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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Quantum of Solace

Starring: Daniel Craig, Olga Kurylenko, Mathieu Amalric, Judi Dench, Giancarlo Giannini, Gemma Arterton, Jeffrey Wright, Jesper Christensen

Directed by: Marc Forster

Sony Pictures

The Official Site of Quantum of Solace

Discuss Quantum of Solace on the boards!

It’s nice to live in a world where James Bond is cool again. It amazes me that a movie about a super spy who cares more about his name brand watch than he does the cleverly named, exotic floozy he seduced last night, is able to make 70 million dollars in its opening weekend. Of course Quantum of Solace is no ordinary Bond movie. With 2006’s Casino Roayle we saw the first signs of the evolution of the character. Gone were the gadgets and overabundance of snappy one-liners, replaced instead with a grittier version of the British spy’s early years where we got a chance to see the notorious womanizer fall in love. Even better - her name (Vesper) was totally normal. Sort of. Comparatively so when you consider 7 years early Bond was courting Christmas Jones. DOCTOR Christmas Jones.

The evolution of James Bond challenged its audience with many complaints popping up during the film’s production, the biggest of which seemed to be the casting of Daniel Craig in the title role. I wonder how many pages on the Internet were devoted to Craig’s crooked nose or blond hair. Thankfully, as soon as Royale was released, the mobs were silenced by the tightly filmed adventure that gave us everything we didn’t know we were missing from the franchise. The evolution was a success and Bond was back on top.

This latest film, the ridiculously titled Quantum of Solace, is a direct sequel to Casino Roayle (a first in the franchises history) and offers Bond purists a whole new set of challenges to overcome. Hair color and lack of exploding pens pale in comparison to a sulking hero set on avenging his lost love. In the good old days when James Bond lost someone he cared about he’d slaughter a couple dozen henchmen, drink a martini and bang the closest thing in a skirt. These days we get a whole film dedicated to him getting over the girl.

It’s all part of the evolution though and, as with Royale, while fans might not expect it I think once they see things within the context of the bigger picture it’ll be easy to embrace. It helps that Craig is fantastic in the role. He still carries that same rough exterior and raw appeal that made the match such a good one in the first place. Any vulnerability he offered in Royale is now frosted over by the cool exterior of a man on a mission, but Craig still manages to walk the walk without looking like a punk.

What I enjoyed the most though with the character is where they’ve taken the relationship between Bond and M (Judi Dench). I think this is some of the best banter we’ve ever seen between the two characters who’ve developed a fabulous mother/son relationship in this latest incarnation.

Helping Bond blow up the balloons for his pity party is Camille (played by the lovely Olga Kurylenko) a mirror image of the depressed action hero with a fist full of rage and a heart full of revenge all her own. The two find a connection over their common troubles and Bond ultimately learns to deal with his lost love by helping her avenge hers.

The evildoer standing in Camille’s way, super real estate investor Dominic Greene, happens to be a low level mover and shaker in the mysterious company tied to the death of Vesper. Greene’s plans to monopolize and exploit the natural resources of struggling countries is the focus of this adventure but it quickly becomes clear that this baddie and his third-rate, third world terrorism are small potatoes compared to what the secret organization is really up to. The franchise is setting up a bigger, grander force of evil, which helps with the whole “evolution” business but really only hurts them by making Quantum’s little adventure feel insignificant by comparison.

The story is easy enough to follow, which was kind of disappointing considering how layered and interesting Casino Royale had established the series could be, but there’s no sense in complaining about a movie that makes sense. That’s like complaining the girls were too hot or the explosions too big. So I’ll withdraw my complaint that I understood the film and focus my frustrations on how bad it looked.

A lot has been made about the comparison between the Bond and the Bourne films. I can see it, I’m not blind, both films have embraced this sort of real world spy adventures that span the globe and push the action to its limits. When asked in an interview I caught on TV, Craig, obviously annoyed at having to explain the distinction of the franchise for the four zillionth time, points out that Bond is all about style. A certain way of dress, a certain level of quality that has always been top-of-the-line over the years. He’s got a point. Bond’s been destroying Aston Martins and BMWs for decades while Bourne seems perfectly content in T-boning whatever hatchback VW or Jeep looks the most inconspicuous. In Quantum Bond upgrades a hotel reservation from a hole in the wall to a suite where the bathroom was nicer than my entire apartment. I could have seen Bourne being very comfortable in the dumpster outside the hole in the wall.

