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Discuss this week's Joe Loves Crappy Movies here!

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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

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Saw Spoiler Talk

The Official Site of Saw V

Discuss Saw V on the boards!

So, in case the title above wasn’t a clear enough indicator – today’s comics contains spoilers for the Saw franchise and lets be honest – the spoilers are the best thing about it so don’t ruin it for yourself.

The one thing I would’ve liked to talk about in the full review of Saw V but couldn’t really, was the disposable cast of film. Of the entire franchise really. No one is safe. Everyone dies. In one respect that it really great, because if no one is truly safe than there’s always this genuine air of danger. Like anything could happen at any moment. That’s true horror. At the same time though, the constant threat (let’s face it… The inevitability) that your hero is going to die makes it terribly difficult for the audience to become attached to any of them. They’re dead before we had a chance to care why they’re dying or really get to know them.

I’m speaking specifically about the cops assigned to track Jigsaw down from movie to movie. Danny Glover, Donnie Wahlberg, Dina Meyer, Lyriq Bent and most recently Scott Patterson. Each of these cops appears in at least 2 films of the franchise but their return appearances feature them either as a victim setting up the new adventure or as a secondary supporting player setting up their own character to die in the sequel. Patterson has the largest opportunity to win over audiences after doing back-to-back duty as top cop in parts IV and V. He eventually meets his end in a shrinking room. If only R2D2 could have been there to stop the walls from closing in.

His death closes out the movie and should have been an absolute shocker. It should have been like watching Indiana Jones getting speared by Hitler. But it wasn’t. We hardly knew the guy. He was just the assigned cop going through the motions.

Of the cops, the only one I built any kind of attachment to was Donnie Wahlberg, and I’m going to be straight with you – it’s because he beat the trap. Watching him pound his foot into dust to escape an ankle trap in Part III forever immortalized the character in my mind. It’s a shame he had to become the catalyst and victim for part IV’s less than thrilling adventure. Now, Patterson defeats a trap too right at the beginning of this latest film, which was pretty awesome, but we see his squishy end an hour later so it was all for nothing.

Saw has a strict turnover policy of using characters until they’re dead. These good men and women will work the case until it literally kills them and, while honorable, it’s the wrong way to go. What if after escaping the trap we never heard from Matthews again. Then he becomes a legend in the series. Then you bring him back in part VIII to finish off the franchise with a bang. You’ve got a character people remember being a proper hero. As it stands now, some cop we’ve only known for a movie and a half and will have no connection to will be the one to take down Jigsaw.

The franchise still has one ace up their sleeve though. Cary Elwes, the Dread Pirate Roberts himself. Elwes was the character from the first film that actually went through with cutting off his leg to escape Jigsaw’s trap and save his family only… after he dragged his crippled ass out of the room he was never heard from again. More than likely he’s pretty dead what with the missing foot and all, but what if he wasn’t? What if he came back? I’m telling you it would blow people’s minds and it would fit in perfectly to the pattern of “looking back” and “turning the adventure in on itself” that Saw has established with its sequels.

The good guys aren’t the real heroes though. There’s a reason that we don’t care about the victims or the cops trying to save them, I mean we might care a little, but not nearly as much as we do about the villains. It’s Jigsaw himself (Tobin Bell) who’s the real life of the franchise. So much so that he’s still prominently featured even after being murdered in III and dissected in IV. He and his first assistant Amanda (Shawnee Smith) are the characters worth remembering. The characters that people might actually dress up as for Halloween if they did a better job with the costuming. (Seriously? Red Cloak/animal masks/freaky puppets? That’s the best they could come up with?)

I understand that people have to die to keep the franchise fresh and dangerous but I don’t think it’s worked well to Saw’s longevity to line them up, movie after movie, just to have them slaughtered. Give us someone to care about, not just someone we can watch die because, as much as we love Jigsaw… we don’t want him to win in the end.

Guess who’s in the latest edition of Rob and Elliot as a background character? Not you. That’s right – me! And Tom too, but he’s got his own comic to brag about that in. I just wanted to say a quick thank you to the guys for including me in their movie-themed comic this week. If you’re not already reading Rob and Elliot you’re missing it out. It’s pound for pound the funniest strip on line. Seriously. You know how, even a really good comic, will have the occasional misstep? The occasional joke that doesn’t quite work out? Clay and Hampton seem to have solved that problem completely, delivering only top notch stuff.

For what it’s worth they’re two of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet in real life. Show them some love.

That is it for today… I have no idea what’s going up tomorrow, it’s early though. I’ll figure something out. Oh, actually I’m putting together a Halloween comic featuring the cast in movie-themed costumes. Yeo said we should go as Hiro and Ando, but I din’t think I could pull off “guy in suit that is taller than other guy in suit holding sword.” If there are any of you out there planning on going out this weekend in a movie-themed outfit, send in some pics and I’ll run them with the update!

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Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V

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