Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Bring it on 2012
Here we are again. The beginning of a new year at the movies. The January dumping grounds where Oscar gold tarnishes to summer blockbusters not good enough to be released opposite cars that turn into robots and billionaires that dress as bats. A Time where we are simultaneously bombarded with Top 10 lists and movies where Jason Statham drives fast. (Safe hits theaters in April. Can’t wait to see Jason Steak ‘ums kick open a locked safe.)
While this season of cinema is largely dreaded amongst sophisticated cinephiles I’ve come to appreciate its breezy approach and relaxed take on entertainment. The award’s season can be so heavy and overwhelming. Every film trying their best to change your life can take its toll on a moviegoer. Even movies like Sherlock Holmes 2 and Mission Impossible 4, which are designed as pure entertainment, are still reaching for statuesque recognition.
Once the New Year strikes the pressure is gone. The clock is reset and so are expectations of quality. It frees the movies from being perfect and the audiences from deciding if what they’re watching is a life-changing masterpiece or not. We’re free to return to a simpler time when movies were just a fun night out and not the “be all end all” of… whatever. No one cares about the long lasting impact of these movies, only if they’ll satisfy our immediate need for explosions, romance, boobs or laughs.
Without getting too far into it, the 2012 season is lining up to be an interesting one with films like Man on Ledge The Grey and Soderbergh’s latest Haywire offering up some prestige cool towards the end of January. February’s highlights include Chronicle, Safe House and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance all of which look like a good time but could easily be forgettable once The Avengers infests theaters in the spring.
The only sure things of the season are rereleases. Last fall Disney released The Lion King in 3D for the first time and it ruled the box office for something like 4 weeks. Proving undoubtedly that during the dry weeks at the multiplex, audiences love familiarity. In January we have Beauty and the Beast, arguably the best of the early 90’s Disney resurgence and a pretty easy sale for the blanket target audience of EVERYONE. In February Lucas begins his 6 year plan of releasing the 3D converted Star Wars saga starting with Episode I: The Phantom Menace. This is a movie that people despise but do they despise it enough to refuse it on the big screen? Do they despise it enough to not take their children to see it? I have no objections to the Star Wars re-release but only because my now 1 and a half year old son will be age appropriate by the time the good half of the saga is released. Me and my 5-year old are going to rock New Hope like the giddy nerds we are.
Enjoy this breather from movies that will have true impact on your life. Those will be back before you know it. Now is the time to cleanse the palate. So sit back, relax and enjoy every exploding boat, every pratfall, every warm embrace and every boob as intended.
Okay I just wanted to cover a little ground on the expectations of the season I proposed in the comic with the clichéd things to come. I’ll include first the line I had to cut for space. “Katherine Heigl will do something.” Sure I could be more specific but why waste the breath. After a kind of promising start in her movie career, Heigl gotten trapped in a romantic comedy hamster wheel. She has become a parody of herself and while I’ll always hope for the best with someone so promising, it’s hard not to be a little cynical. In February she release One for the Money, which looks fine. Her hair is a different color, so that’s something.
Nic Cage, who I adore for the record, is the star of Ghost Rider, which again comes out in February. The hairpiece this time is a flaming skull – easily his most interesting hairpiece ever. We all know the deal with Spirit of Vengeance an unofficial reboot of the Ghost Rider franchise directed by bad boys Neveldine and Taylor. I have high hopes for this one. Did this comic about it last fall.
The Rock (who I also ad… you know what? I kind of adore all of these people.) who was long trapped in Disney hell but returned to his action roots in resent years is giving us a combination of the two in February with Journey 2: The Mysterious Island. This sequel to Journey to the Center of the Earth upgrades the cast, (I love you Brendan Fraser but come on… Michael Caine is in this!) but if the trailer is any indication it gets a little lost in the effects. This could become a green screen disaster in a heartbeat and I’m holding out a deep hope that the great actors involved can make us care about them enough to not be bothered by bright colors and cheap 3D.
Sam Jackson’s first official movie of the year is The Avengers so the most likely thing called a motherfucker will be “Thor” but Sam’s also got an animated jungle movie called Zambezia
listed that may beat Avengers to the punch. So my hopes for a foul-mouthed animated Sam may not be so far off. Regardless… I can’t wait to see him curse at some fool.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
