Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Viewed: 11:35 am 12/01/06
Starring: Josh Duhamel, Melissa George, Olivia Wilde, Desmond Askew, Beau Garrett, Max Brown
Directed by: John Stockwell
A lonely horror movie fights its way through the Oscar bids and holiday fluff to try and target an audience of bloody gorefests fans that are patiently waiting for the wasteland of January that usually brings their bread and butter. It’s a nice idea to try and slide a horror movie in at the beginning of December to bank in on an audience that is largely overlooked this time of the year. It’s an even better idea to give it an exotic title that will confuse the older crowds that are upset Casino Royale is sold out again. A strategy I didn’t think would work until I showed up at the first showing of the day to find what looked to be a bridge club and a knitting circle anxiously waiting for the Reagle: First Look to end. Were they confused or conned into seeing this horro movie? Do they themselves need kidneys and are just researching alternative methods of getting them? For all I know they could just be all about Josh Duhamel’s abs. Either way, God bless them, because they’re in for a surprise.
Not too much of a surprise actually, as Turistas aims high but falls far short of being a great horror movie in December or any month of the year. Sure there are plenty of good-looking people swimming around, being promiscuous (a standard in any good slasher film) and the premise itself is definitely disturbing. A group of travelers from all over the world find themselves in a hidden paradise on the shores of Brazil. After a wild night they wake to find their money, luggage and passports all missing. A group of well-organized locals bait the trap and before you know it, Brazil has a fresh crop of organs at their disposal. Creepy as hell, that’s for sure, but what follows is fluff and tame compared to today’s standards of shock and gore.
The movie is paced well and doesn’t waste too much time getting to the tension, but car crashes and language barriers aren’t the plot devices drawing in the audience here. This movie is all about the harvesting scene. It’s what everyone is waiting for. It has expectation and anticipation swirling all around it so if the filmmakers get one thing right, it would have to be that scene. Regrettably, It didn’t really do it for me.
Two captives are strapped down, and one is forced to watch the other get harvested. During the process the doctor explains his actions as retribution for all the organs that rich Americans have taken from the Brazilian people over the years. Like a Bond villain with good intentions his speech reveals his plans and motive completely. Important information, but a little distracting during the scene we’ve all been waiting for.
The initial cuts into the tourist’s chest are uneasy, but that’s still part of the anticipation. People get cut all the time, the scares in this movie are going to be about how much insides they’re willing to show. Once the skin is peeled back it was more interesting than scary. “Oh, that’s what that looks like? Neato.” The harvesting requires the doctor to be precise and his calm demeanor sucks the tension out of the room. It becomes less about the fact that he’s killing people and more about the fact that he’s saving other people.
Really, the most terrifying thing about that scene is just the fact that the victim is awake throughout the process. Perhaps there’s some medical reason to keep the organs active as long as possible, perhaps the doctor just likes an audience while he works, but God forbid this ever happens to me – I’d want to be dead. Help yourself, just as long as I never see what my spleen looks like.
What I would like to see more of is the underwater film work done in this movie. Between Turistas, Into the Blue and Blue Crush, director John Stockwell is quickly building a name for himself as the go to guy when things go below the surface. Unfortunately his work underwater is more fun to watch than that above. The guy really knows how to shoot good-looking people that can swim. Still, there was one chase sequence underwater that went on way too long and was poorly defined. I couldn’t tell who was where or who was doing what. It looked cool but was a little aimless. It’s so much easier when your villain is a giant shark.
Turistas has good intentions as a horror movie, but never quite gets where it needs to in order to be considered a classic. The gore is dialed down, the villain means well and is charming and likeable in his way, and the ending is… well let’s just say it’s not much of a surprise. A movie like this could have ended things by casting a blanket of fear that traveling in South America is like signing away your life. Instead it resolves its problems a little too well. There’s no tag to suggest that the worst (or at least a sequel) has yet to come. Perhaps it’s a case where the Brazilian government leaned on the filmmakers the way Kazakhstan did with last months Borat film. Brazil certainly has a larger circle of influence. But it’s a safer bet that they didn’t bother a counter campaign because they knew this movie would tank.
Rating: 4 out of 10 - There’s some nice stuff going on but it doesn’t live up to the horror standard that has been set in recent years. Don’t worry, it’ll be on HBO before you know it.
