Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
The Transporter 2
Viewed: 3:40pm 9/2/05
Starring: Jason Statham, Alessandro Gassman, Amber Valletta, Katie Nauta
Directed by: Louis Leterrier
When the Transporter came out in 2002 I couldn't have been more excited. It had the coolest trailer of that year, it stared the dude from Lock Stock and it was produced by Luc Besson who had put together a pretty solid r?sum? of quirky action stunners. The Transporter looked no different. Lots of kicks, lots of explosions. What more could a boy ask for.
Well, MORE apparently. I wasn't thrilled with the transporter. I thought it dragged to much and that there were some serious problems with the supporting cast. So when I saw that Transporter two was being made I wasn't doing cartwheels down the hallway singing a song of amusement. Well, I was, but it was completely unrelated to this. Either way ? I was going to see it, but I wasn't going to be fooled by flashy trailers
Sweet damn the trailer for this movie is pretty good! Cars leaping buildings, big explosions, big kicks. I gripped the arm of my chair telling my self not to get sucked into the same old tricks. And I wasn't. I went in low.
Great movie. Everything goes up a notch here. The action is bigger. The stunts are bigger. You wouldn't know it to look at him, but average everyman Staham can freakin' MOVE! And it's always better when you can see the actor doing his own stunts. There's a lot of smart inventive action going on here. Highlights include a doctor's office (where the walls are thin but the doors are surprisingly re-enforced. Go see the movie, you'll get it.), and the "little man big man" fight inside a boat. Statham's character Frank get caught inside a small boat with a huge dude. He's just flippin' around him, kicking' him all over the place. It's out of control.
Like any action movie there are a couple of "What the hell!?" moments where stuff is just too impossible to believe. But it's totally forgivable. You have to take it with a grain of salt. It's an action movie ? do what you gotta do.
Solid support this time around. I liked new comer Kate Nauta as the merciless Lola. She's completely bad ass, but sadly goes out worse then the Scarecrow in Batman Begins She's got a lot of good screen time up front where she's kicking ass, but her inevitable finally with Frank was disappointing. This was her first movie, and aside the fat that she sorta looks like a 12 year old boy on growth hormones, she was very good on screen. Her next movie is X-3. Not a bad way to enter Hollywood.
French actor Francois Berleand returns as Franks Inspector friend. I loathed him in the first film. Mainly because he was attatched to the scenes that slowed everything down. Here his role is much more lighthearted. I would even say he's the comic relief. And he wears it well. I'll happily expect to see him in the Transporter 3 (hope hope hope).
One misfire with the cast. They cast Keith David in this movie and used him way to little. The man is a GOD and deserves way more roles. Did anyone see Men at Work? He rules in that movie.
Can't not give proper respect to Statham. He's on screen for nearly the entire time, and he's getting better and better every time I see him. He nails the action to a T. Like I said, the guy can move. But the movie calls for him to have a friendship with a child, and the scenes between them are very natural and real. He did a great job.
Overall Transporter 2 is high quality. Well shot, well acted, well thought out. The rough edges of the first movie were polished out to create something that I would happily watch again.
7 out of 10 Looses points for a couple of reasons. Some of the fighting wasn't clear enough. A couple of quick cuts were distracting. Honestly though, when he's beating up a dozen guys with a hose, it doesn't even matter. It's just cool. Also I feel like they never went big enough. Yeah cars are jumping buildings, and people are kicking the hell out of people, but it all felt small scale. I can't wait for the Transporter 4 (hope hope hope) when he's taking out the big boys and not dealing with the small fish.
DVD worthy?:I think so. It was a lot of fun, but there would have to be some good extras. Possibly a ticket to The Transporter 3 (Hope Hope Hope) So I'm going to say yes optimistically.
If you liked this movie check out: Any Bruce Willis action movie where he's a cop.
Seriously, take your pick. Willis has made a handful of close to flawless action movies. Statham has that same spark. And he's making smart choices in roles. He's poised to be the next big action star and that's great because he has a reality to him. Take someone like Vin Diesel His movies are fun, but he feels like a movie star. He didn't always, that's the sad part. Statham on the other had feels like a guy you could run into on the street. And you know he could kick your ass. Willis was the same way when he started out. It's real. Let's hope Statham can build on the quality he's already done.
Trailer Hitch: Doom
There were no new trailers with this movie except for a more detailed trailer for Doom , the video game adaptation starring The Rock I love the Rock, and I love sci-fi horror, but the original trailer for this movie was garbage. If I've learned anything recently it's that trailers can be deceiving, so I'm staying positive.
It was? not bad. Set up is solid enough ? monsters on Mars. The best thing about this version is that a good bit of it is devoted to the "first person shooter" perspective that players experience in the video game. It's cool because the monsters are jumping at you. (Duh.) But seriuously ? it is cool. Let's hope they use it well, and not as a crutch. At one point you see the chainsaw! Gotta love that.
If you vote you'll see Joe make his transport complete? Not that one ya freaks. Keep it clean.
For those who don't know, all month long we're celebrating the Secret Tales of Super Hero Virginity. Every weekday vote to see a new super hero talking about why they're still a virgin. This isn't completely out of the blue. Last month I did this comic to review The 40 Year Old Virgin. It went up with this incentive image of the Flash giving his reasons. Both were such a hit that I decided to give this month long incentive a short. Hopefully the funny will continue to roll. If not, I'm blaming you.
Remember to vote everyday, and you can check out this thread for the full details and reactions. Thanks guys. The voting thus far has really been outstanding. You guys truly do rule.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V