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Discuss this week's Joe Loves Crappy Movies here!

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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Snakes on a Plane

Released: 08/18/06

Viewed: 10:00pm 08/17/06

Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Julianna Magulies, Nathan Phillips, Rachel Blanchard, Flex Alexander, Kenan Thompson, David Koechner

Directed by: David R. Ellis

New Line Cinema Official Site of the movie

There are two kinds of movie fans when it comes to Snakes on a Plane. Those that assume they’re suppose to think it’s the best movie ever because the internet told them so, and those that got tired of waiting for the movie to come out so they could blindly think it’s the best movie ever because the internet told them so. I’m somewhere in the middle. I got tired the big hype that’d been building heavily for the past 6 months, seducing the world into a coma of acceptance. But at the end of the day, it’s still “Sam Jackson fighting snakes on a plane”. And there are about 8 things right with that sentence. And there are only 7 words in it.

Snakes on a Plane. It’s too wild to pass up. And I think that’s why people fell so hard for the grass roots campaign surrounding the movie. Everyone loves Sam and the dullard in all of us will always fall a bizarre concept. It doesn’t always mean it’s going to be good and I think that’s what most film elitists are afraid of. Will this movie be accepted for no other reason then its title and star?

The movie will be big, no question, but will it actually be entertaining? Will it be scary or funny? Will it even be watchable? And will people care if it is or isn’t, or is a name and a CGI viper worth 10 bucks these days? I’d like to think people are sophisticated enough to decide for themselves as poor reviews contradict the blinding hype, but even if they don’t, there have been worse names in worse concepts to waste money on.

For those tired of waiting for the damn thing to come out– it’s true - they let it slip away from them. If the movie had come out a month earlier it would have premiered during the apex of its hype and really taken advantage of the wide interest. Plus it would have given Dead Man’s Chest a real run for its money. Snakes vs. Pirates, are you kidding me!? Throw in some ninjas and we’ve got ourselves a real party!

For me, the hype paid off and was worth the wait. Snakes on a Plane is a quick, hysterically funny, modern disaster movie that, on the surface, seems like Hollywood desperately scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas. If anything, Snakes is a lesson that there are a few good ideas still slithering around down there. Now of course Snakes on a Plane isn’t significantly important or meaningful in any way. It won’t change your life, it won’t even make you afraid of snakes, but for what it is, it’s a great night at the movies.

Jackson stars as Nelville Flynn a FBI agent in charge of transporting Sean Jones ( Nathan Phillips ), a Red Bull swilling surfer in protective custody, from Hawaii to Los Angeles. Apparently, the only way to make sure he ends up face down in a can of Red Bull is to release hundreds of poisonous snakes on his plane. Ridiculous? Sure, a little, but they do a nice job explaining things like how the snakes got on, how they got loose, and why they’re so pissed. It’s like they’re all hopped up on some delicious Red Bull! (The product placement is a little out of control in this movie. This obvious fact brought to you by Red Bull.) It’s silly B-movie fun but they could have half-assed it and they didn’t. It’s still tongue in cheek but I appreciate them taking the time to flesh out the story a little.

There’s a good ensemble cast with a few strong standouts that made the best of the “cheesy” dialogue and really had some fun. The two leads Jackson and Julianna Magulies (ER, Ghost Ship) do a great job of keeping things exciting and moving at a quick pace. Jackson, ever the bad ass, screams every curse word you can think of while killing snakes in every possible way you can think of. He’s completely cold blooded except for one moment where he weeps over one of the snakebite victims. It’s intended to ground the movie and bring some depth to it all, but for me it totally backfired. I say for this roll, in this movie – no weakness! Ok, seriously, it was an interesting choice but I’m not sure it works. Really though, it’s over before you have time to feel terribly awkward..

My favorite of the supporting cast was sexist “less smooth than he thinks he is” co-pilot Rick, played by David Koechner (Thank you for Smoking Champ from Anchorman). He kills it every time he’s on screen and brings a lot of natural humor when it’s needed the most. I would go see a whole movie about him tomorrow. But that doesn’t really mean much because I’m actually going to see Material Girls tomorrow. I guess I would willingly and gladly see a movie about that character tomorrow. Yep, that’s better.

If one thing had me disappointed it’s that the film is not really that scary. The snakes jump around and there’s plenty of loud noises and hissing to keep you awake, but I was never hiding my eyes or shocked into a flinch. The snakes were really more exciting then anything else. They go absolutely crazy!

I can imagine the writers sitting in a room just trying to think of the worst/funny things a snake could possibly do to a human being. Go ahead; try to come up with a few. They all make the cut, and they don’t waste anytime using the most shocking ones. It’s really a lot of fun and it brought the audience back into the film after the lengthy (but necessary) introductions.

