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Discuss this week's Joe Loves Crappy Movies here!

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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Saw V

Starring: Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Scott Patterson, Betsy Russell, Julie Benz, Meagan Good

Directed by: David Hackl

Lionsgate Films

The Official Site of Saw V

Discuss Saw Von the boards!

"We were all supposed to die... YOU were supposed to be the hero..." The clumsy reading of an outstandingly retarded line of dialogue spewed from the mouth of Scott Patterson like he’d just graduated from the acting school of Captain Kirk is the defining moment of Saw V. This is the big scene of the film, the moment in which Patterson’s character Agent Strahm has finally put together all the pieces to Jigsaw's ultimate puzzle. But is it soon enough to save his life?

Like the rest of the movie the line has no substance and couldn’t have been helped much even if it were delivered well. Which it isn’t. It does however pretty much sum up Saw V’s major theme though. (To avoid spoilers let’s refer to the key players as “Good Cop” “Bad Cop” from here on out.) Bad cop masquerading as the Jigsaw killer tries to cover his tracks by unfairly wiping out warehouse full of people as Good Cop puts the pieces together of the entire Saw franchise to discover which corrupt figure waits at the end. It’s a vicious game of cat and mouse that we already know the answer to!

YAAAAWWWWN… (Done to indicate boredom, not the late hour at which I saw the film.)

Here’s the deal: They've forgotten the simple things that made this franchise so good in the first place. It's become a big game of connect the dots where the newest movie intertwines itself with the past ones with the use of elaborate flashbacks (as indicated by the occasional grainy filter). The filmmaker's seem so distracted by this little connection game that they forgot to make the movie scary, or the traps smart, or the characters interesting. Saw has evolved into a glorified flashback of a dead-behind-the-eyes cast fumbling through vignettes that are supposedly giving us the whole picture. It was a gimmick that worked well in the past but has sorely worn out its welcome the V-ith time around.

As Good Cop and Bad Cop stalk each other and take a trip down memory lane a second game begins. One that has 5 characters working their way through a series of traps “10 little Indians” style and that will inevitably catch up with the game being played outside in the real world, in some unexpected way no doubt. The game works in its own way. It has a nice moral twist at the end even though it’s filled with marginal traps when compared to what the sick bastards behind this franchise have dreamt up in the past. Even less of a priority seemed to be the characters themselves who are so miserably uninteresting that you don’t care about the secret that binds them all together.

The leader of the pack, Julie Benz, is beyond wooden. She’s a porcelain doll, with all the indications of beauty and mobility that come along with that, who seems to have gotten the part because she’s “kind of recognizable”. She’s set to dedicate that same robotic sense of charm making the romantic scenes in next year’s Punisher War Zone equally uncomfortable. Something to look forward to.

That game and those characters are, for the most part self-contained. What’s really meant to grab your attention between the exploding nail bombs and electric bathtub stunts is the journey back through the films that we take with Good Cop Bad Cop. The traps are just giving you what you expected in-between force-fed plot development.

I’m totally cool with that but this time out it covers the story of Bad Cop’s association with Jigsaw. How they met and how Bad Cop chose to follow in his footsteps. Potentially pretty interesting stuff - Not so much here. Turns out Bad Cop is kind of lame. Or maybe it was that this background story was being forced on us so aggressively. What’s so great about the first three sequels (II, III, IV) is that the flashbacks, the connections within the movies, were so unexpected. They weren’t jammed down your throat they were laid on top as an added bonus to an already interesting adventure. In part V the flashback is the adventure and in that respect the film is incomplete.

Saw V is definitely not a n00b friendly movie. If you haven't seen the other movies, don't bother wasting your money this weekend. You won't recognize the people or the traps that Good Cop encounters as he revisits the scenes where Jigsaw did his evil deeds. For those of you familiar with the franchise I would say these call backs are trivial in comparison to reveals of the past. Does anyone really care how barbed wire man was captured?

Saw V is not as offensively desperate as Saw IV is until the final scene where... pretty much nothing happens. The ending has always been the saving grace of the Saw films. No matter how unpleasantly incomplete whichever particular chapter was, even if you'd figured out all the twists and turns way ahead of game, the final scene, with its rush of reveals and swelling theme music, always had you leaving the theater with a spinning head and curiosity of what would come next. Not this time.

Saw V ends on a grizzly death and cuts to black where you’ll either question if that’s really the ending or if the film reel has broken. Director David Hackl’s name appears signifying that "The experience has ended. Clear room for the next group of suckers."

I actually liked that they put Hackl’s name right there, front and center on screen after such a miserable finale. It was just a little something to remind you of whom you're supposed to blame. It sticks in your head. I'd like to think that if Jigsaw went to see Saw V he would walk out concocting some sort of complicated trap to punish Hackl for his sins. For ruining a franchise that so easily could have been saved. Something involving watching Made of Honor on repeat would be pretty good.

