Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
XXX: State of the Union
Release date: 4/29/05
Viewed on: 4/29/05
Starring: Ice Cube, Samuel L. Jackson, Willem Dafoe, Scott Speedman
Directed by: Lee Tamahori
I admit it. I loved the first XXX. I'll understand if you
stop reading now. For those of you still with me, I have my reasons.
It's a no holds barred relentless action-fest. It doesn't stop or
let up. It's just one great action sequence after another. And
they're all different. in theme, location and concept each scene has
it's own identity. Combine that with fine woman and Sam the Man
Jackson and that's one damn fine movie.
So a new XXX is announced (GLEEE) Vid Diesels out. (Why to
make the Pacifier?) I was bummed, and my bummingness was not
corrected when Ice Cube was cast as the new XXX. don't get me
wrong. I love cube. I love him like family. Like a scary uncle
that never smiles. But I was a big Diesel fan at the time. (Thanks
for A Man Apart and The Pacifier, Vin! I can now move
on) All was well when the trailer came out. All looked well and as
if XXX State of the Union would be a winner.
I think it could have been if it had followed the same rules the
original had. Great action, hot chicks, and Sam Jackson. 1 out of
three ain't bad. Oh I'm being to hard on it. There is some decent
action in this movie. Most of it involving tanks. Which in and of
itself is very ammusing. And the final action sequence was stunning.
If the rest of the action had been half as good then this movie would
be scoring an 8 based on coolness alone.
Ice cube's fighting style is actually pretty good. In a fight early
on with some guards he really let's loose. He's quick, and smooth. He
moves like Damon in the Bourne Identity which when I first saw
instantly reminded me of the way Batman should move (sorry, the comic
nerd is coming out.) My friend who I saw XXX:SotU with said
Cube's style was an actual form of Martial arts, but I have no idea
what. I'm going to call it Awesome-kata.
There's a lot of dead time in between the action where nothing
happens. Don't get me wrong, I love plot. Love it like the summer
time. I'm all about it. But when it involves Xzibit owning a chop
shop and pimping out rides... well, if i was at home I would change
the channel. They seem to think that crappy one liners will fill the
void. The first XXX was also ridiculously heavy on one
liners, but at least they had the goods to back it up.
Also, where are the hot chicks. There's a sexy blonde that's in the
movie for like 20 seconds, and this one woman that I'm still not sure
was actually a woman. Could have been a dude with perfect boobs.
Stranger things have happen. But this movie was sorely missing the
random hottie freaking a bed post? (That actually is from the first
movie. completely random, and completely hysterical.)
Sam is in it, but honestly, it's too little too late. And in a role
that's insulting to Willem Dafoe and you've really pissed me off. If
you cast Dafoe as your villain - USE HIM! the actual plot of this
movie revolved around him, but since they paid no attention to the
plot he was barely there. BOOOOO!
Plus side is that Ice cube makes a fine leading action stud. He's
believable and fun to watch. He doesn't have the presence on screen
that Vin has though.
4.5 out of 10That final action sequence is pretty bad ass, but
with the quick turn around time on DVD's these days I'm sure you'll
be able to see it before July.
DVD Worthy I wish. I really do. But no way. Here's hoping
XXX 3 will be the bomb. What will they even call that? X3 - taken. X
Cubed? Oh how perfect would that have been for Ice Cube!? Actually if
they play it right it will be XXX: and it's own title. Like they
never call it James Bond 34. Gives the movie it's own identity,
which is perfect because it'll make State of the Union easier
to forget.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
