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Discuss this week's Joe Loves Crappy Movies here!

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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.


Released: 6/24/05

Viewed: 7:30:pm 6/24/05

Starring: Nicole Kidman, Will Ferrell, Michael Caine, Jason Schwartzman, Shirly Maclaine

Directed by: Nora Ephron

You know what this movie was missing a lot of? Flying monkey's.

Ok, ok? I feel a little bad about today's comic. It's clear that a great deal of people worked very hard and very long to produce Bewitched It's not really my place to judge them or any film makers (even though I put myself in that position on a weekly basis ? I really have no right to be there). But if I pull my punches then the strip will suffer. That's not going to happen.

I think the reason I'm feeling guilty is because of the talent connected to the movie. Nicole Kidman who may be a little out of place here is still a fine actor, and a joy to watch. As a witch conflicted with life, who stubbles upon an opportunity that would only complicate things further, Kidman is cheerful and adorable. The whole production staff, in the movie, falls in love with her because she can wiggle her nose. But she's so easy and comfortable on screen that you can see why anyone would fall for her. My only complaint about her specific performance here is that in the beginning she's a na?ve fish out of water. This was played more as a ditzy blonde then a curious stranger.

Will Ferrell honestly was the real draw for me. It could, easily, have been any of Hollywood's leading , men. But Ferrell brings more to the table that I can appreciate. It's not just a romantic comedy now, it's a romantic comedy with the potential for insane laughter. He's fine in the role. Kind of a jerk but very funny. You never get to know him well enough to see why he falls for her or she falls for him. And if we don't understand that, then what's the movie really about?

The biggest problem with the film is that you've got this story that's essentially nothing, and it's lightly peppered with funny lines, or funny performances. As new, unnecessary subplots were introduced I found myself waiting for the story to progress, but all the while I was smiling or chuckling. I was amused, but not entertained. By the end this comedy tease left me frustrated. I didn't care what happened. And that sucks. When you find yourself willing the movie to end even when the great Steve Carell is on screen, then something is seriously wrong.

There are many nods back to the original TV series. All the old wacky family members show up for no reason besides giving the older crowd the chance to say "Aunt Clara rocks!!" None of these nods are really effective except for the nosey neighbor and oblivious husband. That was a note well hit. But everything else was filler that needlessly complicates things all for the sake of connecting to the old audience. Do we really need it? Wouldn't it have made sense if Uncle Arthur had actually been Michael Caine's character in disguise, helping to right a wrong? Connecting the existing characters in the plot, having them do something they should actually do? No, that's too easy ? just make our leading man crazy.

Goal number one in this movie seemed to be making everything turn out great. We've got characters pairing up left and right not because it will affect the story in an interesting way, (it doesn't) but because in a happy ending everyone's got somebody. There was a whole lot of wondering where they would take something, only to see them take it nowhere.

I can't recommend this movie because it was not easy to watch. There were those smiles and giggles, and one scene where I could not stop laughing. (Where art thou dog? ? from the trailer.) But it isn't enough to make you wait for the nonexistent story to kick in. There's no structure, nothing for the movie to latch on to and make the audience connect. No horrible performances for me to rag on, but just because these people were easy to watch doesn't mean you can have them do nothing for an hour and a half.

This movie will cast a spell on you. I think it's called "Sleep."

4 out of 10 I feel bad because this movie had a lot going for it. But if you're looking for comedy there are better choices. If you're looking for romance there are better choices. It's been done right before, and this is nothing like that.

DVD worthy?: No. As much as I enjoyed some of the little jokes here and there, there's nothing substantial enough to make me come back for more.

Trailer Hitch

All I know about the musical Rent is that the author was a gay man that (I think) died from AIDS in the 90's. The show was on Broadway for years, and at one point starred Joey FATONE! But I know little else.

So the trailer starts up and I do recognize right away what it is. I went to school in NY when the show was having it's biggest success. And I recognized a few of the actors that were in the stage production.

It's um? a musical. Which is fine, but not my first choice. I grew up with my mom showing me a lot of old classical Musicals, and I saw Chicago, and they are what they are. I can understand how people get wrapped up in them, but for me it's a nice thing to watch and then move on. I'm not buying a t-shirt and the sound track and singing it while walking down the street.

So the trailer looks good. Very New York. They brought in some bigger players. Rosario Dawson and Taye Diggs as well as Jessie Martin (The black dude from Law and order.) As each came on screen the audience would subsequently chuckle. Nothing wrong with singing or being in a musical, but there is something odd about familiar figures in an unfamiliar environment that is amusing.

The song they sing is about measuring time. It's catchy in its cleverness. They sing how many minutes are in a year. That's cool. But the song goes on to measure a year, with love. Then you're hit with a montage of people hugging, and crying, and laughing and living life. It's a beautiful idea to base a song on. And the trailer is effective in presenting that. I'll see it when it comes out because it'll be a big movie. But I'm telling you right now ? I'm not buying the CD.

Edit: My ignorance knows no bounds. My good friend Brandon corrected me on my assumptions about RENT. I'll refer you to the thread where he pointed it out, but more importantly his own reactions to the trailer. You should read it from him because I couldn't say it any better.

I sometimes speak without doing proper research first and I like to think of it as average joe ignorance. My intentions are never meant to offend true fans which is why it's important to know the truth. Either way, RENT is an important work that is anticipated by the averae joe's as well.

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V