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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Crank: High Voltage

Starring: Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Dwight Yoakam, Efren Ramirez, Ling Bai, Clifton Collins Jr., David Carradine, Corey Haim, Geri Halliwell

Directed by: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor

Lionsgate

The Official Site of Crank: High Voltage

Discuss Crank: High Voltage on the boards!

The last time we saw Chev Chelios he had just bounced off an old man’s car and slammed into the pavement of downtown Los Angeles after falling a thousand feet out of helicopter. It was the first moment of a 90-minute chase across the city that included murder, transvestites and public sex acts, where the film slowed down enough for the audience to catch their breath. Chev had successfully killed the men that injected Chinese poison into his heart and was free to die with all his scores settled. Then his open eye, bleeding and starring at you through the camera, blinked.

As the screen faded to black and a shallow heartbeat introduced the credits I couldn’t help but be excited that this wasn’t the end of such an incredible character. That his hectic pacing refused to be slowed down by something as frivolous as death. What I never took into consideration was how perfect Chev’s death was as an ending to his story. The ultimate exclamation point to Crank’s message of pure anarchy. There never should have been a Crank 2

Crank: High Voltage picks up on that L.A. street next to that old man’s dented car where Chev is pealed off the blacktop and tossed into a van. He wakes up months later with a prosthetic heart – something to keep him alive long enough to harvest the rest of his organs. (Like that’s really any more bizarre than anything mentioned in the first paragraph…) He of course breaks free and begins hunting for his heart, killing, knocking out or sexually assaulting anyone that gets in his way.

To keep his robot heart beating Chev has to periodically shock himself. It’s a big leap from the dilemma of the first film, which featured Chev finding unique ways of keeping his adrenaline up, but it leads to some interesting scenes involving jumper cables, tasers, dog collars and the inventible… public sex acts.

The new premise might seem like a jump in logic but that’s High Voltage’s bread and butter. The first major conflict ends with a man having a shotgun shoved up his ass. Mysterious twin brothers out for revenge and floating heads on life support are only a few of the sharks this movie willingly jumps. It’s best to keep in mind that the Crank franchise is basically a live action videogame including everything from the unnecessary subtitles to Mario Kart sound effects. You’d do well to suspend belief here.

I was perhaps too harsh in saying that there never should have been a Crank 2. To me it seems almost obvious that they’re setting up a third film and part two is merely the bridge between them. The very violent, chaotic bridge that’s been condemned for years and is a little bit on fire. High Voltage plays like one extended action sequence between two plot points. It’s unwavering and unyielding in its energy but it also has very little to say. Where the first movie used its style to help tell a story of revenge in L.A., High Voltage’s plot seems to be taking a back seat to experimental filmmaking and a few dozen great action scenes. It looks fantastic but is really just the big explosion before the last explosion. High Voltage is heavily flawed, incomplete on its own and desperate to continue a story that rightfully should have stopped. But as a Crank movie it’s exactly what you want it to be. High energy, uniquely shot, completely insane and tons of fun. Things like “where the story’s going” seem so insignificant somewhere around the point that Chev’s head catches on fire. As he burned in the sun giving me the finger, I realized I was watching one of action’s best modern icons… and I wanted his adventure to continue.

Rating: 5 out of 10 - If I’m looking at high Voltage objectively and grading it for the masses then a rating of 5 is very fitting. It’ll offend as much as it will impress. As a Crank movie it succeeds in what it wants to do and would probably duke it out somewhere closer to 7 or 8 in the ratings just based on its twisted sense of humor. But appealing to Crank fans isn’t going to keep the average moviegoer from walking out on it.

If you own the first Crank then you might as well add this one to the collection. It’s less accomplished in concept but has the same free spirit, style and energy that made the first film so original.

For one reason or another I struggled with this strip. It was just one of those projects that just did not want to be finished. Ever. I decided not to push it and to let it evolve naturally to the point where I was working on it on and off throughout all of yesterday. I’d finished it before last night’s Triple Feature but had not posted it and was mortified when one of the other guys mentioned a mysterious twin brother for Chev as a joke. Nothing stings quite as much as being beaten to the punch. Especially when you put about 6 hours in on making that punch look good.

I’d like to think that the joke is as much about the bate and switch that Irv is offering Ned (our real life car tender) as it is about Kev Chelios but that’s really just me grasping at straws. Today’s lesson is just finish and post the damn comic already because if you won’t someone else will.

Thanks for reading. Ther will be much more soon.

Joe Dunn's Facebook profile

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V

pimptour
@pimptour
@SCORPDLM @joedunn721 Did I say days? I meant weeks (months?). Sorry about that but they're available in the store... https://t.co/yw3fNlT8PK
26 Sep 2022
Joe Dunn
@joedunn721
@dernjg hahaha! You say that now but when I need you, baby... you're never there.
07 Oct 2022
Irv Fabor
@irvfabor
When your away from a spot where you built a rapport with the bartender and you're away for three weeks and once yo... https://t.co/VpJqiTWoZV
16 Sep 2022
Kevin Gleason
@retail_rage
@joedunn721 Unbelievable how many steps back we are taking.
23 Jul 2022