Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Twists of Fate: Stormtroopers Can’t Shoot
This joke came about out of my frustrations during Max Payne when the bad guys couldn’t hit a single one of their targets. I’ve given that movie two comics now (one, two) when it barely deserved one, so I decided to focus this joke on the most notorious of terrible shooters in cinema history – The Stormtroopers.
They get plenty of chances in the first three Star Wars films but the Stormtroopers just do not shoot well. They shoot so poorly in fact that when Han and Luke dress up as them – they shoot worse. And we’re talking about a kid that used to bullseye womp rats in his T-16 back home and a guy who had just killed a dude in a bar before he could even get off a shot…. Or so the story goes.
Han should be quaking in his boots in that image above as he tries to close the dock of the Millennium Falcon so the gang can finish their rescue mission. I mean, look at that army of soldiers at the ready. If we’d known every one in the Empire was a terrible shot then we wouldn’t have been worried about the escape at all. Can you imagine if the characters knew? They could have skipped up the whole trip through the garbage shoot and just waltzed passed the incompetent infantry and casually flown home.
I’m willing to give the Troopers the benefit of the doubt though. It’s got to be hard enough to see inside those helmets let alone aim and fire a blaster. I’m surprised they can walk in a straight line to be honest.
It got me thinking about other classic movie characters that also can’t shoot, but there were few that came to mind. Probably because those who can’t shoot don’t live very long. It’s a sort of situation where, you either learn how to aim or you die trying. The Ghostbusters fall into that category pretty well. I laugh just thinking about them testing out the gear, going after Slimer in the dinning hall, just destroying every thing in their wake. By the time the movie ends their old pros – crossing streams and roasting marshmallows and whatnot, but that first mission was a victory in the least sense of the word.
At least the Ghostbusters have an excuse though. They had to deal with an unwieldy stream. The Stormtrooper’s blasters shoot strait the last time I checked. As hard as I tried though I couldn’t think of any famously awful shooters in cinema history. If you guys can think of any of the worst (or best) shooters of all time please post them here. I’m talking about guys that could hit a flea of the back of a dogs ass from 100 yards out and the guys that are so bad they cut of their toe when they're trying to clip their finger nails. I'm not how that relates to shooting but it does somehow.
I wanted to shift gears to talk about something a little more specific to today’s comic. I’ve titled it “Twists of fate that would have made Star Wars SUCK!” and I’d say there’s more than a few of you out there that might argue a Stormtrooper that actually knows how to use his gun would make the film more real, more believable and therefore “better”. I’m right there with you unless of course it makes them so good that they kill Luke 5 minutes after they land on the Deathstar. That might have ruined the movie a little.
I suppose I could have added that extra panel of Luke getting taken out, but I like the way this joke sits. I like that it’s just them coming to the realization that they should be hitting their targets.
The reason I used the title “Twists of fate that would have made Star Wars SUCK!” as opposed to something less specific is because it’s something I established last spring. I’ve actually done three comic under that title (one that actually features Luke dying) that were done exclusively for Clickwheel as part of their downloadable sampler book iNKED. I liked the idea of messing with continuity so much that I decided to carry it over to the comics here. I hope you guys approve.
Those three strips are definitely worth checking out if you’ve got the time but I’ve got more in store for you guys in the future.
I’ve got a rerun of Spike TV’s Scream Awards on in the background as I’m working on this and they’ve got a nice collection of exclusives to show and stars to introduce them. It’s amazing how far that awards ceremony has come in the last couple years. George Lucas is there. Even though I make fun of him a little in today’s comic, that’s still a big catch.
It was nice to see Anthony Hopkins, Wes Craven and Tim Burton honored as well as footage from Twiglight and Friday the 13th which looks pretty good, but I turned the thing on in the first place to see if I could catch a glimpse of the Watchmen footage. They ran it, I watched it, and it was good.
Some of it we’ve seen before. I suppose if you went to Comic Con you saw all of it, but their were the littlest of bits I’d never seen and it was very much worth my while. Hopefully it’ll be up on the Internet by morning. What with all the legal stuff that’s been surrounding the film lately we really needed this as fans. I’m ready to start focusing on just getting excited for the movie again.
Before I go for the day I have two little plugs. One is for my own comic, I’ll get that out of the way quick. Phil and I are now 4 strips into a Seesaw storyline over at Matriculated and I’m really having a good time with it. I’m happy with the way it’s developing and would love for more people to check out the wonderful stories Phil is putting together there.
Plug number two goes to a comic called Dear Pirate in which submitted questions from readers and fans are answered in comic form by a clay pirate. I met the creator at Baltimore Comic Con two years ago and loved the concept instantly. So much so that I submitted a question right then and there. It was, “What is your perfect Sunday?” It took him a little over two years to answer it (typical lazy pirate) but it’s up right now. Go show the pirate some love.
Well that is it for today but I hope you enjoyed the random Star Wars joke. I’ll be back with more before you know it. Thanks for reading.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V