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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.


Released: 10/14/05

Viewed: 1:35pm 10/15/05

Starring: Orlando Bloom, Kirsten Dunst, Susan Sarandon, Alec Baldwin

Directed by: Cameron Crowe

A collection of good ideas that Crowe has become a master of gathering over the years, presented in his least impressive plot ever. A clear love letter that connects less with the audience then any should. Even if it's not the emotional slam-dunk he hit with Jerry MacGuire and Almost Famous that love is clear. I got what I got. I wonder if I could've gotten more. Sometimes I wish I had grown up with Crowe, or rather hit all the important benchmarks of life as he was hitting them. Would I have appreciated Elizabethtown more if I was closer to my family, or if I had kids? I'm sure I would have an indefinable affection for certain moments if a shared experience were there.

With every other Cameron Crowe movie that affection via experience was always there. I found it easy to relate, where as here it was a struggle to fall in love with Drew's (Orlando Bloom) endearing family, because I'm not even that much in love with my own family. Maybe if I was.

All the southern charm was also lost on my Yankee upbringing, although I sheepishly admit to getting goose bumps when they started playing Free bird. Kentucky (Elizabethtown specifically) is as much a character here as anyone, and I never fell in love with it the way Crowe obviously did.

Crowe still has some universal charms. The collections I mentioned, things like: Last looks, name predestination, substitute people, marathon phone conversations that actually have the characters saying that their ears hurt (we've all been there). It's that ability to take an idea and translate it instantly, and make it seem fresh and original that has made Crowe so endeared to me. And it doesn't hurt that Crowe knows how to bring a cast together. Even the people who are only on screen for 10 minutes. I could both look at Jessica Biel and listen to Alec Baldwin all day long.

I'm just not sure what happened with this one. I never was enchanted, or invested. Not the way I wanted to be. Until the end.

The last half hour plays like a perfect mix tape of imagery and music as Drew hits the roads of Kentucky to figure out who he is and who his father was. Bloom is perfect as he talks to himself and dances wildly with one hand flowing free. Dunst's narration of what to see and how to see it makes you fall in love with the way she sees life, and it makes you forget how creepy she was in the airport (someone has some serious co-dependency issues). These 30 minutes fly in and fly by making you think about everything from love, to family, to life. As a short film that third act it's some of Crowe's most passionate work. But it's a long trip for the big pay off.

People will not love this movie. I don't know why. It's sweet, and funny, but it won't shoot like a bullet right into your soul, the same way a Peter Gabriel song blasting from a boom box held at the end of some outstretched arms will. Comparison to past work is inevitable because that work is amazing. On it's own, if it was made by anyone else, I may have loved Elizabethtown. I may have hated it. It's certainly not perfect, but I won't forget the way I felt as I left the theater. On some level it did do something to me. But it will not for everybody.

Either way, if I can someday create something that is such a miserable failure critically and commercially, but at the same time so clearly make a personal statement the way this movie does for Crowe, then I would die a happy man. The world be damned, I would give anything for the peace that must have come at the end of this movie, as it's filmmaker. Validation is a delicious desert, but we so rarely get what we want. 5 out of 10 A collection of ideas worth revisiting. A hefty story that stumbled along falling hard over and over again, ultimately hitting it's mark. For me. .

DVD worthy?: No. I've listened to the soundtrack everyday for the past week. I feel like I've seen the important moments a dozen times over in my head. But this isn't a road trip I would want to take often. I've got what I need. I wear my father's gun.

Today's voting incentive is up. But has nothing to do with Elizabethtown. I'm not there right now. Instead, I've illustrated the alternate ending revealed this week on the Titanic: Ultimate edition.

Also please go check out The Kenmore where me and Eri will be doing the strip for the next week and a half.

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V