Quantum lives up to this specific precedent. The production value is there and it pays off. But when it comes time to blow stuff up the film loses its perspective. Of all the things to lift from the Bourne franchise, they decide to take the shaky camera. Everything from the car chase that opens the film to the foot chase across the rooftops that launches Bond back into the field is shot and staged terribly. Not only will you have trouble seeing what’s going on but also figuring out who’s where at any given time and how objects got from point A to point B. “Where'd that plane go? Who's on screen now? Where'd that anchor come from? Why is the boss screaming like a woman?” Needless to say, prepare to do some head scratching.

Say what you want about the ridiculous invisible car, ice fortress or diamond-faced baddie in the last pre-Craig Bond film Die Another Day, at least you could tell what was going on when Bond punched some dude. And as simple as that may sound, I think a little clarity would’ve saved Quantum of Solace. Bond is sad. I get that and can accept it. I get that Quantum is a bridge from the lowest of lows to the inevitable glory days of the character, and I can accept that a watered-down story here would benefit the franchise in the long run. But if the evolution of the character means we can’t get a clear shot of him crashing a plan or flipping a boat… it’s not an even trade. Bring back the innuendo, bring back the one-liners, bring back the watches that fire titanium rods because if a shaky camera is the future of the franchise… I’ll stick with Bourne. At least when he forces a cop car to bounce off the railing of a 6th avenue median the physics of it makes sense.

Rating: 7 out of 10 - I’m being to hard on the film because, as disappointed as I was with the action in this installment, I still love the character and his adventures. Or at least the possibilities of the kind of adventures he could have. I guess that’s sort of what it comes down to. Will they be able to rebound from this? Will they be able to create something as complex and visually stunning as what was established with Royale? Quantum was a spectacular success and part of me is worrying that they’ll think that this is what we want. That this is good enough. Don’t get me wrong - It’s fine. It’s by no means a terrible film, but I don’t want them to settle on something mediocre by comparison because I want the series to get better every time out. And Quantum is not better.

In the end I support the evolution because no matter what I rambled about in the last paragraph of the review, a realistic, grounded Bond is a better Bond. I just wish I could get a better look at him while he’s fighting.

Sure, why not? It’s not as easy a commitment to make as the one I made to buy Casino Royale on DVD, but I see no reason why Quantum of Solace won’t be more fun in the comfort of my own home.

Star Trek - Ever since bootleg versions of this trailer hit the Internet last Friday, the popular topic of conversation seems to be questioning why the Starship Enterprise isn’t being built in space. I don’t really have a problem with that. I mean, it makes sense and all to assemble a starcraft in the stars, but why freak out about it? Especially when there are plenty of legitimate reasons not to like this trailer.

I was careful to say “trailer” and not “movie” because with this whiz-bang collage of fights on the bridge, explosions in space and Uhura taking her shirt off there’s nothing here to really suggest that the movie is good or bad. Nothing that I can see anyway. I just don’t think that it’s a very effective teaser and if anything it’s gotten me less excited about the project. If anything it’s taken some surprises away from me instead of presenting them properly. I’m anxiously awaiting a chance to judge a full trailer or, even better, the movie.

I don’t LOVE this joke but I really wanted to get the Quantum of Solace review up and the original idea for the strip was too complicated to crank out. And I’m not sure that I loved that joke either. Not that I hate this joke, partially because it happened in real life and actually made me giggle.

I went to see Quantum with a group of guys. Ersal, (The guy in panel one) actually said that line though I’m not sure who set him up for the punch line in pane two. It could have been Phil or Bizarro Joe there (pictured in the strip), but I’m not sure. I didn’t say it, that’s all I know.

So, while I don’t love the strip, I’m not ashamed of it. At the very least it brings that real world moment to life and hopefully inspires my friends to bring their A-material when they go out to the movies with me in hopes that they’ll make it into the strip again. I spend my days trying to figure out ways to make Madagascar 2 funny. I can use all the help I can get.

We had a good show last night on the Triple Feature where we jammed in some satisfying conversations about Quantum of Solace, JCVD, Slumdog Millionare and Synecdoche, New York (expect a comic and review for that in the next couple days.) I think the show has had its ups and downs but we’ve hit a good stride lately.

With the guys in mind, a special congratulations to both Tom and Gordon for crossing some major milestones in the last week. Webcomicing (is that a word? If not it should be) can be an odd lonely task to force on oneself. These milestones are little reminders of the progress we’ve made and I think it’s amazing how far these two have come. Congrats, guys!

Thanks so much for reading. I’m hoping to get another strip up tonight so swing on by later or in the morning if you get a chance.

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Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V