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Discuss this week's Joe Loves Crappy Movies here!

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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Ninja Assassin

Starring: Rain, Naomie Harris, Rick Yune, Ben Miles, Ozunu

Directed by: James McTeigue

New Line Cinema

The Official Site of Ninja Assassin

Discuss Ninja Assassin on the boards!

Does anyone else find the phrase Ninja Assassin to be a little redundant? I mean aren’t all ninjas assassins? They’re two words that go hand in hand. It’s like naming your film “Tall Giant”. Of course there are giants of varying heights but ninja’s are always assassins. You never hear about a ninja bank manager, which is good because it would probably make for a pretty lousy movie.

Ninja Assassin, the blood-soaked B-movie with an A-movie budget form director James McTeigue (V for Vendetta), is in execution as plain as its title. It embraces every tried and true ninja standard but rarely excels beyond the high concept idea of making another ninja movie.

Despite that glowing introduction I actually quite enjoyed the story structure of Assassin. We get to follow Mika (well cast in Naomi Harris), a researcher hunting down the truth of the mythical ninja as we get an inside look at the birth of a ninja through flashbacks from Raizo, the most promising pupil in his class who has since deserted his clan for a life of… well it’s not really clearly defined what he did outside the walls of the ninja boot camp. We get to see him eat some noodles and throw some stars but that hardly fills the days.

The flashbacks wow us with the kind of hardcore training sequences martial arts enthusiasts daydream about complete with hanging balls of fire acting as obstacles between two boys trying to leg sweep each other to death. These scenes are pure ninja joy and come often enough to revitalize the film from the pitfalls of its present day plot problems. The biggest of which happens to be our hero.

Rain, who plays Raizo, is a legitimate international superstar. As a Korean pop sensation making the transition to the big screen we could have done a lot worse in casting our ninja because Rain at the very least looks the part. He clearly gets his hundred crunches in every morning and can move as well as any of the young action heroes eager to prove themselves as the next generation of big screen bad asses. Covered in blood with a sword in hand Rain is the perfect picture of ninjutsu terror. When he opens his mouth… not so much.

Rain perfectly captures the wooden soullessness of man that has been beaten down since childhood to become the ultimate weapon. So much so that I wonder to myself if the off-camera direction from McTeigue involved such pearls of wisdom as, “Suck more.” or “Less ‘Englishly’.” I recognize that this may have been a character choice but an uncharismatic lead makes for a charmless film. As Rain blurted out his lines during one of the few attempts at humor in the film I was reminded of other international stars that made the transition and were able to deliver lines like “It’s not a tumor!” and endear the audience to them in the process. Arnold was a star before that line delivery but it goes to show that it takes a lot more than the right look to become an action icon. Arnold plays up his muscles and the accent but the guy has presence and he knows how to work it… even when it comes time to put down the guns and do a little talking.

Every word from Rain’s mouth drags the movie down and I came to appreciate when the born warrior would talk with his fist. Even though the action rarely called for him to be present.

As a rule the ninjas lurk in darkness. Their enemies die before they even know what hit them and for the audience this definitely has its thrills. The opening scene of the film is brilliant. Buckets of fake blood (both practical and computer generated) coat the opening with the promise of a ferocious adventure. We don’t see a ninja but we do see his handy work and it perfectly sets the atmosphere.

Sadly as the film continues the ninja remain elusive of the audiences gaze. The gimmick of not seeing the assassins begins to lose its charms. We catch glimpses of swords swinging form shadows and bursts of blood suddenly painting the moonlit wall but we rarely get a clear look those responsible. Even during the film’s largest action set piece (about 15 minutes of foot chase, car chase and crazy slow-mo edge weapon dodging) we’re treated to quick cuts, shaky editing and terrible lighting. I rubbed my eyes and thought to myself that the entire sequence was unwatchable.

For a crew of people that brought the Matrix to life and delivered one iconic shot after another, you’d think that this kind of stunt work and action filmmaking would be effortless. There’s nothing in this film that comes close just blood and mood lighting.

The magical aspect of the Ninja Assassin has brought about much controversy and to this I turn to a screening of The Box from about a month ago. That film has a lot to do with advancement in technologies and there’s a line used that goes something like, “When technology is witnessed for the first time it will appear as magic.” It doesn’t mean that it’s actually magical it’s just advanced beyond our grasp. Ninjas aren’t executing magic as they leap between shadows or heal fatal wounds with simple carpel tunnel exercises - they’re just really good at what they do. So good that we couldn’t even begin to understand.

There’s plenty I don’t get about Ninja Assassin but magic has very little to do with that. As it is, it’s just another thing for people to pick on in a movie that, for all its faults, was a good bit of fun. It’s easy to pick on its flaws because its positively qualities are more difficult to praise. Just telling people, “Ninjas are fun!” isn’t going to fill theaters.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10 - 6.5 may seem a little high after a review where I went on at length about everything that was wrong with Ninja Assassin but in a movie like this I tend to not let these things get me down. I’m easy to please with a ninja adventure as long as the movie moves well and tells a passable story. Sure there’s the disappointment in what the movie could have been but if you spend all day worrying about what we might have got then you won’t be able to enjoy it when some dude’s head gets chopped off. You have to appreciate the simple things…

You know… it’s a pass for me but it really could have gone either way. Had the action been a little cleaner or the dialogue a little crisper than I would have welcomed it with open, blood-soaked arms. It’s fun I just don’t need it.

But do diehard ninja fans need it? I’d wager not as much as they think they do. Pick it up if only because the genre has given you next to nothing since monster turtles technically qualified. Money says it collects dust while the old classics get repeat spins.

Joe Dunn's Facebook profile

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V