Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Cursed
Released: 2/25/05
Viewed: 12:15 pm 2/26/05
Starring: Christina Ricci, Joshua Jackson, Shannon Elizabeth, Craigers
Directed by: Wes Craven
This movie had everything going for it. This movie was the captain of the football team pulling in straight A's. Dating the head cheerleader but still fooling around with the alt rock chick that was a little sleazy and could teach it things.
Then this movie broke it's leg on a ski trip, lost it's athletic scholarship to Syracuse, and ended up working in it's father's car dealership out in West Orange. Poor Cursed. You had it all.
Ok I got carried away with the metaphor but it's true. Birthed from the tag team that brought us Scream, Craven and writer Williamson were poised to bring back horror AGAIN. When they gave us the Scream Trilogy in '96 it was fresh and exciting and so much fun. There was no reason Cursed should have been any different. We're talking about Werewolves for god's sake. That's automatically got street cred.
But it sucked. It sucked bad. It sucked the way a Vampire movie should suck. Get it? Sloppy storytelling, characters getting killed off that you could care less about, and the animated weredog that destroy kitchens. This movie was pile upon pile of mistakes.
The movie becomes a "who done it." Who is the original werewolf because if we kill that person we'll be ok. So they throw a zillion people at you. All with motive and opportunity to be this lead wolf man. So you find yourself questioning. That's great. I love a good mystery, and I love it when it's not obvious. But there were too many. So many faces passed by the screen that you couldn't connect with any of them. It didn't matter who it was, because you didn't care.
Was it rival coworker Michael Rosenbaum (Lex on Smallville)? How about mysterious new boyfriend Joshua Jackson (D2: Mighty Ducks 2, The CREEK!)? Possibly Portia De Rossi (Arrested Development, Scream 2) as some crazy gypsy psychic. She certainly has the eyebrows to be a werewolf. Or maybe it was Scott Baio (Charles in charge, Pamela Anderson for a few months), because he's in this movie for 3 minutes for absolutely no reason at all.
It's boring and crowded and an embarrassment in comparison to their last team up. And whom do I blame? Whomever convinced Wes to take a break from horror movies and make Music of my heart. Lame.
If you desire to see a werewolf give you the finger, this is the movie for you. Otherwise don't waste your time with this one, guys. Just get drunk and watch Teen Wolf again.
2.5 out of 10
This one does get a few points for some genuinely scary moments. Werewolf in the parking lot was very effective. Also half a point for Joshua Jackson. Anyone who spent that much time on the Creek deserves half a point. Come on! Pacey! You love him and you know it.
DVD worthy: ? You're an idiot.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
