Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Failure to Launch
Viewed: 4:00pm 03/011/06
Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kathy Bates, Terry Bradshaw, Zooey Deschanel
Directed by: Tom Dey
Paramount Official Site of the movie
The fact thatFailure to Launch is such a success speaks towards the kind of world we live in where woman manipulate every component of our lives from the bottom up. Oh, we pretend they don’t but they really do, and they seem almost comfortable with their anonymity in this game. Almost smug as they get us to shell out 20 dollars to not see Inside Man again. It has suspense for me, and Denzel for you. I thought we had a deal!? I thought we had a deal… uncontrollable weeping
So we placate you and see romantic comedies. We suffer through them as Sarah Jessica Parker reclaims her movie throne, and we lose a little more respect for Mattew McConaughey. And lose a LOT of respect for Terry Bradshaw. Did we really need to see his undercarriage? The man was an American sports hero for Christ’s sake. I never needed to know that he has more hair on his rear end then on the top of his head.
Failure to Launch tells the story of a weak mamma’s boy that’s wants to live in the bosom of parental comfort for the rest of his life. And why not, he gets his meals prepared, his room cleaned and he gets to play Duck Hunt all day with the neighborhood kids. He’s the perfect role model for the disrespectful lazy Americans that our MTV nation is producing. Stay at home kids, have sex with every scorching hot blonde that crosses your path, as your parents sit uncomfortably in the next room pretending not to hear their only child throwing their life away. Enjoy you’re weekend VD you lethargic baboons.
Thankfully the movie teaches what a lifestyle like that leads to – animal attacks. Weird, right? There are 3 completely random animal attacks in Launch, each more bizarre than the next, and I couldn’t be happier because it’s so unexpected and shocking that the kids of today will be shaken into paying attention. If you live a lazy life, a dolphin will bite you in the sack. That’s just a fact. It’s science. You can’t argue with science.
So maybe it’s good that women all over the world are whipping their men into seeing Failure to Launch. Perhaps it will be the wake up call for our youth to stand up and take responsibility for themselves. Or more likely they’ll probably sit in the back row and make out as the men think of Parker and the women think of McConaughey. Disrespectful little bastards.
Rating: 6.5 out of 10
Even though I don’t support how successful the movie has been (73 million as of 11:24 04/07/06), because it only strengthens how in control the female of the species is, I have to recommend it. It’s light and easy and entertaining. And I do love that Patton Oswalt!
DVD worthy?: If you can admit to yourself that you’re a 13 year old girl then by all means – buy it.
If you liked this movie check out: Duck Hunt
The spectacular paintball sequence will remind you of a certain classic first person shooter. This movie needs to be made. I suggest The Rock as the shooter, and Danny DeVito as the dog.
Trailer Hitch: Nacho Libre
Nacho Libre features Jack Black as a Mexican wrestler. I didn’t even know they had wrestling in Mexico. They must wear the masks to hide their shame over being 3rd rate athletes so desperate for attention that they’ll fight for beans. Literally. Black seems well suited in the role. It’ll be good practice for when his career tanks completely.
Non movie related stuff:
A comic to keep your eye on is Frontier at Good-comics.com. I recently stumbled upon it and after reading through the archives became quite fond of the structured social themes in a futuristic space setting. It’s like Serenity mixed with Star Trek. Go read up.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V