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Discuss this week's Joe Loves Crappy Movies here!

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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Material Girls

Released: 08/17/06

Viewed: 4:00pm 08/17/06

Starring: Hillary Duff, Haylie Duff, Anjelica Huston, Maria Conchita Alonso, Brent Spiner, Lukas Haas

Directed by: Martha Coolidge

MGM Official Site of the movie

Is Material Girls a kids movie? I was pretty surprised walking into the 4 PM showing and finding the room half filled with kids under 10. As a 28 year old man, dressed pretty much like a homeless person, wearing a knit cap in the dead of summer, looking for a seat in a child filled theater, for a movie starring recently graduated jailbait, I couldn’t have felt creepier. I do this for you guys.

Looking back I knew it would be a kids movie on some level, but I think I expected more teens and less really young kids. Obviously they are the last remains of the fans still hanging on to star Hilary Duff’s Disney past. Duff, of course was the lead of the hit television series Lizzie McGuire, which played directly to the tween crowd and earned her a legion of Mary Kate and Ashley hand me down fans.

Since, Hilary seems to be cautious not to alienate these fans as she churns out one family friendly romp after another. All of it has been formulaic and safe, there’s very much a “don’t rock the boat” attitude to it all, and I can understand that. Hilary Duff is a brand. She has a movie career, a music career, a clothing line, and a fragrance that all hinge on that legion of fans desperate to be just like her. If she takes a role as drugged out hooker then the new back to school collection’s sales will plummet. If she dates anyone more “rock and roll” then her current boyfriend, the lead singer of the eye-lined power pop group Good Charolette, then no one’s getting the new Hilary Duff album for their birthday this year! It’s strictly business. So how seriously should I take this movie if all it is, is a cross-promotional tool?

Well, seriously enough I guess because I like Hilary. I think she’s funny and cute and that she has the capability of being more than the face of an industry. I had hopes that Material Girls would be a good turning point. The title alone offers up a real opportunity for some laugh out loud irony. Material Girls had some Mean Girls potential to it if you ask me, but unfortunately in terms of relevance and hipness, it’s more on par with the Golden Girls. (Don’t send hate mail, I love the Golden Girls, but they’re not exactly “cutting edge”.)

Material Girls stars Hilary and real life sister Haylie, as rich socialites who lose everything after a scandal is revealed in their cosmetics company. I won’t go into details because I don’t want to spoil it (relive it), but needless to say the girls are innocent and they set out to prove that innocence through a series of comical situations involving them being posh princesses in the real world. It’s cute and harmless fish out of water fun, but it’s far from being entertaining or funny. The pieces of the puzzle all fit together, but not in a clever or unique way. You get the feeling throughout that the plot wasn’t so much an original idea that needed to be committed to film, but more a story pasted together based on the fact that this was the Madonna song they could get the rights to rerecord for the soundtrack. Why can’t they make movies based on ACDC songs. I’d pay to see Back in Black starring Hilary Duff. But I paid to see Material Girls, so there you go.

The plot overall didn’t do much for me, but there were moments where a dim light of interest was flipped on inside my head. At one point they decide to investigate their company themselves instead of hiring an investigator they can’t afford. There was potential for some campy private eye fun that they explore a little but not enough in my opinion. There was something there, and they dropped it too fast. At on point Hilary does an Erin Brockovich impression as she seduces her way into an office. That was pretty hot but how creepy it makes you feel isn’t worth the trip. Does it bother me that she was born in 1987? Sure, it bothers me a lot, but what can you do?

The girls were both pretty good even if some of the dialogue was over the top and over acted. I haven’t seen Haylie in anything besides Napoleon Dynamite and she does hold her own here, but the worst way to get out from your sisters shadow is to do a movie with her.

The supporting cast is fine. It was nice to see Brent Spiner (Data from Star Trek) who seems totally suited to his father figure role here, but I was completely shocked to see Anjelica Huston and Lukas Haas pop up. Yeo pointed out to me that Huston randomly does the dumbed down family friendly pictures every now and again, to which I replied “Daddy Day Care is far from fluff.” I can’t imagine why Haas is in this movie though. I guess Brick, the brilliant high school mystery he did earlier this year where he plays a kingpin, was too awesome and he had to scale it back a little. It was just weird seeing them both… I’m going to watch Daddy Day Care this week.

I can’t in good faith recommend this movie, though it doesn’t seem like any glowing recommendation would make a difference as Material Girls barley broke the top 10 taking in a sad 4.6 million its opening weekend. Little Miss Sunshine even bested it and on a third of the screens. All the little girls are still freaking out over Step Up I guess. Maybe it’s time for Hilary to check out all those drugged up hooker roles, because the fan base is growing up and no one in college wears Duff jeans. Maybe as a joke or for Halloween or something but certainly not casually. Rating: 3 out of 10

It was a flat and tired ride going nowhere. The girls are hot, the guys are cute, and they’re all desperate to come off ultra cool. To me it’s a slap in the face to the young generation on how easily they’re manipulated. At least Step Up has dancing. Everyone loves dancing.

DVD Worthy?:

Um, no. Not even rental worthy. Sometimes Yeo will get the inkling that she wants to rent a bunch of movies like this and make a real Sunday afternoon out of it. Normally I’ll humor her, rent whatever Hillary Duff/Kate Hudson/Brittney Murphy/John Corbett disaster of a romantic comedy is out that week and watch it with her. I just don’t see that happening with Material Girls.

If You liked this movie check out: White Chicks

It’s the same socialite characters in a script filled with fart jokes and crude innuendo, and sure that’s a little gross, but at least I was laughing.

Trailer Hitch: Open Season

Months ago when the teasers for Open Season first started popping up before whatever animated movies were poisoning America last winter, I thought it looked like fun. A domesticated bear, voiced by Martin Laurence, being enticed into the wild by a hyperactive deer, voiced by Ashton Kutcher, was interesting enough to make me take notice. Seeing the full trailer today was depressing as it turns out the film is just another man vs. nature story. It’s Over the Hedge, it’s The Ant Bully, it’s the same damn thing over and over again.

Never underestimate Kutcher’s draw though. As long as Season isn’t surrounded in an animation block like we saw at the end of July, it could do some serious damage.

Non Movie Related News

I’m a little bummed out that Snakes on a Plane couldn’t bag the number one spot this weekend. IT took in a solid 13 million but wasn’t able to dethrone Will Ferrell’s NASCAR comedy Talladega Nights. I’m thrilled that Talladega Nights is getting some well deserved attention and accolades for a third week, but Snakes was really good. I got dozens of people telling me how much they enjoyed it. Unfortunately more than a few also commented on how sparse the crowds were. The hype machine peaked to early and everyone got tired of waiting. What a shame because for a change – the movie actually lived up to the hype.

Live Journal/Myspace/Rotten Tomatoes/Buzz Comix/Top Web Comics/Comics on the Ipod/The Webcomics List/Online Comics/Wikipedia/Comixpedia/JLCM Map!

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V

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