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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

The Longest Yard

Released: 5/27/05

Viewed: 6:00pm 4/05/05

Starring: Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Burt Reynolds

Directed by: Peter Segal

I was lucky enough to get a sneak peek at the new Adam Sandler/Chris Rock comedy The Longest Yard. Yard is a remake of the Burt Reynolds classic of the same name from 1974. Reynolds even has a substantial part in the updated remake, as a wise old former football coach.

The Longest Yard isn't a sports classic. It doesn't tug at the heart strings and inspire you the way Rocky, or Hooshers, or Rocky III do. But I'm sure if you ask anyone who made this movie, anyone who saw this movie, or anyone planning to see this movie, they'd tell you that heart wasn't they're number one concern. This is a rough and tumble sports comedy. Great laughs, great football. The end.

Not to say that it's without some good tension. Sandler's scene with James Cromwell during halftime of the big game is very tense. it heightens the game entirely and really gets you into it.

That seems to be this movies major conflict. Where it really falters is in tone. It's constantly walking the line between full blown out Sandler-esque sports comedy, and a more serious sports film about over coming the odds. It can be both - sure. But The Longest Yard can't make up it's mind. It hold back. There will often be opportunity for a GREAT joke (Tracy Morgan as the leader of the inmate "ladies") that you'll sit back and wonder - "What is Sandler's crazy mind going to do with this?" And it ends up going nowhere.

It's ok, the movie is filled with huge laughs and a great football game, but it was always in the back of mind that they were holding back.

There's one moment in this film that pushes the drama WAY too far. I won't go into details except to say that it's meant to get you more involved in the finale game. But it comes out of nowhere and ultimately it took me out of the movie. Like - How could they do that? How did this sound like a good idea in this sort of movie. Make up your mind on what kind of story you're telling.

What's it missing? Women for one thing. Courtney Cox and her huge recently pregnant engorged boobs are the only women in the movie. That makes sense considering 95% of the film takes place at a Male correctional facility, but still... women are cool.

There's also a lack of representation on the down side of prison life. According to The Longest Yard prison is a wonderful land where, as long as you don't mess with the guards, you can come as you go as you please. No rules, no responsibility, no gang rapes in the shower. In fact, if this movie is an indication, there are no showers in prison. Now this isn't entirely true, there's a pretty good scene where Nelly gets harassed by some guards for no reason. And he is working at the time. but for the majority of the movie - Free play in the yard!

This is a decent movie. Not the strongest jokes in the world but enough for me to recommend seeing it. And the football game at the end is a fantastic finale.

7 out of 10 Points lost mostly for the big plot shift I mentioned. It was shockingly out of character.

DVD worthy?: Maybe. It depends heavily on the extras.

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V