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Discuss this week's Joe Loves Crappy Movies here!

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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

House of Wax

Released: 5/13/05

Viewed: 11:40am 5/16/05

Starring: Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael Murray, Brian Van Holt, Paris Hilton

Directed by: Jaume Collet-Serrs

Horror films have changed. They're not really? scary anymore. Well that's not true. They freak you out, and make you glad you decided to see it during the day instead of the dead of night. But they don't really mess with your head the way they used to. They don't stay with you and keep you up at night. It's all gore. All shock. Neatly packaged with sleek filmmaking, your favorite WB heartthrobs, and a "crunk" soundtrack. Did I even spell Crunk right?

There are still some great horror/thrillers out there. The Ring was pretty messed up. And, for me, The Sixth Sense stands out all these years later. But House of Wax is not one of these movies. House of Wax is edgy pop music for the masses. House is to movies what Limp Bizkit is to music. It's catchy, and flashy, but there's little to no respect.

It's important to go in knowing this. No one expects a modern classic. I was expecting quick jumps, bloody murders, and the chance that I might see a boob (No boobs guys, sorry. MINUS ONE POINT!) And for the most part, it's what you get.

What this movie has going for it are some fun original ideas. Keeping things fresh is crucial in a good horror movie. Make the audience say "It's all been done" then superglue some one's mouth shut! Brilliant! The way the killer takes out some of these kids is also really unique and original. Kudos to the mad man thinking this stuff up.

They also break some classic horror rules ? but you're glad they do. The main characters are never in any real danger. They never die. Or rarely anyway. It's always they're slutty friends that bite the bullet. Neve Campbell and Courtney Cox were never in danger of dieing in the Scream movies. Jamie Lee Curtis was never gonna die in Halloween. Until it was financially profitable for her to. Our leads always escape with minor bumps and a nasty little scrape on the arm.

I'm not saying that our leads die. I'm not saying they don't. But they get messed up. One thing in particular I NEVER thought would happen. And it happens. And I have to give credit where credit is due. It was awesome.

The acting is? on screen. No ones horrible. I'm a fan of Cuthbert and Murray from their TV days. They both do a fine job. Paris was fine. People expect certain things from her. Or they expect her to suck just because? well whatever. But she's harmless here. She won't win any awards (except possibly for the best death on screen MTV award) but she was fine. I was please with Brian Van Holt who plays twins Bo and Vincent. Van Holt has been doing a lot of work over the past few years and He's good. Check him out in Basic and Confidence to see him shine. Check him out in S.W.A.T. and Man of the House to see him grossly underused. It's all good. Pay your dues Brian.

My only real complaint is this. At one point about an hour and fifteen minutes in, you realize that everyone who's still alive is either the bad guy, or the people that are supposed to live. All the expendable B level characters are dead. So you just have to wait for the rest of it to play out. Kind of took me out of the movie. We could have used a larger cast to slaughter. At the same time they were shocking me with a few things here and there, so I was convincing myself that ANYTHING could happen.

As much as I was digging the original ideas behind much of the movie, the screen writers missed hard on a few things. There are two moments at the end. I'll give you some flags without using spoilers. When Vincent cuts through the wax door to enter the bedroom? He's cutting through a wall ? That's awesome, but he's also cutting through something else ? lame. Watch for it.

The second has to do with the way we see the twins for the last time (trust me, you'll know it when you see it.) It's just a little on target. We're not idiots. Don't try and force something on us.

6.5 out of 10 As a horror movie ? whatever. But it was a pretty good ride. Worth a rental for sure. They loose points for the scene where they cleverly write in a way for Murray to get his shirt off.

DVD worthy?: Nah. Once you know how the movie ends it's re-watch ability plummets.

Trailer Hitch: The Island

Seeing the trailer for The Island, I immediately said "Phillip K .Dick!?" But it's not. Feels like it though. The copy for this movie could be: "In the not so distant future something scientific happens, and it's totally cool, and Scarlet Johansson is hot!" How many nerds would flock to that.

Love movies like this though. Sort of in the vein of Minority Report, or Paycheck, but without all the crying, and Affleck. The trailer wasn't too revealing on the plot, but I'm cool with that. I'm already sold on it. The more surprises the better.

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V