Nope. It’s just not my kind of movie. For people that are looking for cheap thrills, great underwater filming, sexy girls, or Josh Dumhamel without his shirt on, there is a collection of other movies better suited to fit those needs. However if you’re one of the people that are looking specifically for those things all in one package – Merry Christmas.
Featuring: Hostel - Turistas wants to be Hostel more than Van Wilder 2 wants to be funny, but we can’t always get what we want. From the sexy young tourists to the sexy young locals that trap them, the similarities they share are greater than their differences. But those differences, in my mind, are clearly win/lose.
Turistas wins location. The beautiful beaches and underwater sequences will make you wish that Brazil was a tiny bit closer and a lot less interested in your kidneys. Turistas wins pacing. Hostel finishes in a big bang but takes its sweet time getting to the big and the bang. The first half of the movie has virtually no scares and instead opts to keep you engaged with giant boobs and slutty foreigners. It’s a panty drop away from a porno. Turistas is more economical with its time getting quickly to robbery that begins the con for their organs. And while it does distract you with huge boobs and slutty foreigners, there’s still enough bus crashing and jungle mystery to keep you on your toes.
Hostel wins in scares and gore. A hard one to top what with its bathroom attack and eye cooking. Turistas doesn’t come close to delivering the same amount of fear and uncomfortably, even with its organ-harvesting scene, which lost its shock after they peeled back the skin. Hostel wins premise. People are killed in Turistas for the purpose of helping the forgotten citizens of Brazil. People are killed in Hostel because people are crazy! If this were a drama, the movie with the “message” would win out, but this is a horror movie and the guy that wants to kill me to help other people is a lot less frightening than the guy that wants to kill me because he thinks it’s fun.
Each has its moments, but Hostel is the better movie, though Turistas did a half way decent job of bringing one of the all time best urban legends ever to the big screen. Hostel Part 2 hits theaters early next year, so we’ll have to let Turistas enjoy it’s hold on the “suckered tourist” genre for at least the rest of the month.
Featuring: The Hitcher
- The Hitcher
may be another movie added to the list of big Hollywood horror remakes, but in a sea of unoriginality and shock filmmaking, this update brings a powerful piece to the game. Sean Bean
Any movie featuring Sean Bean is worth 10 bucks in my mind. I don’t care if it is a remake. Hell it could be a remake of Citizen Kane except that now it’s an animated musical with talking animals. It would still be worth it for Bean. I don’t care if the sled is now a righteous snowboard that Kane (now named Biff) needs to find so he can win the big school talent show and impress head cheerleader Tiffany. It would still be worth seeing for Bean. And Bean doesn’t even play Biff, he’s Tiffany! - Still worth seeing.
Thankfully he’s neither a talking animal or a girl in The Hitcher, he a gun wielding madman collecting victims as a hitchhiker on the open road. My only fear for this movie is that I won’t be afraid of Bean’s character, which is obviously essential. I worry that he’ll be too cool and that I’ll want to be like him and that I’ll eventually start rooting for his character to win. Don’t let me down Bean. Dial back that charm!
Big news not just today, but all month long! I’m taking over the comic duties on Zach Miller’s Joe and Monkey. Today is only the second strip of my month, but I promise there’s a fun adventure ahead in this story arc I’m calling “Best Friends”. It’ll be a story about true friendship that I hope will have a real message behind it, while being completely crazy at the same time. Those of you that are familiar with my work on Free Lunch will have some idea of the craziness JaM fans are in store for, but it’s pretty much guaranteed not to go on nearly as long. Stop by every weekday in December to see how much fun a man and his monkey can have.
I also wanted to give a quick shout out to Ali Grahm who has just launched his new strip Afterstrife. After doing Housd for over 1000 strips, Ali decided to start this new strip, focusing less on the gags and more on the story. I’ve seen some of the art on this and it’s absolutely brilliant. I’m hesitant to send you over because he just makes my stuff look like garbage. But go anyway, because he’s a real stand up guy.
Lastly, to anyone interested in listening to a live podcast hosted by Tom Brazelton, head over to this link Monday at 10 pm CST. It’s a pretty cool format where live callers can be accepted. If I can get things working there’s a chance I’ll be calling in to try it out myself.
That’s it for now but I’ll have another strip tomorrow.
Live Journal/Myspace/Rotten Tomatoes/Buzz Comix/Top Web Comics/Comics on the Ipod/The Webcomics List/Online Comics/Wikipedia/Comixpedia/JLCM Map!
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V