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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Watchmen

Starring: Malin Akerman, Billy Crudup, Matthew Goode, Jackie Earle Haley, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Patrick Wilson, Carla Gugino,

Directed by: Zack Snyder

Warner Brothers Pictures

The Official Site of Watchmen

Discuss Watchmen on the boards!

The following is indulgent and (to a degree) inaccurate. Please see Watchmen. It is experience that deserves your personal opinion.

If Watchmen is anything – it’s thorough. Based on the legendary graphic novel by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons, a collection that is largely regarded as the greatest story ever told in comics as well as a turning point in how the industry was perceived, Watchmen is a stunningly faithful adaptation. Because of its depth and complexity it has been called unfilmable but director Zack Snyder, a man that clearly did his homework and is very passionate about the source, did the unthinkable and filmed an authentic and entertaining masterwork. But at what cost? The unfilmable film has been filmed and done so faithfully but surely we lost something in there besides the random pirate reference and space squid.

Watchmen sells its soul for the details. Everything from the photos on the wall to the Presidential dedication on the grip of The Comedian’s pistol is lovingly authentic but the story at times becomes cluttered, clouded and long. Watchmen is a visual masterpiece too worried about securing the right song for the opening titles then it is securing an emotional connection with its audience.

Before the nasty e-mails come in – I’ve read the book and I get it. I understand how important Watchmen is and, more importantly, why it’s important. We wouldn’t be where we are today in comics or film without it but I don’t think my time spent reading the graphic novel over the past 15 years hurt my experience at the theater today. Any aversion I have for the film has less to do with my expectations, then how the film was executed.

Ask even the most informed and eloquent fan of the source material to explain Watchmen and chances are it’ll still start off with an, “Ummmm…”. And with good reason. There’s a lot of stuff going on. Politics, doomsday, superheroes, impotency… it’s a difficult string to untangle in a sentence or two. Simply put Watchmen is a murder mystery. A regrouping of retired heroes to identify and take down a mysterious serial killer that’s targeting their kind.

The slightly more complicated explanation would identify Watchmen a deconstruction of how we perceive superheroes in the real world. What would really happen if guys and girls put on masks and fought crime? Well Mothman got hauled off to the loony bin, Dollar Bill got gunned down when his cape caught in a revolving door, and The Silk Specter is aging ungracefully in a retirement home dreaming of her glory days as she downs her fifth martini of the afternoon. And that’s just in the opening credits.

In this world Batman becomes Rorschach, a mental patient behind an inkblot mask who will spare no criminal (or puppy) that crosses his path. Captain America becomes The Comediean, a government soldier poisoned by a lifetime of war. Superman becomes Dr. Manhattan. America’s100-foot tall secret weapon who’s bald, blue, naked and wining the Vietnam war with a wave of his finger and a blank, inhuman stare. It’s easy to assign them to these “types” but the Watchmen are very much their own thing. Or at least they should be.

Watchmen features half a dozen realistic extremes in its characters. Twisted versions of the figures you idolized as children that are explored here… at length. Like I said – Watchmen is thorough. Unfortunately to the point of distraction. The mystery of the mask killer gets lost as we explore these characters. They’re not established as suspects as much as they are targets and as a result, what should be the driving force of the movie gets lost in back stories. While Watchmen is paying attention to the details, it distracts itself from the reason it began exploring the characters to begin with.

As thorough as the film is in establishing its cast of characters, inexplicably I found it hard to connect with them. Characters I’ve loved for years were nearly soulless vessels when brought to life and it made the movie suffer further. What should be natural feels forced. What should be emotional becomes comical. It’s not right when the two biggest laughs of your epic ode to superheroes are in a tender moment of lovemaking and a maniac punching a woman.

