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Discuss this week's Joe Loves Crappy Movies here!

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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Bolt

Starring: John Travolta, Miley Cyrus, Susie Essman, Mark Walton, Malcolm McDowell, James Lipton, Greg Germann, Diedrich Bader, Nick Swardson

Directed by: Byron Howard, Chris Williams

Disney Pictures

The Official Site of Bolt

Discuss Bolt on the boards!

I’d read and heard a fair amount of positive praise for Bolt, the latest Disney animated film about a delusional TV star dog who thinks he has super powers and is forced to rediscover himself upon mistakenly leaving the comfort of his big budget home, and sort of went in expecting it to be on par with the animation giants released at the beginning of the summer (I’m speaking of course about the bot and the bear). For me Bolt is a lesson in expectations and another warning to not always believe the hype. Especially if you’re not the target audience.

That should be the gigantoid disclaimer to be posted in big bright colors on the front of this review. I am not a child, I am not a dog owner, I hate talking animal movies… I do enjoy a flashy superpower but as far as “super bark” is concerned, it’s only slightly more impressive than being bilingual. Something I am not, so – good for you, TV dog!

Still, we live in an age where a precedent has been set that “kids movies” can, and usually are, as entertaining for the target audience as they are for the adults being dragged along. For a movie that looked to be like The Truman Show meets the Incredibles I’m surprised at how plain and watered down the whole things comes off.

It’s not that the movie is bad. The story is pretty clever, the message is sweet and the voice talent is less intrusive than the Travolta/Cyrus haters around the web would have you believe (It took some getting used to but Travolta’s smooth bravado was a good fit for the confident but confused pup), but it all feels underdone. Played safe and for what? For the kids?

On this week's Triple Feature Gordon brought up one heart-wrenching scene in which we learn the true origins of Bolt's "street tough” alley cat Mittens. I commented how that scene felt underdone and that, had they played it out as well as Toy Story 2 did with the long lost doll, it would've had the same kind of emotional and long lasting impact. He said that he was a cat owner and that maybe that was the reason it maid such a powerful connection with him.

My cats and I were slightly offended.

It's not that I didn't understand Mitten's sad story but I just don't think they really enforced it as much as they should or could have. Even more, should you have to be a cat owner to understand her troubles? Or a Dog owner to understand Bolt’s? What kind of movie is that? What kind of movie is accessible only to pet owners?

The watered down flood touches every aspect of the film from the storytelling to the comedy. The only element that escapes is the action. While there wasn’t quite enough of it, what we got to see (especially from behind a set of 3-D glasses) was impressive. Inventive and fun, all done in a very grand way that made you see why the dog fell for the charade in the first place.

I’m not falling for Bolt though. And why should I? I’m not the target audience.

Rating: 5 out of 10 - Every adult I spoke with (see, I don’t even mingle with the target audience) about Bolt had the same thing to say. “I wanna go see it for that hamster.” And I was right there with them. There was something utterly enchanting about that over-charged, enthusiastic ball of fur hungry for adventure (voiced by artist Mark Walton who laid down a vocal track as a place holder and was so good he got the gig.) Rhino the hamster, aka Bolt super fan, was definitely entertaining. All of the sudden here’s this character that’s even MORE delusional than the dog that things he can shoot laser beams out of his eyes. He brought a new level of energy to the film that worked well in doses.

Not barely as well as everyone I talked to could have been hoping though. His most viciously hilarious moments are plaster all over the previews and before long he begins to feel like nothing but the tag along third wheel he is.

I’ve been a little too hard on the movie in the review. Kids should absolutely adore it and it is a pretty sharp looking movie that handles a few things well. Bolt learning how to be a normal dog is kind of a touching journey, even if it is a cat that’s him through it. How does that make sense to anyone?

Not for me but kids seem to really love this film so if you have a little one crawling the walls, this might be just the thing to calm them down. Chances are though it’ll make them start bugging you none stop for a dog of their own which they will inevitably name “Bolt” and shave clever designs into the side of. Good luck explaining that to the ASPCA.

I’ve written an unnecessarily uncomplimentary review and comic for a movie that doesn’t quite deserve it. At the same time it doesn’t deserve the praise either. Still, I feel bad about taking cheap shots like this, about riding the Miley Cyrus bandwagon of hate. You’ve got to go where the funny is though right? I suppose this comic is more about the surprise that a film would and do better in its second week then in its first. That’s almost unheard of in an industry that’s built on opening weekends and DVD sales. Films like Twilight and Quantum of Solace do huge opening weekend business and then take huge dips It’s rare that a movie can actually hang around the top 5 long enough to make a real difference. You know, unless there are bats and jokers in it.

Hey, want a quick art lesson from someone that actually knows what they’re doing (not me)? Head on over to Rob and Elliot and click back through the last few weeks worth of strips. Clay’s experimenting with his style and I think he’s hitting on some remarkable things. Even in a short period of time you can see huge leaps in different directions and while all of them have not been as successful as others it’s fascinating to see an artist say, “You know what? Let’s shake it up.” and then sift through his style to find something beautiful. Keep up the good work over there guys!

A quick word of congratulations to Fun in Jammies where Emily has reached 100 pages and begun her second volume. This is one of my favorite finds of the year and I encourage you to spend some time digging through the back-story.

Thanks for reading guys. Back tomorrow with… well, I’m not really sure yet.

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Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V