Rating: 2 out of 10 - I’m angry at this film and even angrier at this franchise. They’ve gotten so far away form the simple traps and the games of morality that made the first film so original and exciting. As dissatisfied as I am now I know this won’t be the end. 2 months before Saw VI comes out I’ll have that nagging itch of wondering what’s going to happen next. Even though it’s been back-to-back duds I’ll always hope for redemption. I want to see what happens next but I have no idea why because it’s clear that the well of inspiration has long since dried up.

Ugh - No. I only own one of the Saw films. Part III, and a big part of the reason is that it came with a free ticket to see Saw IV. You guys know me; I’m not beyond “movie money” bribes. Had Saw IV come with a free ticket for part V I might actually own that piece of garbage too. Who knows what will happen when Part VI roles around… Here’s hoping cooler heads prevail.

Best Buy had parts I and II on sale this week for 4.99 each, which is an absolute steal. It’s cheaper than renting them. I thought about picking them up even though I wasn’t particularly fond of part II when it was released. I thought it was a wasted opportunity to expand the game but that it only just saved itself with an incredible ending. Overall I think the first three films connect very well and I could see popping them into the old DVD box from time to time. Especially in anticipation for the next release every Halloween. Best Buy was picked clean though by the time I casually stopped by on Tuesday afternoon. I may check again today but I’m not holding my breath.

Good or bad, the franchises one redeeming quality in everyone’s eyes has been its annual blood drive. Saw is the most successful horror franchise in theaters these days and it’s really refreshing to see them reaching out proactively to do something good. Almost as if to say, it’s fun to play in this twisted world of boobie traps and blood, but let’s not forget about the people out there really suffering. Tobin Bell sums it up pretty well in this video except for the tacky plug at the end.

Friday the 13th - There was some footage released during the Scream Awards 2008 for the remake of Friday the 13th, but a short teaser trailer also hit the Internet today and it looks... well it looks fine. I'm not going to say it looks better or it looks like it's going to bring the franchise back to life. But it looks fine.

Frankly I think they should have kept the damn thing in space. Where do you even take things after that? Mars? Heaven? Come on - "Jason in Heaven." Fighting angels and Jesus. You'd watch that right?

This remake comes courtesy of Marcus Nispel, the director of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake in 2003, which actually wasn't half bad. The guy has a lot of style, knows how to dirty up a set and shine a menacing light on it. At the very least this film will be scary.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans - I was surprised to see a trailer for this movie pop up last night. A little bummed out though when it failed to offer anything really interesting. This prequel adventure about the Lycan uprising against the Vampires looks to be another Romeo and Juliet monster mash up except there’s none of the instant awesome that there was in the trailers for the other two films. There's no shot of Beckinsale blasting through the floor, executing some epic leap or unzipping her leather jumpsuit. There's no shot in this trailer to really sell it beyond the title card saying, "You saw the first two... there's another one now! MONEYMONEYMONEEEEYYY"

I found the first Underworld to be cluttered. The second one, Underworld: Evolution benefited a lot from having it focus on two characters on the run. The action was bigger, the larger story even made more sense with a little space. It was a lap in the right direction.

Rise stars Rhona Mtra, which is awesome and gives more screen time to Michael Sheen and Bill Nighy which is always a good thing... there's just nothing grabbing me about this spot other than the cast list though. Not yet anyway.

I’m of two minds about this strip. It’s ridiculously random which appeals to the sillier side of me, but the more rational part of me knows that it relies on its randomness. The joke is stronger for it but it doesn’t mean the joke is strong. I guess I just wish I’d been able to come up with something more clever than a surprise pop culture reference. Still, “Why would you stab the Grimace” is something we should all ask ourselves at one point or another.

This strip was actually not the one that was supposed to go up today. I was saving this one for the weekend to talk about the brave souls that actually went through with the Saw marathon. I had a busy day yesterday though and didn’t finish up the larger comic intended to go with the review. I’ll run it this weekend though with some spoiler talk about the movie, which will probably be better than a write-up about people sitting in a theater for 8 hours, right?

Before I sign off for this update I wanted to remind you of the news I announced yesterday. Of the wallpaper donation drive we’re holding to help raise money for Breast Cancer Awareness. It is National Breast Cancer month and because our current storyline in Matriculated revolves around raising money for the cause, we thought we’d try and do the same. Donate any amount of money to get the Wallpaper. 100% of the money donated will go directly to the National Breast Cancer Foundation’s fight to cure the disease.

Thanks so much for reading, guys. More soon.

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Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V

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