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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

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The Producers

Released: 12/?/05

Viewed: 1:15pm 11/18/05

Starring: Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick, Uma Thurman, Will Ferrell, Roger Bart, Gary Beach

Directed by: Susan Stroman

So, yeah, as Phil points out, The Producers is a movie based on the hugely successful Broadway play, which is based on a less successful movie about a hugely successful Broadway play. That kind of inbreeding can't be good. Truth is though that the cast and crew of this film (even with some high profile new comers) have done this performance so many times that it has become second nature. Their version will be the version people remember, even if the original film starred the great Gene Wilder.

Wow, it has not been a good year for him in terms of remakes. At least he was the better Wonka.

Even if the material has been recycled and adjusted so many times, you kind of get the feeling these folks have gotten it right. Even thought I didn't really care for it.

I like musicals enough, but I was not familiar with this one at all. Yes, I live in NY, but no it's not easy to get tickets to high profile plays, especially on my meager earnings. So I knew next to nothing about this version. Judging from the response of the folks around me in the theatre, this is a pretty accurate adaptation from stage to screen. People were singing along, and cheering when the regular cast members popped up on screen. It was really annoying! (Huge fake smile, the kind of smile that hides blinding anger)

But I'm glad they're happy. It should be a faithful adaptation before it's entertaining to folks who could care less. But that might be the problem. The movie looses me on two specific points: bad assumptions and music.

My assumptions are modest, mostly that the lead characters wouldn't be completely insane. In their opening scene, which feels to be about 25 minutes too long, Lane and Broderick take turns going back and forth being retarded. One's completely uncontrollable as the other tries to control them. Then ? SWITCH! Broderick pulls out a blanket and takes us on a one-way ride to crazy town.

This quickly became frustrating, because it goes on for a long time. A direct result of the lengthy musical numbers. Music can be great in a film, but it can also really kill it. The Producers suffers from these long repetitive songs that kill any pacing and movement the movie has. There are two or three that work pretty well, in my opinion because they're funny. Keep it Gay is easily the funniest, and I liked When You Got It, Flaunt It (performed by Uma Thurman) for completely different reasons. But most of the songs are used to set mood or emphasize a moment, and it's done to an extent that you're taken right out of things.

It's frustrating because the mastermind behind everything is Mel Brooks who also wrote the lyrics. But he's written funnier lyrics before, and I feel like if the songs were more fun, they would have been more bearable. Instead it just seems like our favorite dirty old man finally grew up.

The acting from Broderick, and Lane I felt to be really frustrating. Almost as if they were over rehearsed or TOO comfortable with the parts, if that makes sense. I kept getting this feeling of familiarity from Broderick's performance. Something about the speech patterns and mannerisms I just couldn't place. About half way through it hit me that he was playing the role as Sponge Bob square pants. It's freaky, but watch it and you'll see. It's so much like Sponge Bob that if all the sudden he grabbed a starfish and hugged it I wouldn't have been surprised at all.

This could be my problem, because Broderick will forever to me be Ferris Bueller. Every time he acts differently it always seems odd. Even in movies that I really like. My fear is that he'll be living down that part in my mind forever.

The real treat of the movie is it's supporting players. New comers to the production Uma Thurman, as Ulla the Swedish assistant and Will Ferrell the Nazi German playwright are both fantastic. Uma is sexy as sin, and delightfully ditzy, and Ferrell's scene where he tells the pigeons of his success was one of the funnier moments of the entire film. Both were wise additions that not only brought on quality talent, but also broaden the overall appeal of the movie as it seeks out a larger audience on screen.

If they're the ones that draw you in, these next two will be the ones that convert you. Gary Beach and Roger Bart steal every scene they're in as an ageing actor and his assistant who are desperate for a new hit. Beach as "gay Hitler" is insanely funny and over the top to perfection. Over exaggerated gay humor is a big part of the story in The Producers so you think it would get tired and old, but these guys are hilarious through out.

Overall I left the theater very unsatisfied. There are some very funny parts, and Uma has legs for days, but since when is that good enough reason to recommend a movie? But this movie has earned a lot of respect. It's getting a lot of Oscar buzz and already received a handful of Golden Globe nominations. It may be great as a musical on screen, but it's far from a great movie. So, either I have zero taste in movies, or maybe it's been a slow year in quality movies. I knew this was the year I should have produced my autobiography: Gah! We'll get ?em next year. 4.5 out of 10, unless of course you have a fast forward button on your theatrical cut and can skip the second half of every song. Because after the 3rd chorus ? we got it; you want to be a producer. Now bring the gay guys back, they're hysterical.

DVD worthy?:

No. There are funny parts I would like to see again, but there are more musical productions I would prefer to avoid. When it comes on TV in a few years I will gladly flip back and forth between that and a Night Court marathon.

If you liked this movie check out: The Music Man

Ok, my mom loves musicals. I'm sure she'll love the Producers. My point is she would watch them all the time if she could. So this stuff was always around while I was growing up. Some of them I like, some I loathe, and some I love. The Music Man rocked hard. I just thought it was funny, and had a good story.

It's a story a lot like the Producers, in that it's a big scheme to trick people out of money. They got to great lengths to get some cash. It's been a while since I've seen it, but I think it would hold up. Actually, Broderick did a remake a few years ago, but his over staged version lacked the charm of the original. So if you LOVED the Producers, check out Music Man.

I'm still hung up on the Sponge Bob thing. It's freaked me out, so that's what today's incentive is about. If Sponge Bob got the role, and one the Oscar it would look like? this

. I'm assuming it would anyway. Possibly with more jewelry. Thanks for reading guys!

Oh, one last thing. A couple of weeks ago a reader named Steve Shinney mentioned me in his school paper The Utah Statesman. So I sent him my thanks for spreading the good word. He e-mailed me back and ended up pointing me at this other feature in the paper called the Preemptive Critic where he and his friends do little write ups about movies before watching them. Normally I would say that judging a movie before seeing it is the wrong way to go, but these are pretty funny so I support it whole heartedly. Thanks again for the mention Steve!

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Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V

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Kevin Gleason
@retail_rage
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24 Mar 2017