Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Viewed: 2:20 pm 12/22/06
Starring: Katie Cassidy, Micehelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert, Oliver Hudson
Directed by: Glen Morgan
2929 Productions - Official Site of the Movie
“Remakes suck!” or “Are we tired of the remakes yet?” is the way I would normally start off a review of a movie like this. Because they do suck and we are tired of them, but Black Christmas, the latest in the long line of the remake/horror genre, has a couple of unique things going for it. I think most notably is that not that many people were really aware of the original. This allowed the filmmakers a lot of freedom in lifting a good idea (sorority house attacked by Yuletide madman) and taking it in their own direction.
Because so few people were really aware of the 1974 original, the only people offended by this versions differences were horror purists. There’s no danger like there was with the Texas Chainsaw remake where the film was obviously a classic and even the slightest deviations would have brought about fan rioting. Black Christmas doesn’t have the same kind of following so there was more room to breathe. I actually didn’t know it was a remake until after I saw the trailer for it. Did you?
So it’s a remake but it doesn’t matter that it is because you never saw the original anyway. Not that it makes it ok, but to make up for being a second-hand retread this updated version of Black Christmas starts off holding nothing back. Blood, death, scares and a really nice set-up are quickly established, and I loved every second of it.
You know how in a horror movie there are moments where you have a character that’s inspecting a dark hallway and there’s something moving but it turns out to be a friend or a gust of wind blowing a curtain? Basically a “non-scare”. Something meant to keep the audience on the edge of their seat, but ultimately something where the horror was all in your head. In the first half hour of Back Christmas, every one of those “teases” is for real. If someone is investigating a strange noise – They’re dead. If there’s a mysterious bump in the ceiling above your head- Boom! Slash! Dead. I’m so used to being teased by PG-13-loud-noise horror, where nothing actually happens, that it was very refreshing to see some real pay off this early on in a film.
They were also doing some really nice things with the story. It seems that the man who killed his family over 20 Christmas’ ago, in this very sorority house, may have an accomplice working with him on the inside. With that, a threat and a mystery are introduced as well as a large cast of characters to act as suspects. Before you know it you’re waist deep in a guessing game trying to figure out which of these buxom young sorority sisters is involved and why. I was actually captivated by the mystery, constantly guessing then changing my mind. It’s a brilliant introduction of a whodunit. It’s what happens next that made me hate Black Christmas so much that I considered converting to Judaism.
It’s a waste of time. The guessing game… it’s pointless. I promise you that no matter how keen your detection skills are, no matter if you’re the love child of Batman and Sherlock Holmes, you will not guess the ending correctly. Really because you shouldn’t have been guessing in the first place. None of the information provided or countless red herrings will have any kind of payoff. I hate to discourage you from guessing because that was the most enjoyable part of the film for me, but no matter how much you enjoy it, the final result can be nothing but a disappointment.
With big surprise endings I love to be proven wrong. If a movie can lay out countless clues and still shock me with the final twist, I will praise them forever, but a movie that gives you countless clues and then doesn’t bother to use them deserves no respect. It deserves to be walked out on. In fact, shut off Black Christmas after an hour and fifteen minutes, and I promise you the wonder of what actually happens and who actually did it, is a million times better than what happens in the film.
I don’t mean to discourage you from participating in the guessing game but there’s a point where the filmmakers decided the best surprise is something that was never hinted at to begin with. So, despite a great opening, remember to keep those hopes low.
As much as the movie doesn’t tease you with uninhibited scares, you should be prepared to leave disappointed with the teasing of another horror staple – sexy girls. The girls are there and they’re plenty sexy but nothing is given up. I don’t know why I expected to see some skin though. The cast is assembled from really beautiful actresses with somewhat established careers. Established enough where they aren’t going to be talked into baring it all for the art of a movie where someone makes Christmas cookies out of his families flesh. But why not get a day player with a great wrack. You can’t tell me that in the whole sorority house there’s not one tramp. There’s a lot of flashed cleavage and one shower scene where a giant ass is on display, but for a horror movie with a hard R, you might as well give the 18-year-old’s what they’re expecting. At least something to make them considering buying it on DVD, because Lacey Chabert’s winning smile and the uneven story is not enough.
A little T and A wouldn’t have saved Black Christmas though. What it comes down to is a fantastic set-up and absolutely no follow through. The horror is there. It’s bloody and twisted and loud and evil and fun, but when they came this close to it, where’s the harm in making it “smart” too?
Rating: 4 out of 10 - Real horror fans will have some fun with this but don’t expect this to be a classic for the ages. I’ll remember this movie for what it could have been and how bad it actually was.
Not a chance. I enjoyed a lot of the set-up and the promise of what could have been, but the ending is nothing but a bloated bag of cheap screams and disappointments. A slap in the face of the hope that some well developed potential might actually pay off. It doesn’t and I choose to be bitter over that.
I can’t imagine any extras that would make Black Christmas worth owning or renting, but far be it from me to dismiss whatever bizarre events inspired the remake of a horror movie where a guy kills people with Christmas ointments. I’d actually willingly sit through a director’s commentary if it promised to pinpoint the exact moment when they threw the script away and replaced plot with dead people.
A movie last year called See No Evil shares a lot of similarities with Black Christmas. The most obvious of those similarities is that the featured baddies are both men that were tortured and shaped into the monsters they are by their mothers. Black Christmas features a few grizzling flashbacks that give you a detailed story on how a good kid can grow up into such a bad dude. See No Evil is the same way and spends just as much time on developing the history of the character as it does showing us the same character bashing skulls into the wall.
I’m not sure how I feel about that in the long run. Sometimes the less you know, the better. The more they tell us the more it feels like they’re trying to justify these people they’ve become. What happen to bad guys that were crazy for the sake of being crazy? I’m actually a little frightened about the release of Hannibal: Rising this weekend, which seems to be trying to explain why his bad instead of just letting him be bad.
See No Evil was the first movie from the WWE production company, and it was flawed but not horrible. If you liked the characterization in Black Christmas, I think you’ll enjoy the serious thriller that a company built on suplexes was able to put together.
Short and sweet today because deadlines have been hell lately and I just can’t catch up. The bad news for you is that there are few comics now, but the good news is that if I can manage it, there’s going to be a lot of content coming your way in the near future. In the meanwhile don’t be shy about checking out my new series Turtle vs. Bunny and the college strip Matriculated. I’m working on those strips with Phil, and they’re both good fun. Between those two and Retail Rage there’s still plenty going on at Digital Pimp. See you soon.
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Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V