize that I’m the minority there. These films are not without their flaws but I would argue that the complete package is stronger than the highs and lows within and that each has been diminished by “less than� sequels. While I love those movies, even looking back, I can see the cracks. I can see the places where one wrong turn could bring it tumbling down. (It doesn’t hurt that those “less than� sequels all but jumped through those cracks.)

So seeing news of a new Vin Diesel movie always fills me with the excitement of what could be and the anxiety of what could go wrong as well as another chance to love a movie that people write off as silly genre fluff. Is this futuristic, people-smuggling movie that’s been drawing comparisons to Blade Runner the vehicle to solidify Vin as the premier action God of his era? Not exactly.

Vin plays Toorop, a mercenary hired to smuggle a very special girl into the heavily guarded New York City. He doesn’t know why and he doesn’t care, as long as the money is green. Or you know – whatever color it is in the future. The package, Aurora (played by French beauty Mélanie Thierry) has been hidden form the world her entire life and is thus blind to the evil of men. The grim and gritty world that has developed shocks and frightens her. Sister Rebeka who has vowed to guide Aurora through her journey joins the two. Some credibility is imported into this role courtesy of Michelle Yeoh who is losing some of that respect by playing the resident little-to-do, old-Asain-badass in two movies this summer (check out her “Wow, there really are no good roles for women� appearance in The Mummy 3) Who knows? Maybe shitty action movies translate REALLY well in Chinese.

Things become amiss when Toorop learns the girl has mysterious powers, but the film takes way too long teasing you with what she’s capable of or how it originated that by the time they get around to explaining it, you don’t care anymore. You’re rooting for the guys trying to kill her, even tough you’re also not entirely sure what their deal is.

A great action scene or two could have saved the sluggish plot development. 5 minutes of a snowmobile chase and a shaky cam cage match were hardly impressive though. When it matters least a shoot out in New York and Vin taking out two cars in the third act both work pretty well, but it’s long after the movie has lost you. One or two bright spots and some fun stuff done with a sort of third-world tech of the future will only hold your attention so long. Unless one of those “neat ideas� can manage to throw together a better script then what good does it do us?

Babylon’s one saving grace is that, even though he’s been out of his element for a while, Vin Diesel is still a legit action hero that is easy to watch and fun to root for. You want to see the bald, bad boy kick some random thug’s teeth through his nose, then strike a pose and drop a snappy one-liner. “I guess he’ll be having nasal spray for breakfast tomorrow…� (I don’t know… I didn’t really think the whole “nose/teeth� thing out before I started writing this. You see what I mean though.)

I respect Vin, and even though he’s basically playing Riddick here with a different hooded jacket, it works. He looks perfectly comfortable in this world and I buy him in it. I just wish he had more to do. I wish they’d spent less time trying to say something profounder than, “KA-BOOOM!� and actually managed to get the explosions right. Maybe I just didn’t’ care. That could explain the why the ending sucked so bad.

I’ll admit to you that as the movie began winding down I was sort of in and out. I became more interested with what I was going to have for dinner than the life or death exploits of these characters. Consequently… I’m not exactly sure what the hell happened at the end. I mean I know the basics, but there was definitely something bigger going on than the handholding walk away of the final scene. Did I miss something big about the clones, politics or religion? Did they not wrap that up? If I did miss it, is that the fault of my bologna-loving belly or the movie that couldn’t hold my attention for longer than 80 minutes?

The sad thing is that the real question is this: “Do I care enough to watch the movie again or even go over to Wikipedia and read some spoilers to find out if I’m the bad critic that missed something important or Babylon A.D. is the bad movie that didn’t bother to explain it.� I don’t think I do care. This movie has taken up enough of my time.

Rating: 2 out of 10 - It’s a low rating but go watch it and let me know if that ending deserves anything better than a 2? Light a car on fire and flip it over or, y’know… actually tell a cohesive story! Then you’ll get your 3

As much as I love Vin and as much as I know deep down somewhere in the crappiest corners of me that actually really loves this kind of stuff, that movies like this generally play better on DVD, I don’t see Babylon making its way into my DVD collection.

A lot has been made of the fact that this cut of the movie was unsatisfactory to the film’s director Mathieu Kassovitz as well as Vin himself, but I’m not convinced a Director’s Cut of the film would suddenly make it worth another 15 dollars of my money. It’s not just that what's on screen is poorly put together, it's that what's on screen isn't very good to begin with. Is it possible that a perfect action sequence was cut out? If so - Why? Was it too "R-rated" of an action sequence for the studios? Is a little more blood and some foul language really going to save this movie? I doubt it.

For the record I have NOT seen Kit Kittredge: An American Girl. There was just no reason for me to despite the fact that it actually has a pretty solid cast. It seemed like the best movie for this joke though so forgive me the fib. Some minor lying in the name of opportunistic vomiting.

Max Payne - The new trailer for Max Payne hit theaters this weekend before Babylon A.D. and after months of agreeing that Mark Wahlberg is awesome for the role and that a R-rating should hopefully seal the deal of greatness, we finally get a substantial look at what we can expect for the film in terms of feel and tone.

It’s gritty and dark, maybe a little too polished but still different, still cool, and all in slow motion so you’ll have plenty of time to take it all in. My gut though is telling me to start lowering my expectations. Mostly because of two other R-rated movies that Payne seems to be reminding me of, both of which impressed in the trailers but stalled when it came time to tell a story.

For some reason when I watch this trailer all I see is a combination of Hitman and Constantine. These are both movies that looked hella cool but couldn’t quite follow through when it counted. With both, I left the theater disappointed of what could have been. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 because I own both on DVD and have come to really appreciate them for what they are (one more so than the other). I would hate to go through a similar journey with Max Payne. It would be so much easier if they would save me some time and energy by making it unequivocally awesome right out of the gate. I don’t want to have to wait 6 months to “learn to love it�.

It was a busy week at the movies but an uneventful one. I saw three of the major releases, none of which could get past the 9 million dollar mark, and was unimpressed with the lot of them. Some were better than others of course. Some had shining moments, others had none, if anything though, this was a reminder that the summer is officially over. I’m sure Nic Cage will want to have his say on the matter this Friday with his big action remake of Bangkok Dangerous but based on the deserted theaters this past weekend, I think it’s a safer assumption that people are enjoying the beach while they still can and are happy to wait until the horror movies of October beckon them back to the multiplex.

As poorly as the new releases did, the majority of them were low budget projects that will easily make their money back on DVD. It would be nice to say that audiences have sent a message by not making Disaster Movie a hit but in this case, “hit� is just a relative term. When something is that cheap to put together it doesn’t take much interest or effort to become profitable. Seems like it would be easier to just make them good though.

More soon.