But I’m not complaining at all about the introductions. There are about 20 people in this movie you have to understand and get to know. It takes a while to hit all those plot points but it’s worth it for the pay off when they help rescue the child, or come up with the big plan to save the day, or, you know, get bit in the face by a legless alligator. My God that thing was huge!

Even though I wasn’t trembling in fear from start to finish I was definitely feeling the restless tension that the film builds up. They’d start tackling a problem and I’d almost jump out of my seat and say, “Wait, you haven’t solved this other problem yet!” It escalates really effectively in my mind. I feel like I was really into what was going on.

The snakes were a combination of CGI and actual snakes (possibly even some puppetry by the looks of it), and for the most part it looked great. There are many places where it’s obviously fake. Snakes just don’t lash out at cameras for no reason and I’m thinking intentionally pissing off a snake so he’ll hiss at a baby is going to bad for everyone involved. But once things get rolling it doesn’t really matter that they look slightly off. More realistic snakes may have been more frightening but to me the movie became more than just a shock, for the sake of shock, horror film.

It also became more of a complete film then I expected from the hype that made me want to see it originally. It’s not just a star and a title, there’s actually something there. It’s not genius or innovative, but it’s certainly a lot of fun. That’s not to say a couple of beers and the right crowd wouldn’t have helped the process along, but sober and alone or plastered with your mates, Snakes on a Plane is one of the more effective movies of the summer. Now get off the fence, get over your phobias, get yourself a Red Bull and hit the multiplex! Rating: 9 out of 10

I’m really impressed that it didn’t suck. The potential for it to suck ass was as good as its potential to kick ass. Maybe even more. There’s a lot of expectation with this movie and that leaves a lot of room for upset. I think they downplayed it for months and it paid off.

The product placement and cross promotion of the film has some bad moments though. The closing credits of the film not only feature the song from the soundtrack’s first big push, but also the video. And it’s not exactly awesome. The band come off like the alt-rock Black Eyed Peas as they trade of lead vocals and freak out everyone in the theater. The saving grace of the video is an appearance by Sam himself. But it’s not just that. They have him reading a copy of the latest 100 Bullets trades! Excuse me while I geek out comic book style for a second, but that is freakin’ awesome!

DVD Worthy?:

Hell yes, muthafucker! There’s great replay potential on this thing. I hope the hype lasts long enough for them to put a nice set together. I just watched this preview where they had like 5 minutes about the snakes. That was a little dry, but a nice featurette on the Internet buzz and how it affected the finished product… that I could watch.

Trailer Hitch: Black Snake Moan

Holy cow the preview for this movie is absolutely insane. Briefly – Jackson looks old and haggard as he walks down the road and comes upon the body of a thin young white girl played by Christina Ricci who looks hot, but thin, and sort of too young. Jackson’s character learns about the promiscuity of the young lady and decides to chain her to his house until he can “save her from her heathen ways.”

It sounds as funny as it is risqué and I would expect nothing less from Craig Brewer in his follow up to last years stunningly awesome Hustle and Flow. Should be a real crazy night at the movies.

If You liked this movie check out: Not sure…

I’m not sure what to recommend. The most interesting qualities of Snakes is it’s bizarre concept and the fact that they’re confined to a set area. I love a situation like that because you get to know the set and it becomes a major player in what actually happens. It’s more intimate. That happens enough in movies like Fear or Clue but how often are Snakes involved? Any suggestions?

Non Movie Related News

Snakes on a Plane is so powerful that it actually inspired next months 10 on the 10th. Make sure you cast a vote for your favorite appearance of a Snake in the movies.

I don’t usually talk about the web sites in depth, but the SoaP site is pretty well set up. My favorite feature is this interactive audio of Sam urging you to see Snakes on A Plane. What makes it more than a voice in a box is that you can personalize it from you for your friends. They event went as far as to include a few dozen names, careers, activities, and physical features to help round out the message. The audio clip could then be sent to the person of your choosing via e-mail or phone.

It’s not perfect, but anything that can get Sam Jackson in your inbox or on your answering machine isn’t all bad. Plus I get a kick out of the idea of Sam sitting in a dark room reading out names. “Joe, Steve, Paul, Gaylord.” Here are a couple that I made just for fun. I tried to personalize them from me to the readers but the software wasn’t ready for anything like that. Play around with it a little, you’ll see.

That’s it for now. Later.

Live Journal/Myspace/Rotten Tomatoes/Buzz Comix/Top Web Comics/Comics on the Ipod/The Webcomics List/Online Comics/Wikipedia/Comixpedia/JLCM Map!

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V

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