Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
The Ladies of Max Payne
The Official Site of Max Payne
Discuss Max Payne on the boards!
I can’t believe I made it all the way through the review of Max Payne only barely mentioning the ladies involved. It’s no fault of their own. Max Payne is the kind of movie that prioritizes its guns over its women.
Though Mila Kunis (That 70’s Show, Forgetting Sarah Marshal) plays a no nonsense mafia princess with a steely glare and submachine gun always at the ready, her and her dainty sister (Olga Kurylenko from Hitman and the upcoming Bond film Quantum of Solace) are given little to do beyond be beautiful distractions.
It would help if Kunis didn’t look like a 12-year-old, jittering under the shaking gun as it fires off rounds into the night. She’s lovely and I’ll admit I’m a little afraid of her with those giant eyes and poutty lips (I mean all of that complimentary believe it or not), but that gun she slings around in Max Payne is 3 calibers too big for her. She plays Mona Sax whose role in the game requires her to know what she’s doing with a gun. I would have settled for a handgun though.
Incidentally this little fur and lace number she’s wearing in the picture above doesn’t make the final cut of the film for some reason. A possible reason to check out the movie on DVD, though I’d be surprised if it yielded anything more than another scene of a beautiful woman shooting a gun. Can you ever have too much of that though?
Where Kunis is there to add the feminine touch to a semi-automatic weapon, Olga is there simply to be hot. Beyond hot actually and if you’ve seen Hitman you know this is something she can do in her sleep. She definitely got my attention stomping down a dark alley in a shiny satin mini-dress and sparkling leather jacket. I couldn’t take my eyes of her. Maybe I’m just distracted by shiny objects though…
At a glance, in her performance here you may see a lot of similarities to the over-drugged, under-sexed seductress she played in Hitman, but if you look at the subtleties of the roles you’ll find the smallest of differences. There’s a whole world between slut and skank.
The biggest difference of course is that she doesn’t show her boobs in Max Payne. She sure gives it the old college try though. In a scene where Max brings her back to his apartment she wastes no time in removing her dress and wrapping her self around the sheets of his bed. She shows every bit of skin the PG-13 rating allows her to which will be far to little for some folks.
I actually agree with Irv’s sentiments in today’s strip though. Sometimes the tease is more seductive then the Full Monty. She’s gorgeous in Hitman. Dirty, but gorgeous, and before you can blink you’ve seen everything she has to offer. Make us work for it a little, that’s all I’m saying. She makes us work in Payne and I think she comes off better for it. Can’t wait to see what she does in Quantum of Solace
Well there you have it. A page more than you wanted or expected on boobs and babes. It was fun. We should get together like this more often. (And just because) Say hello to your mother for me.
Yesterday I made sometime to go see the Oliver Stone film W. and I’m having trouble wrapping my head around it. It worked and it didn’t work, and even though I managed to jot down a lot of thoughts when I first came home, I’m having trouble finding the right words to really express how it made me feel. Perhaps I’m worrying too much about a movie no one seemed to see anyway and should start focusing on finding a 5th way to talk about the Saw franchise for its next big release on Friday. If you’ve seen the movie though ‘d love to hear what you thought of it. Don’t be shy.
That’s it for now. Thanks for reading!
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V