No matter how closely they followed their bible something was lost in translation. The frenzied masterpiece can’t find its footing on the big screen. As awesome as it was watching Rorschach and Nite Owl on the case, Ozymandias schooling a would-be assassin or even “two riders approaching outside in the cold distance”, Zack Snyder’s Watchmen proves to be fiercely entertaining proof that this story is in fact unfilmable… For now at least.

Rating: 7.5 out of 10 - I had a tremendously difficult time writing this review. I’d outlined my thoughts quickly but found, no matter how hard I tried, it was difficult not to compare the film to the comic. I wish very much that I were eloquent and well spoken enough to construct my thoughts without the crutch of “It should have been like this”. Above all I encourage you to find your own opinion though, despite and underwhelming box office, there should be an Internet full of them come Monday morning. Fee free to share yours with us here.

Watchmen is a movie that, despite its length, will actually be better in repeat viewings. To the diehard fans, buying the movie on DVD will give them countless opportunities to spot the finer details from the comic adapted into the background. To those new to the world, buying it on DVD will give them the opportunity to really fall in love with the characters the same way that first group has. If the material isn’t enough of an incentive then please consider the copious amount of extras that will be collected on this release. All the promotional footage, featurettes on the book, the adaptation, the making of, a director’s cut including the The Black Freighter footage… and on and on.

Although… part of me is afraid this movie might end up sitting on the shelf. The length alone and not wanting to treat it as background noise could have it collecting dust rather than getting steady play.

The Hangover, Public Enemies, Observe and Report, - In my IMAX screening at Lincoln Center there was only one trailer running before Watchmen, a new one for Harry Potter 6, which I’ll get into later in the week. Screenings on the smaller screens were reporting upwards of 6 trailers running before the film, which is a little bit ridiculous. I would go as far as to say it was cruel considering it turned this 2 hour 41 minute movie into a solid 3 hour ordeal. It was the last thing audiences needed leading up to the adventure. At least it was all quality stuff. I’m sure the new stuff for Wolverine: Origins, Pixar’s Up, and Terminator Salvation were shown to a slew of you, but here are the stand-outs of what I watched on line.

The Hangover - Todd Phillips returns with a raunchy comedy a cast of characters that could make this film the instant classic Old School was a few years back. At the very least The Hangover should be worth a trip to the theater to see Mike Tyson praise classic Phil Collins tunes. Knowing that people besides me and Bale in American Psycho love a good Collins jam makes me feel very warm inside. Come one. Who out there loves some “Easy Lover”?

Public Enemies - Completely blown away by this. I love man’s slow burn style but this trailer cooks all the way through. Even in a different era he’s bringing a fresh modern dynamic to these characters. I can’t wait to see what Bale and Depp do under his direction.

Observe and Report red band trailer – Yeo was quick to call out how much this really is like Paul Blart. A few of the plot details are a little closer than I’d like to admit. I’m not saying that’s bad, but it ain’t good. It puts a lot of pressure on Rogen to succeed as much or more as James did in the similar and much lighter part. Observe and Reports biggest detractor will be that it’s much darker. It turned us off to be honest. Not that Blart turned us on but the idea of watching a depressed, violent version of that sounds as appealing as watching that again. We’ll see how things go.

This popped up on /film Friday morning and I’ve watched it at least 6 or 7 times since then. It’s the Watchmen done up as a 1980s cartoon series with all the classic references you’d expect. As strong a Watchmen parody as Watchmen Babies from The Simpsons. To be fair though that was only the cover of a comic book. This features Dr. Manhattan giving bad guys cancer… and then turning into a car.

There’s plenty up there to soak in so I’ll just shut up down here. Thanks for reading.

Joe Dunn's Facebook profile

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V

pimptour
@pimptour
@retail_rage @joedunn721 and @irvfabor are trying to convince me not to eat them because I "don't know where they'v... https://t.co/MlsSGyJNni
19 Oct 2019
Joe Dunn
@joedunn721
And then we have Bunny with Mjolnir and Cap's shield. https://t.co/qquUX1zTOG
11 Jan 2020