Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Viewed: 11:59pm 10/26/05
Starring: Tobin Bell, Lyriq Bent, Franky G, Dina Meyer, Beverly Mitchell, Donnie Wahlberg
Directed by: Darren Lynn Bousman
Yes! Saw 2 is the worst movie since Bewitched! It has all the horror of a Scooby Doo episode. The one with Phyllis Diller. You'll be on the edge of your seat with terror if you're frightened by such things as: Falling Pots! Tape recorders! Or Cancer! This movie has almost as much serial murder suspense as the game of Simpson's Clue I played last week. (It was Homer with the poisoned doughnut in the Androids Dungeon.)
And even a packed crowd couldn't save it. A sold out showing filled with people that went out of their way to be there on a work night, whose hoots and hollers couldn't even be diminished by the trailer for Final Destination 3, were lulled to sleep by a clumsy rambling mess of a story. Not as many plot holes as the original, but at least that movie was scary.
Remember when horror movies made you squirm in discomfort? The most terrifying moment in this movie takes place in the opening sequence. And it's really because it's handled the way it would be in real life. You look at the situation and you say "Yeah, that's what I would do." They tease you with what will happen, like any good horror movie does, and there's hope that the movie will be the jolt of fear you were hoping for. No such luck.
After that scene, which was more an exercise of editing then horror, there are scary ideas or uncomfortable moments, but nothing enough to freak you out. Nothing that stays with you and makes you check the backseat of your car as you're pulling out of the theater parking lot. I was more afraid of the zombie monkey in Doom last week. I wish the quick jumps and slick editing would have helped, but unfortunately real life is nothing like a music video, and half hour in you wish the guy would bust out a pan and scan, a steady cam shot, a star wipe, ANYTHING but the quick cuts. My head still hurts a little.
There's no one here that's a bad actor, except Franky G. Remember in the Italian Job where all he did was say three words and drive a car? That was awesome. He was a mess here, which sucks because he's done good work before. He had a show on Fox that got cancelled called Johnny Zero. He was good in that. He fell asleep here. Donnie Wahlberg is good, as is the actor playing Jigsaw. (Name omitted for spoilers sake.) Wish we could have had a little more of Beverly Mitchell. I love it when the cute girls from 7th Heaven get naughty.
In comparison to the first movie it loses all kinds of points. Saw was a great concept movie on human nature, with incredible ideas, good twists, and as many holes in the plot as there are stars in the sky. But on some level, it worked, because even if all the pieces didn't fit together, I was still entertained and freaked out, and surprised at the end. So certain things are forgivable. And I love the idea that there's this large complicated story that is slowly revealed via these two men waking up in a room with nothing but puzzles to get them out. Such a simple idea that is really just a blank slate for creativity.
Saw 2 gets rid of that originality pretty much off the bat. They do up the anti by putting a larger group of people in a larger space. Naturally I expected the deaths and puzzles to be far more complicated and elaborate. Well if elaborate is French for boring, then elaborate is the correct word to use. People die and it's just like ? so what. How was that cool? How could they have solved that puzzle and lived? What the hell happen to that needle?
It didn't help that the basics of the plot like, who are these people and what links them, is obvious beyond "DUUUUUHHHH?", but I'll give some credit where credit is due. The ending is outstanding. There are like 17 twists and turns and surprises unveiled in the last 15 minutes. Just one after another cleverly spliced together with the clips from earlier in the movie, which were actually subtle clues to what was REALLY going on. It's pretty good. And I admit to not seeing any of them coming.
I'm not going to spoil any, but it was pretty bad ass.
Here's the problem: You have to watch the first hour to enjoy that ending, which I refuse to tell people to do. It's like someone kicking your ass for an hour and then they give you a cookie. The cookie is delicious but you can never get that time back. And the 10 dollars? gone. Gone like dreams of a successful franchise. Oh who am I kidding this movie is going to slay in the theater. Fine. Whatever. Anything to get The Fog out of the top 5.
It just means that more Saw movies will come, which I encourage. I still think the concept behind it all is pretty solid, and in the right hands we could get ourselves a pretty good thriller. 3 out of 10 All those points go to the ending. A long trip to get to, and not nearly as satisfying as the original movie, but ? well, it is what it is.
DVD worthy?: Wait for this one people. In 6 months rent Saw and Saw 2 and sit down one afternoon to watch both. Both are seriously short so it won't take long, and watching the first one will make the second one better. That's a promise. But don't bother buying it.
If you liked this movie check out: Clue
It's a comedy, but I would say Clue is just as scary as Saw 2. It's really a fine murder mystery with some hysterical moments that are just as entertaining each time you watch it. Plus it's got Tim Curry as the butler in my favorite of his roles ever. That may not sound like a huge deal but the guy did a lot of cool movies in the 70's and 80's.
Trailer Hitch: Hostel
Yikes! Great trailer. I'm trying to avoid reading specifics on line but from what I gathered from the trailer it looks like a place where you can go and pay money to torture another human being. To what point I don't know, but the natural lines this draws in the sand like class systems, and missing people, and expendable people, is a real springboard for something good. I'm nervous about director Eli Roth who is best know for Cabin Fever but Tarantino is producing, and the fact that it's based on true events was enough to keep my attention. Looks like bloody good fun!
The games continue in the incentive image!
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V