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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre The Beginning

Released: 10/06/06

Viewed: 12:40 pm 10/06/06

Starring: Jordana Brewster, Taylor Handley, Diora Baird, Matthew Bomer, R. Lee Ermey

Directed by: Jonathan Liebesman

New Line Cinema Official Site of the Movie

First off, let me admit to having seen none of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies all the way through except for the 2003 remake. I know that the original is the godfather of all slasher pictures, and that it’s three remakes, are pathetic comical pretenders, but entertaining enough to watch as part of the TCM history. But I don’t want anything to do with that. It’s too real. Part of the reason I can handle the remake over the original is that it’s easier to separate the gore and fear from reality when you see a recognizable star on screen. The original featured a long list of no one, and if I can’t watch someone get sawed in two and say, “She was so good on 7th Heaven” then it might as well be real. And it might as well be me. And that’s too freaky.

It doesn’t help that the character of Leatherface is based on an actual man named Ed Gein who stalked skinned, wore, and decorated his basement with his victims. This Wisconsin native grew up in an overly repressed, overly religious, dangerously Oedipal situation. So dangerous in fact that not only did his story inspire the Texas Chainsaw franchise but also the Norman Bates character in Psycho and Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs. Not the kind of legacy worth praising, but it’s nice that we can get a few of our best movie psychotics from one real life account instead of three. Gein was found innocent of the murder on grounds of insanity. He died in a mental institution in 1984.

Real life inspiration definitely up’s the fright level, but Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning is constantly battling the fact that the audience is one step ahead of it. We know that all these characters are going to live so when the ballsiest kidnap victim in the bunch says, "I'm gonna kill you, asshole" it has no weight whatsoever. It's a prequel. Dude is going to be fine. It's like Obi Wan in Episode 1 saying to Anakin, "I'm gonna kill you, asshole." No you're not, do you know why? Because I know how he dies. The kid you stalk for 16 years in the desert ends up killing him you dirty old pervert.

In most movies you wonder how the good guy is going to win. When you know they can’t possibly win it becomes a game of how they're going to die. Or who might actually survive. It takes all the fun out of it. It's a movie where you want to root for the kids but half way through you realize you're just rooting for them to live longer. Then the thing is going on forever and they might as well just die so you can go home and blog about how frustrating the whole thing is.

Part of me thinks that this origin story would have been better told via flashback in a sequel, because there are some things to this that add to the overall story. It’s just surrounded by an hour and 15 minutes of skin-peeling padding.

Even though we know how things will end up, the movie is very effective in scaring the balls out of you. The deaths are loud, and quick enough to surprise a ninja. When they weren’t sending me into flinching fits with unexpected shotgun blasts peek-a-boo games with the giant head case, I was constantly tense from what could happen at any second.

The showman of the group is R. Lee Ermey who plays Sheriff Hoyt. He spends a lot of time chewing up the scenery and overdoing it a little, but I found his twisted perspective and unpredictable killing method to be plenty disturbing.

But Ermey’s inbreed, misguided, self-riotousness is merely the opening act for the main attraction. We’re all here for Leatherface, and for a guy well over 6 feet and even further past 250 pounds, he moves quickly and quietly. Like a cat. It fits in with the mystique of the character in that – if he doesn’t want you to know he’s there, you won’t know… until he hits you. Then everyone in the room knows. Everyone in the theater knows. Hell, it’s so loud when he brings a sledgehammer down on this one guy that I’m sure there we people two blocks over that were aware of his presence.

It’s a great treatment of the character because you want him to be this unstoppable monster, and keeping him hidden, keeping him covered is a lot more terrifying then getting a good look at him or actually seeing what’s beneath the mask. As it is he’s in and out of darkly lit shots so much that it’s hard to get a sense for him. Instead he’s just this unknown force that could strike at any moment. They nailed that aspect of the film.

But if you take into consideration that they had one of the best horror movie histories to work with then it just feels like a let down. They added so little. The previews promise answers to Leatherfaces birth. (Get this – he was born… from a lady!) They promise to reveal why he chose the chainsaw. (Because it was there.) They promise to tell us what turned him into a killer. Well you better make nice with the boss everybody because according to this movie, Leatherface’s flop from upstanding citizen to skin wearing maniac is based on unemployment.

Obviously there’s more to it than that, but they gloss over it so quickly that it might as well be that black and white. Before you know it this family turn from productive members of society to capable, merciless killers. All in all Leatherface is terrifying in the movie, but his history is treated as an afterthought and takes a backseat to hot young girls getting cut up.

Rating: 3 out of 10

I’m not even a huge fan of the franchise, and have nothing personally invested, but even I was disappointed by how underdeveloped it was. It’s not enough to just take the character and have him kill people. If you promise people a back-story, you better deliver something. The only thing this movie delivers is more of the same, and a footnote.

DVD Worthy?:

No way. For the die-hard fan’s maybe, but in my opinion, it adds so little to the larger story of Leatherface when the whole concept of a “beginning” promises so much more. It’s plenty scary, but that’s not enough for my DVD dollars.

Recommendation: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

The remake of the classic has all the blood, guts, and gore that this prequel offers and it has a similar Hollywood style to it. It’s polished and pretty and looks fantastic, but as shiny as it is, most fans say it could never match the original in terms of fear. I was plenty freaked out, but I can see what they’re saying.

Beginning follows the same story structure as the remake almost hitting the same major plot points at there same moments. But the real reason it wins between the two is because you don’t know how it’s going to end. You’re afraid for the kids but can always hang on to the shred of hope that they’ll be able to win out in the end. A little hope can make or break a movie.

Outside the Theater.

It’s time for buttons, right?! Right!? I hope so, because I’ve put together a set of Joe Loves Crappy Movies Buttons just for you. A four button set containing buttons of Joe, Yeo, Irv, and a gun wielding George. The set of 4 is only 4 dollars. Check ‘em out!

Beginning may have been a let down but this weekend isn’t a total bust. Martin Scorsese’s new movie The Departed came out this weekend. I was lucky to catch a sneak peek of this movie last month, and it’s easily Scorsese’s strongest work in years and the best drama of 2006 so far. If you love crime films or are just looking for a great example of a complicated story told amazingly well, The Departed is not to be missed.

Live Journal/Myspace/Rotten Tomatoes/Buzz Comix/Top Web Comics/Comics on the Ipod/The Webcomics List/Online Comics/Wikipedia/Comixpedia/JLCM Map!

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V