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Discuss this week's Joe Loves Crappy Movies here!

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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.


Released: 12/09/05

Viewed: 2:40pm 12/14/05

Starring: Kayvan Novak, George Clooney, Christopher Plummer, Jeffrey Wright, Matt Damon, Amanda Peet

Directed by: Stephen Gaghan

Warner Brothers - Official Site of the movie

Syriana is an interesting and unique movie. Because of this I'm sort of at a loss in describing it with any kind of accuracy. I feel like anything I might say about it won't do justice to the finished work. Because it really is an amazing movie. But why?

It's a complicated story about whose really controlling the oil in our world. We get a peek at each aspect of the system as many different folks do whatever is in their power to gain control. We also get the story of those trying to fight the people trying too aggressively and illegally to gain control. In that, the movie becomes a tale of right and wrong, good and evil.

How far would you go to make sure the right thing is done, and how far will others go to stop you? How important is what's right to you? Is it worth your job? Is it worth your child's life? These questions raised throughout the movie are as interesting as they are frustrating, but freshmen screenwriter/director Stephen Gaghan ably weaves together half a dozen different tales about the same thing. All with themes of morality, trust, secret agenda's and paranoia.

The prize is in the performances. George Clooney is fantastic, but I can't help thinking he's the stand out because he's the star. He's a complete bad ass, and when he shakes down Christopher Plummer you believe he will follow through if provoked. But it's still Clooney. I thought Jeffery Wright's storyline with his dependant father, and inside upper management conspiracy, was wonderfully done. It didn't have the car explosions and the torture scenes to keep you on the edge of your seat, but the meat of a story of this magnitude is rarely presented in such an entertaining way.

Admittedly I was surprised at how little the US government was involved in the oil conspiracy. Not directly anyway, but I half expected this movie to be a liberal attack on Bush and his handling of the situation in the Middle East. Instead they take the highroad and really show the unaware (I'm including myself in that group) how deep situations like this really go.

I found the ending truthful but frustrating. Without giving anything away, it was an eye opener as to what can be accomplished by the average man when dealing with something that affects the global economy. A negative eye opener. Still, that often makes for the more interesting story.

I'm giving it 6.5 out of 10 because I feel like it's entertaining, smart, timely, and important. But for all it brings to the table, including those spellbinding performances, it's a lot to digest. A lot of people would say Syriana is talking down to them, or that the politics of the world don't belong in the theater. Of course strip away the subject and what you have is a battle for power, and a desperate grasp to hang onto what's best. It's a story like any other. It just takes place over our heads. .

DVD worthy?: To get this on DVD would be interesting in terms of behind the scenes footage. I'm curious how it was all put together. But as a thriller and a drama, as a movie to watch on a lazy afternoon, it's too much. Great as a conversation starter, and an incredible piece of film work but it's too dense to rewatch casually.

If you liked this movie check out: Traffic

Traffic was written by Gaghan, so it's naturally going to have some similar qualities. It has multiple stories twirling around each other that never feel connected, but somehow come together to create a deep complete story. In that aspect Gaghan really knows what he's doing. He knows how to keep track of those loose ends.

Where Traffic wins out is in quality of entertainment. Syriana was really good, but it never digs its hooks into you the way Traffic does. I never felt anything close to the same connection. With Traffic I was being told an emotional story. With Syriana, it felt like I was getting the facts dictated out to me. It was more of a lesson than an experience.

Trailer Hitch: Firewall

Firewall looks like a real treat. I've been waiting for Harrison Ford to come back and do some of his old school action/dramas. From the trailer it seems that he's an inside man in a bank that is forced to help some baddies rob the place for tens of millions. After they capture his family he helps them, but then goes all Air Force One on them when they don't keep their end of the bargain.

Not only is it Ford's chance to reclaim his badass throne, but with Paul Bettany as his advisory and Virginia Madsen as his kidnapped wife, this could shape up to be one of his modern classics.

The news of Ocean's Thirteen is terrifyingly true. I'm sure Clooney didn't put up a fight because his production company is behind it, but after the disaster that was Ocean's 12, let's hope they're going to up the anti. I loved Ocean's Eleven but was completely deflated by the sequel that got rid of anything that made the original special. But I'm keeping my hopes up for 13. I love the cast; I just want them all to give me a reason again.

Today's vote will get you a picture of who I think should be the 13th member of Ocean's crew. It would definitely rock.

Before I leave you tonight I want to thank you for all the support with voting, and the downloading you've done for advanced comics over at the Ipod preview site Clickwheel. The support is greatly appreciated.

Lastly I'd like to point you towards a good friend Ross whose just gotten his comic Not Quite Wrong back in full swing. Ross and I met last year in Baltimore where I gave him a bad free pass to see Serenity. I sware, I thought it was good! Anyway, NQW is some good reading, and Ross is a good man so check it out.

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V

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