Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Jason Statham vs. EVERYONE!
The Official Site of Crank: High Voltage
Discuss Crank: High Voltage on the boards!
There are many people that I would like to see Jason Statham fight. Not that he’d actually be able to defeat them all (I’m pretty sure that Andre the Giant’s Ghost would give him a run for his money) but just to see him round house kick some of these guys would be kind of amazing. The real thing we should be asking ourselves about these fights is could Statham keep his clothes on during them or would he go all Transporter on us? And if he did, would that make the fights more or less interesting? Versus Bob Barker… definitely more interesting.
We’re all Jason Statham fans here right? He’s not only a fantastic character actor but also one of the brightest spots in the entire modern action genre. He does his own stunts, loves to say the F-word and brings a remarkable amount of rugged sex appeal and average Joe likeability to what would otherwise be bland characters. Could you imagine how frightfully lame The Transporter would be if it starred Slater from Saved By The Bell? Plus, Statham brings with him the accent. Even lines like “Yippie Kay Yay, Mister Falcon”, “I’ll Be Back.” and “I’m sick of these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!” would sound so much better in a British accent.
Let us thank the action Gods for bringing us Jason Statham. I just pray that one of his movies makes some decent money in the not too distant future. The Rock and Vin Diesel sold out to Disney so they could solidify their place in the 100 million dollar club while Statham continues to cuss, kick and crank his way into our hearts with uncompromising, set-your-face-on-fire action movies. He may not be action’s biggest or richest star but he’s easily one of the favorites.
So who would YOU like to see Jason Statham fight? I invite you to share your suggestions with the board. I don’t expect this to become a regular thing but if there are a handful of great suggestions I may be persuaded to have Statham busting ass in the background of a strip or two in the coming weeks.
I wanted to give a quick shout out to a couple of friend’s books that are now on sale both of which I wrote the forwards to. The first collection of Steve Napierski’s strip The Outer Circle is now on sale for just $9.95. Such a great deal for that amount of amazing content. I’ve got a couple of guest strips in there as well as the forward but if you love boob jokes and nerd humor this is a treasure trove of strips just waiting for you to dive into.
The other is Theater Hopper: Year Three. Chances are you’re already aware of this one, but were you aware that I wrote the forward and provided an original illustration for it? As with The Outer Circle, my pitiful contribution are nothing compared to what awaits you inside. Do yourself a favor and order up some good books today.
Thanks for stopping by. I’m sorry for the delay in the strips lately. I’m recovering from an unexpected sickness and have been in a Nyquil fog for the last couple days. More is coming though including a very enthusiastic review of State of Play.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V